I Believe In A Thing Called Love
by Clover Swan
Summary: Part 2 of I Don't Want To Be In Love. Harley is completely head over heels for Edward Nigma but when Joker wants back in she starts to rethink her relationship. And with Selina and Ivy on his side Joker just might have a chance.
1. I Believe In A Thing Called Love

I Believe In A Thing Called Love

**Author's Note:** I do not own Batman I do not own this I do not own that blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. Man that's boring. Alright so book 2! Excited? You should be. I am!

"So Harley's throwing Eddie a party huh?" Selina asked.

"Yeah it's a happy you broke out of Arkham party," Ivy replied with a laugh.

"Sounds ridiculous," Harvey grumbled from behind his newspaper.

"It does but it's at the Iceberg and it's an open bar. Harley's paying for the whole shebang," Ivy explained.

"I'm in," Selina said.

"Us too," Harvey added.

"Figured as much."

Selina's phone started to vibrate across the kitchen counter. She picked it up and looked at the caller ID. "Restricted? I wonder who this is." She flipped the phone open, "Hello."

"Selina please don't hang up," Bruce said quickly.

She growled and snapped the phone closed. "He's getting tricky, calling with a blocked number."

"It's been months and he's still calling. Maybe you should give him a chance," Ivy tried.

"Harvey's made you soft. The old Ivy would tell me to rip his eyes out," Selina joked.

"You've become hard. The old Selina would've at least heard him out," Ivy argued.

"Hiroshima, the sequel," Harvey muttered to himself.

"Maybe I have become hard. So what? I don't need to be hurt again," Selina said.

"I don't need to be here for this," Harvey thought.

"Not everyone is out to hurt you!" Ivy cried.

"Liar."

"Oh yeah, the whole world is out for you. That's really mature!" Ivy said sarcastically.

"It's like you've switched personalities," Harvey said aloud.

"Did I ask your opinion?" Ivy snapped at him.

"No, no you didn't," he replied getting up.

"Where are you going?" Selina asked.

"Out. Call me when you're done fighting." He walked out the door with his paper, strolled over to Robinson Park, and continued to read.

"Fighting?" Ivy asked in confusion.

"Yeah, who's fighting?"

* * *

"She hung up on you again?" Dick asked.

"Yeah," Bruce replied. He buried his face in his hands.

"Maybe you should move on," Dick offered.

"I met Barbra's new boyfriend. His name is Chip. He's a tennis pro," Bruce said.

"What kind of a name is Chip? That's a food!" Dick grumbled.

"Maybe you should move on," Bruce mocked.

"You're supposed to be my dad," Dick said in a fake hurt tone.

"I was thinking of going to the Iceberg tonight," Bruce said.

"That has nothing to do with what we were talking about," Dick replied.

"Maybe if she sees me she'll want to talk," Bruce continued.

"You're not even listening to me anymore are you?" Dick asked.

"And if she's not there maybe Harley will be and I can talk to her. She believes in true love and all that. She'll help me."

"You're supposed to throw Harley Quinn in Arkham! Not ask her to help you get back with Selina. Did you forget who you are?" Dick cried.

"Batman is supposed to throw Harley in Arkham. Tonight I'm going to be Bruce Wayne. He has no problem with Harley. Actually, Bruce Wayne finds Harley to be quite entertaining."

"Yeah, Tim told me about the backless dress," Dick joked.

"You want to come?" Bruce asked.

"Watch you beg Selina Kyle to come back to you or possibly Harley Quinn for help while Poison Ivy and Twoface make out in the corner and Joker falls off a bar stool? Hell yeah!"

* * *

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson walked into the Iceberg Lounge around 7:30 pm. Bruce thought the place would be like usual, slightly busy but not overcrowded. That was not the case. There was a party going on tonight and it was in full swing.

"Wow," Dick said as he looked around. "This place is great."

Bruce spotted Holly and grabbed her arm. "What's going on tonight?"

"Hi hon," she said. "Harley's throwing a 'Happy You Broke Out of Arkham' party for Eddie. The whole rogue's gallery is here and it's an open bar. Even Joker's here."

"Harley paid for an open bar?" Bruce asked.

"That's what everyone thinks but actually Eddie did it. Harley was just going to have a small dinner party but Eddie said they should do it up right. I think he's got something up his sleeve," Holly explained.

"This is insane," Dick said in disbelief.

"Who's your friend?" Holly asked.

"Holly!" Penguin yelled from a corner somewhere.

"This is Dick Grayson. Dick this is Holly," Bruce said.

"Holly!"

"Yeah I hear you!" she yelled back. "Gotta run but I'll catch up with you two in a bit."

"She's the one with the Riddler crush right?" Dick asked.

"Yeah. Let's find Harley and Eddie and then grab a seat," Bruce replied.

"Good deal."

Bruce and Dick wandered toward the bar hoping Harley would be up there.

"Brucie!" Joker exclaimed clapping Bruce on the shoulder.

"Brucie?" Dick whispered.

Bruce sighed and faked a smile. "Hey Joker. How's it going?"

"Better. Arkham really helped you know? I didn't have to see Harley and I think I can move on," Joker explained.

"Maybe I should give Arkham a try," Bruce replied.

"It's healing for the soul I tell you what," Joker laughed.

Bruce was actually glad to hear that laugh. Depressed sad Joker was more terrifying than any other Joker he'd seen. "Well I'm happy for you. But you'll have to excuse us. We need to say hi to the host and hostess of this gathering."

"You and the Joker huh?" Dick asked.

"By the end of the night he will have your number and you'll be wearing his shirt. Its how it works on this side of the mirror," Bruce explained.

"I'm scared."

"Just keep an eye on your drink," he replied. "I see Nigma."

"Bout time."

"Hey Eddie!" Bruce cried.

Edward Nigma turned around and yelled, "Bruce!"

"How you been? Oh by the way this is Dick. Dick this is Eddie and…where's Harley?"

"Over at Ivy's booth. Girl talk you know," Eddie replied. "Nice to meet you Dick."

"Do I need to watch my back or is Selina not here?" Bruce asked.

"She's sitting at my usual table with Alice," Eddie said.

"Alice?" Bruce asked.

"She's Holly's sister. Just moved to town and boy is she a looker. Blonde and blue," Eddie explained.

"Really?"

"I'm waiting for Jervis to get here. He'll go nutso for her," Eddie joked.

"Let me know when he arrives. I'm going to go say hi to Harley."

* * *

"You won't believe who I just talked to," Joker said as he pulled a chair up to Selina and Alice's table.

"Who?" Alice asked.

"Bruce Wayne," Joker replied.

"He's here?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"With a little friend of his, Dick something."

"Grayson," Selina told him. "He's like his son. I can't believe he's here. Who invited him?" Selina growled.

"I don't think Eddie did and I'm positive Harley didn't. Oswald maybe. You know how he likes to get those socialites in here," Joker said.

"Bastard," Selina mumbled.

"What are you going to do?" Alice asked.

"I'll figure it out when I see him," Selina replied.

"Think fast because Harley's dragging him this way," Joker told her.

"I want you to meet Alice. She's a sweetheart," Harley said. "And we want her to feel like a part of the circle so she'll feel more comfortable when Jervis get's here. We're hoping the rogue crush runs in the family," she whispered.

Selina bit her lip. She had to do something and she had to do it fast. She looked at Joker and he looked at her. He could see her plan in her eyes. He started to back his chair up from the table but it was too late. Selina had hold of the lapels on his jacket and she was pulling him in. She pressed her lips against his forcefully and managed to part them enough so she could stick her tongue in his mouth.

At first Joker panicked and looked to Alice for help but after a second he realized it was useless and gave in. He placed his hands on Selina's hips and pulled her onto his lap. Now she was startled and slightly panicked.

"Dick, I know you've met Selina and Joker but have you ever met them when they were conjoined at the face?" Harley asked.

"This night just gets better and better," Dick said. "Just when you say to yourself, 'No. No it can't get any crazier' it does."

Bruce cleared his throat.

Selina pulled her lips off Joker and smiled. "Hi."

"Hi," he replied.

"Boys, this is Alice. Alice meet Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson," Harley said. Her eyes were wide yet she wasn't looking at anybody. She was in a state of shock. "I need to go tell Red something." She turned around and ran to Ivy's booth.

"Pleasure to meet you Alice," Bruce said.

"Same," Dick added.

"So you and Joker huh?" Bruce asked turning his full attention to Selina. "Good for you."

"Brucie, don't let this come between us!" Joker begged.

"I'm ok with this. I'm more than ok with this. I am excited for you! HELL! I'LL THROW YOU A WEDDING!!" Bruce exclaimed flailing his arms.

"He broke," Dick joked.

"I'M GOING TO GET A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAIGNE TO CELEBRATE!" Bruce cried as he turned to run for the bar.

"Really nice meeting you Alice, Selina good to see you and Joker," Dick paused, "congrats."

* * *

"And she was on his lap with her tongue down his throat!" Harley cried.

Harvey spit his drink out onto the table and cringed.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Ivy said holding her stomach.

"Me too," Harley replied. She laid her head on the table and whimpered.

Ivy spotted Selina walking into the bathroom. "Excuse me," she said as she got up and followed her.

Selina put her hands on either side of the sink and stared at herself in the mirror.

"You ok girl?" Ivy asked.

"I kissed Joker and broke Bruce. What do you think?" she replied.

"So alright but not great then?"

"Yeah, pretty much," she said as she turned to face Ivy.

"Harley's not too ok with this whole thing though."

"I know," Selina said guiltily.

"Joker is still a fresh wound," Ivy continued.

"It was him or Alice. I just met her. I don't want to freak her out," Selina joked.

Ivy smiled. "Fair enough. So what is the situation with the Joker?"

"We're not dating if that's what you're wondering. It was just something to make Bruce leave me alone but all it did was fry his brain."

"Fried mine too and I wasn't even there," Ivy joked.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Selina asked.

"Sure," Ivy replied.

"It wasn't bad."

"Seriously?" Ivy asked in disbelief.

"It was actually really good."

* * *

"How you boys doing?" Holly asked Bruce and Dick.

"I just saw my ex girlfriend frenching Joker. I need something to erase it from my mind," Bruce told her.

"Ouch. You need the forget me shot," she replied.

"A what?" Dick asked.

Holly pulled a bottle off the shelf and grabbed a double shot glass. "It's whiskey. I call it the forget me shot because it seems to be the shot everyone gets when they want to forget something. I downed three the night Hugo Strange and Roxy Rocket went at it at the bar. And Joker downed the bottle when Harley and Eddie started dating. I'm sure even Batman reaches for the whiskey when he's had a bad night," she explained sliding the shot glass in front of him. "What about you sugar? What are you drinking?" she asked Dick.

"Scotch on the rocks," he replied.

"Man after my own heart," she joked.

Dick smiled at Bruce.

"Go for it," Bruce mumbled.

* * *

"Look, Selina, you're great and all," Joker began.

"Save it clown. I'm not into you. I just wanted to show Bruce I'm over him," Selina told him.

"But you aren't over him."

"Keep that to yourself," Selina growled.

Joker raised an eyebrow.

"Just pretend we can stand each other enough to date. It'll drive Bruce crazy."

"You want him to be one of us?" Joker asked.

"Shut up and put your arm around me."

* * *

Eddie plopped down next to Bruce and patted his shoulder. "Harley just told me. I'm…I'm so sorry."

Bruce smiled. "I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing," he slurred.

Eddie noticed the three empty double shot glasses. "Whiskey?"

"Yeah," Holly replied.

"Good choice," Eddie said.

Holly leaned over the bar and whispered into Eddie's ear, "What do you know about Dick Grayson?"

"Not much. Why?" Eddie replied.

"I was wondering if he was single," Holly said turning a bit pink.

"I'll help you out," Eddie promised. He got up from the bar and looked around for the kid. He spotted him standing at Ivy and Harvey's booth chatting. "Be back in a flash." He walked over to the table and threw his arm around Dick's shoulders. "Got a quick question."

"Shoot," Dick told him.

"Are you single?" Eddie asked.

"I thought you loved Harley," Dick said getting a bit uncomfortable.

"What? Oh god no!" Eddie cried dropping his arm. "Holly wants to know. She likes you."

"Oh! Holly," Dick cried in relief.

"There's something wrong with you kid."

"Yeah, I'm single," Dick told him.

"Dick and Holly sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Ivy sang.

"How old are you?" Eddie asked.

Ivy stuck her tongue out at him.

"Really mature," Eddie replied. "Where'd the kid go?" he asked.

"The bar," Harvey said pointing to him.

* * *

"So this is my number. Don't lose it," Holly said.

"You'd have to pry it from my cold dead fingers," Dick joked.

"Good."

"Hey Holly, have you seen Jervis?" Eddie asked.

"No, sorry," she replied.

"I want to wait until he gets here but what on earth is he doing?" Eddie mumbled to himself.

"Jervis here yet?" Harley asked bouncing up to the bar.

"Apparently not," Eddie told her.

"Did ya call him?" she asked.

"A couple of minutes ago," Eddie said.

"You are too funny," Alice said as she and Jervis walked up to the bar.

"Thought you didn't see him?" Eddie asked Holly.

"I didn't but it seems my sister did," Holly said in disbelief.

"Holly, why didn't you tell me about him?" Alice asked.

"We were going to introduce you two but apparently it was meant to be," Harley answered.

Eddie grabbed Jervis and pulled him to a corner. "How'd this happen?"

"I walked in and I spotted her automatically. I managed to bump into her and when she told me her name was Alice I almost died. She's perfect Eddie! Perfect!" Jervis cried.

"Have fun," Eddie told him. "But now that you're here I can get this show on the road."

They walked back to the bar and Eddie whispered something to Holly. She laughed and gave him a wink.

"Come with me," Eddie said to Harley as he grabbed her hand and dragged her to the center of the Iceberg.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"You'll see," he replied. Eddie gave Holly a nod and the music suddenly stopped.

The entire bar focused their attention on Eddie and Harley.

Eddie got down on one knee, reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box. "Harley," he began.

She took a deep breath and smiled as she tried to hold back the tears.

"I love you more than you'll ever know," he continued.

"Oh god. Oh god! OH GOD!" Joker yelled inside his head.

"I know that I'm not perfect,"

"I can't believe this is happening!" Harley squealed inside her head.

"but if you did me the honor of being my wife,"

"This isn't happening," Joker told himself.

"I would do everything in my power to make you happy,"

"I'll kill him!" Joker grumbled.

"and I promise to always be there for you."

"This is crazy," Selina whispered to Joker who was busy ripping his napkin to microscopic pieces.

"Will you marry me?" Eddie asked.

Harley took a deep breath and it seemed like the entire bar did too.

"Say no," Joker begged inside his mind.

"YES!" Harley cried letting the tears fall from her eyes.

"NOOOO!!" Joker bawled. He banged his head against the table repetitively until a gash developed on his forehead and Selina finally grabbed hold of him.

"Damn you clown. You're bleeding," Selina hissed.

"Night night mommy," he said as he fell onto the table.

"Great! Now you're dead. Just great!" she whined. "Let's get you out of here."


	2. Live To Tell

Live To Tell

Selina dragged a half unconscious Joker up the steps of the apartment. She propped him up against the wall so she could open the door and then she threw him unceremoniously on the couch.

"Ow," he mumbled.

"Quiet," she said as she walked into the bathroom to get the first aid kit. "You better not have a concussion."

"I feel the love," he joked.

"You'll feel my boot in your ass in a second if you don't shut up," she warned.

Joker lay down on the couch and turned away from her.

"I'm sorry for snapping. I'm just stressed right now."

He didn't look at her.

"Please roll over so I can fix your forehead and you don't bleed everywhere," she pleaded as she took a seat on the coffee table.

He still didn't move.

"Oh shit," she cried rolling him over herself. "Stay awake big guy!" She started to shake him.

His eyes snapped open and rolled a bit.

"You can't nod off. If you have a concussion you could die," she explained.

"I don't have a concussion. I've had enough to know if I did," he replied.

Selina grabbed a wet rag and dabbed at the wound on his forehead. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

"Why do you care?" he asked.

"Jesus Jack, just except my kindness," she barked.

He grunted.

"Better."

They sat quietly while she cleaned him up.

"I can't believe she said yes," he said.

"Me neither," Selina agreed.

"I thought she loved me."

Selina smiled at him sadly. "Arkham didn't work huh?"

"When I first met her, when she was Harleen Quinzel, I had this nightmare. The police were done trying to cure me so they decided to punish me. They tortured and killed her before my eyes while she yelled my name and reached out for me."

Selina stopped wiping his face and listened.

"I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. My throat was dry. All I could do was sit there. Finally I found the voice to yell for Batman. Batman! Of all people I yell for him. He just laughed. When I woke up I broke out of Arkham and broke into her apartment. I sat in a chair in the corner of her bedroom and watched her sleep. I didn't touch her or speak. I just sat. And when morning came I left. Went back to Arkham and waited for my session with her."

"That's horrifying," Selina said.

"After she changed to Harley I had the dream more often. But then I could hold her and burry my face in her hair. Protect her from my imaginary demons," Joker continued. "Now I can't do that. Now I just sit in my bed and panic. I think about her bleeding and dying somewhere. I've called her. Blocked the number just to hear her speak. To know she's alive. I'm losing my mind."

Selina sat quietly. This was something she never expected.

"I've never told her this and I don't ever want her to know."

"Deal," Selina told him. She went back to cleaning him up. She thought about how terrified she was when Batman would go out on patrol. How she'd follow him without his knowledge.

"I think I might need stitches," Joker said touching his gash.

"Yeah, you might. I'll get the sewing kit," she joked.

"Second thought, I'll bleed to death!"

"It isn't that deep. You'll be fine."

* * *

"This blood isn't coming out," Ivy groaned throwing her cleaning supplies onto the counter.

"Try bleach," Harvey told her.

"I'm not going to have a whole bunch of bleach spots on my couch. That's tacky."

"Not as tacky as the blood," he replied.

"I'll just flip the cushions," she said.

"Knock knock!" Harley cried as she walked in.

"You should really give me back that key since you don't live here," Ivy grumbled.

"But then I couldn't just walk in," Harley replied.

"Exactly."

Harley stuck her tongue out and skipped over to the kitchen. "How ya doin' today?" she asked Harvey.

"Dandy. Just peachy," he replied.

"It bled through!" Ivy yelled.

"What did?" Harley asked.

"Blood," Harvey answered.

"Where's Selina?" Harley asked.

"In her room snoozing," Ivy replied.

"I'm gonna go wake her!" Harley ran down the hallway and burst open Selina's bedroom door. "Rise and shi…" and then she screamed.

Selina jumped out of bed and fell onto the floor and Joker shot up and gripped the nightstand.

"What in the hell is going on here?!" Harley yelled.

Ivy and Harvey ran down the hallway and gaped at the scene.

"I'm going to vomit for real this time," Ivy said as she made her way to the bathroom.

"Oh my god," Harvey laughed.

Harley's mouth hung open and her eyes went wide.

"It's not how it looks," Selina said as she tried to pull herself up onto the bed.

"You're not wearing a shirt or pants and let me see," Harley said as she lifted up the sheets. "Nope, Mr. Happy here isn't wearing pants either!"

"Okay, that looks bad. I'll give you that," Selina replied.

"You have sex hair!" Harley cried pointing a finger at Selina.

Selina ran her fingers through her hair to straighten it. "Help me out here Jack!"

"Why do you care what we do? You're engaged remember? You left me. I'm a free man," Joker said as he pulled Selina toward him.

"Ok, I think it's all out of my system," Ivy said as she walked back to the room.

Harley walked out of the apartment and practically ran all the way home.

* * *

"Look, I can understand kissing him to make Bruce crazy, but why would you sleep with him?" Ivy asked.

"I didn't sleep with him! We slept in the same bed yes, but there was no action. We stayed far away from each other all night," Selina argued.

"Why didn't you throw some pajama's on?"

"I don't know! I just kind of crashed," Selina said as she rested her head on the table. "Why didn't he tell her we didn't do anything?"

"Maybe he wants you," Ivy joked.

"Bad! No! Never say that!"

Ivy started laughing. "It's obvious why he didn't tell her."

"Explain it to me then."

"Harley got all jealous when she saw the two of you in bed so obviously she still cares for him so Joker figured she'd leave Eddie if he found someone new," Ivy explained.

"Did Harvey instruct you in the ways of psychology?" Selina joked.

"Its common knowledge dear," Ivy answered.

"Joker might be on to something here," Selina said.

"Selina…" Ivy warned.

Joker walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the table and avoided Ivy's eyes.

"Alright Jack here's the deal," Selina began. "We are going to pretend to date. It'll drive Harley nuts and Bruce too. We both get what we want!" Selina explained.

"NO!" Ivy yelled. "NO! NO! NO! Not happening!"

Joker and Selina looked at her like she was crazy.

"Harley, for ONCE, is in a GOOD relationship. A HEALTHY one where she ISN'T BEATEN or NEGLECTED! You ARE NOT ruining that," Ivy argued.

"Ivy, he loves her!" Selina whined.

Joker nudged Selina in the ribs with his elbow.

"Oh just admit it!" Selina snapped.

"He could never love anyone but himself," Ivy snorted.

"Tell her about your dream," Selina ordered.

Joker shook his head and glared.

"We could use her help."

He shook his head harder.

"No one but himself," Ivy sang.

"What's going on in here?" Harvey asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Selina is trying to convince me that Joker loves Harley," Ivy explained.

"Impossible. Joker only loves himself," Harvey replied.

Ivy smirked at Selina, "See."

"Tell them!" Selina growled shaking Joker now.

"I can't!" he whined.

Selina thought for a second. There had to be a way to prove this. "What color are Harley's eyes?" she asked.

"True blue," he replied.

"Nice try but everyone knows that," Ivy argued.

"Alright, fair enough. What is Harley's favorite color?" Selina asked.

"Emerald green and sapphire blue," he said.

"What's her favorite book?" Ivy asked.

"Lolita, she thinks it's terribly romantic. Same with the movie Sid and Nancy. She thinks it's the best romance ever. Her second favorite movie is Moulin Rouge."

"What else can we ask," Selina thought aloud.

"What does she want to name her kids?" Ivy asked.

"She wants to name the boy Jareth and the girl Delilah."

"At least he listens. But this doesn't prove he loves her," Ivy snapped.

"True." Selina thought harder. "How many henchmen have you killed?"

"Dozens, maybe hundreds," Joker replied.

"And why haven't you killed Harley?"

"I've tried."

"You can easily shoot your henchmen but you can't just shoot her. Why?" Selina asked.

Joker bit his lip.

"Say it," Selina ordered.

"If I just shot her she would die. The elaborate death gives her a chance to escape," he sighed.

"Exactly. There's your proof."

"I don't get it," Ivy admitted.

"He has no trouble killing people he doesn't want around but he needs Harley so he gives her a chance to get away. He's human! He loves her! The Tin Man has a heart!" Selina cried excitedly. "Ten bucks says he's even cried in front of her."

"I don't cry. I'm a man," Joker interrupted.

"Are you going to help us or what?" Selina asked.

"No games, no twenty questions, just straight up, do you love her?" Ivy asked as she grabbed Joker's face and forced him to look her in the eye.

"I'm in love with her," he said honestly.

"Then we'll help."

"Hold on…I heard a we in there," Harvey said.

"Harvey cried at the end of Moulin Rouge," Ivy told everyone.

"And now you must die," he said calmly.

"I'll tell the entire Iceberg and Batman if you don't say you're in."

"I'm in."


	3. That's What You Get

That's What You Get

**Author's Note: **The idea of Catwoman and Joker dating makes me want to kill Catwoman. And I know what you're thinking…"Why did you write it then?" simple. What's funnier than Selina and Joker pretending to date? They hate each other. The only couple better than that would be Batman and Joker but that is way too crazy and my Puddin' don't swing that way!

"Joker and Selina are dating for reals?" Alice asked in disbelief. "That's hella crazy!"

"Tell me about it!" Harley cried. Harley and Alice had become good friends really fast. Harley loved that Alice talked like she was 16 and Alice loved that Harley was so crazy. "But don't mention a word about me flipping out. Eddie would blow a fuse."

"Deal. It's too crazy anyway. I don't even want to believe it," Alice replied.

"Hello ladies," Eddie said as he walked in the door with Jervis.

"Hiya baby," Harley replied.

Eddie walked over to the couch where the girls sat, pulled Harley up, took a seat, and pulled her onto his lap. "What are you two up to?" he asked.

"Not much. Just girl chattin'," Alice replied.

Jervis took a seat in the chair next to Alice and kissed her forehead. "Sounds like fun."

"What were you two up to?" she asked.

"We went to the Iceberg," Jervis answered.

"Turns out that Ozzie is throwing a costume party next month. He's making the announcement tonight," Eddie added.

"Guess whose kick ass Alice in Wonderland themed band is rockin' it out," Alice said.

"No way!" Harley cried.

"Way baby doll. Holly chatted with the big man and he said he was willing to give it a go. Through the Looking Glass's first gig in Gotham and I've only been here a week."

"Congratulations," Eddie said.

"Things are definitely going good. The band is getting noticed and I have the world's best boyfriend who has a kick ass apartment," Alice said as she crawled into Jervis's lap.

* * *

"You moved in with him?" Harley asked."Yep, Alice is moving in with Jervis," Holly told Ivy and Selina later that night.

"They just met yesterday!" Selina cried.

"Alice says she's totally in love. Head over heels and all that jazz. The girl is artistic and poetic. She believes in love at first sight and soul mates," Holly explained.

"Does she realize she's in love with a rogue? He'll be in Arkham in a week or two!" Ivy argued.

"Being the Mad Hatter only adds to his appeal for her. She's just as obsessed with Alice in Wonderland as he is and the fact that's he's a criminal makes him bad ass so naturally she wants him."

"We run around in costumes fighting a grown man who dresses up like a bat. Who are we to judge?" Selina asked.

"True. Very true," Ivy agreed.

"What're we talking about?" Harley asked joining the girls at the bar.

"You're not mad at me?" Selina asked.

"Nopperz. I actually got over it really quickly. Joker's right. He's a free man so you two have fun," Harley replied through gritted teeth.

"That's good," Selina said.

"So I was thinking about my wedding," Harley said changing the subject.

"What were you thinking about?" Holly asked.

"That I want Red to be my made of honor!" Harley sang.

Ivy gripped the bar and forced a smile. "You're not seriously having a wedding wedding are you?"

"Of course I am!" Harley laughed.

"Hon, I don't think that's going to be legal," Selina said.

"Don't worry, I'll figure something out. But in the mean time will you be my maid of honor Red?"

"I…yeah, sure," Ivy sighed.

"Yay!"

Selina chuckled.

"Don't think I forgot about you Kittie, I want you to be my bridesmaid," Harley told her.

Selina forced a smile and nodded. "Why not?"

* * *

"We're going to the party Jack," Selina growled.

"I don't want to put on some costume and sit around the Iceberg Lounge," Joker groaned.

"It's Oswald's birthday. We'll do as he asks."

"Why do I have to go?" Joker whined.

"We're dating, remember?"

"When did we get into a real relationship?"

"Look clown," Selina said as she straddled Joker in his chair, "there is only one rule in this partnership and that is do as I say. So when I say jump you start jumping and when I say we're going to a costume party at the Iceberg you put on a smile and ask what time you're picking me up. Got it?"

"Got it," Joker agreed.

"Now, Harley had this good idea that all us girls should go as Disney girls so naturally the guys decided to dress to match. Of course Alice and Jervis are going as Alice and Mad Hatter, Holly has her heart set on being the Little Mermaid and I guess she'll be taking Dick Grayson with her, Ivy and Harvey are going as Belle, the beast, and the prince which should be interesting, and Harley really wants to be Sleeping Beauty. I was thinking we should go as Cinderella and Prince Charming."

Joker laughed. "I'll go along with most things but I will not parade around as some dumb prince."

"Fine, my second thought was Princess Jasmine and Aladdin," she said with a smirk.

"Cinderella it is," Joker groaned.

"Good boy."

* * *

"So, for that costume party, I was thinking it would be fun if we went as Ariel and Prince Eric," Holly said nervously. She pushed her food around her plate and didn't even glance up at Dick.

"That's cool. I always liked the Little Mermaid," Dick joked.

Holly smiled. "You really don't have to go if you don't want to. I have to because it's my boss's birthday."

"I want to go. I mean I want to spend time with you and costume parties are fun. Usually. One at the Iceberg should be good times all around."

"Oh, that reminds me," Holly said as she dug through her purse. "This is for Mr. Wayne." She handed Dick an envelope. "It's an invite to the shindig. Mr. Cobblepot is all about having a Gotham socialite there."

"I'll give it to him but if he shows up I doubt he'll don a costume," Dick laughed.

"Oh come on. He should grab a girl and be John Smith and Pocahontas."

* * *

"A costume party at the Iceberg Lounge?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"Yeah it's for Oswald Cobblepot's birthday," Dick answered.

"Why am I invited?"

"Dude, you're Bruce Wayne," Dick told him.

"My question still remains unanswered."

"Call Edward Nigma and see if he can help you figure it out," Dick joked.

"So I'm guessing you're attending this party," Bruce said choosing to ignore Dick's last comment.

"Yeah, Holly asked me to be her date. We're going as Ariel and Eric."

Bruce nodded his head.

"You don't have clue one as to who Ariel and Eric are do you?"

"No, not really," Bruce admitted.

"They're from the Little Mermaid. It's a Disney cartoon about a mermaid named Ariel who wants to live on land and then she falls in love with a prince named Eric. So she goes to see this sea witch Ursula who's an octopus lady and she gives Ariel legs but she takes her voice. Now Ariel can be with Eric but she can't talk to him but she has to get him to kiss her or she'll go back to being a mermaid. So Ariel's friends Flounder, who is a flounder, and Scuttle, this crazy retarded seagull, and Sebastian, crazy cranky crab, try to help her win the prince and defeat the evil sea witch. And it's hilarious especially Scuttle. He tells Ariel that a fork is a dinglehopper and you should use it to do your hair so she does and she looks dumb then he's trying to tell her about the witch and he's all like the witch was watching the mirror IN THE MIRROR! Hilarious," Dick explained.

"Are you done?"

"Yeah," Dick replied.

"I have no idea what you were talking about but the fact that you were flailing your arms and yelling things like in the mirror while making your eyes wide makes me not want to watch this movie."

"No really, it's a good…"

"NOT want to watch it ever," Bruce said firmly.

"Fair enough."

They sat quietly for a bit. Bruce thinking about the costume party and Dick laughing to himself about Scuttle.

"So, Barbara and Chip are doing pretty well," Bruce said finally.

"Good for her."

"She asked about you. I told her about Holly."

"What'd she say to that?"

"Good for you. She's probably a tramp," Bruce replied.

"Ha! I'm getting to her!" Dick said triumphantly.

"You should not have paid attention to my dating skills. You want to destroy a perfectly good relationship you come to me. You want to be happy and be with the woman you love ask Alfred."

"You are my inspiration," Dick sighed. "The wind beneath my wings."

"We can't talk anymore," Bruce said getting up from his chair.

"What?"

"That was very…just…I'm going to patrol alone tonight you go with Tim." Bruce trotted to the Batcave entrance with Dick close behind.

"What did I say?" he asked with a laugh.

Bruce turned to face him. "Go patrol with Tim."

"Oh dad, come on. I love you! You inspire me! Hug me daddy!" Dick joked as he wrapped his arms around Bruce.

Tim stood in the doorway and cleared his throat.

Dick let go of Bruce and ran a hand through his hair. Bruce looked around the cave like nothing had happened.

"You guys have problems," Tim laughed.

* * *

"A rogue costume party? And you're invited?" Barbara asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. Cobblepot wants me there for some reason," Batman replied. He sat on top of a gargoyle on the museum looking over the city. There was a collection of priceless jewels in town one of which was the eye of Bast. Something he hoped Selina couldn't resist.

"So are you going to go?" Barbara asked over the headset.

"No," Batman answered shortly.

"Talk him into it Babs. Tell him how fun it will be," Tim interrupted.

"I have to patrol."

"There are more of us you know. Ask Azrael to cover or even me and Batgirl," Robin argued.

"Why would I want to go to some costume party with murderers and madmen?" Batman asked.

"Selina Kyle will be there," Nightwing interjected.

Barbara grunted.

"Hi Barbara," Nightwing said.

"Who knows, it might be a fun night," she told Bruce ignoring Dick.

"And she's going as Cinderella," Dick added.

"How do you know that?" Robin asked.

"She's telling Poison Ivy right now," Nightwing answered.

"Are you outside of their apartment?!" Barbara cried.

"Just seeing what they're saying. Oh! Harley's there too and she brought Alice."

"Pervert!" Barbara yelled.

"Am not! I just wanted to see if they were talking about anything of interest," Dick lied.

"Have they said anything about me?" Batman asked curiously.

"You're both pathetic," Barbara groaned.

"Nothing yet."

"Are they having a pillow fight yet?" Robin joked.

"So, are you going to go or what?" Nightwing asked.

"I'll consider it."


	4. As The World Falls Down

As The World Falls Down

Ivy was on her knees in front of her closet digging desperately for her shoes. There were piles all over the floor behind her and she was getting frantic. "Where are they?" she whined.

"Any luck yet?" Harvey asked as he walked into the room and sat on the bed.

Ivy turned around, leaned up against the, pulled her knees up to her chest, and buried her face in her arms.

"Hey now," Harvey began, "princesses don't cry." He got up off the bed and started to look through the closet some more. "How do you lose yellow shoes? Amongst all the black and green they should be easy to spot babe."

She smoothed out her yellow ball gown which looked exactly like the dress Belle wore in the cartoon. "That's what I don't understand."

Harvey tossed the last shoe out of the closet and turned around. "Finish getting ready and I'll find your shoes."

"Alright." She got up from the floor and took a seat in front of her vanity. Ivy pulled the brown wig off its stand and put it on. She tucked the few red hairs that escaped the bun under the wig and started to do her makeup.

"It's weird seeing you as a brunette," Harvey said from the floor.

"Hey I wasn't always a red head. Back in the day I had light brown hair," she joked.

"I like the red better."

Ivy smiled at him in the mirror. "Any luck?"

"Nope. I'm gonna go ask Selina if she's seen the damn things," Harvey said as he got up off the floor. He crossed the hall and knocked on Selina's door.

"Yeah?" she called through the door.

"You seen Pammy's yellow shoes?" Harvey asked.

Selina opened the door. "Come on in and look around." She walked back to the mirror she had hanging on the wall and went back to doing her makeup.

Harvey eyed her for a second. "That's a perfect Cinderella."

"Thanks," Selina replied. "I told them I wanted it exactly like the dress in the cartoon. The shoes were a bitch to find though."

"Shoes seem to be everyone's problem," he joked. Harvey got on his knees and looked under the bed. "Ah ha!"

"Find them?" Selina asked.

"Damn cats take everything," he replied.

"That'd be Harlow. Evil little thief."

"I'm surprised Pammy let you keep those damn things."

"Same here," Selina agreed as she put on her blonde wig.

"That looks so weird," Harvey commented.

"You look odd too," she replied.

Harvey inspected himself in the mirror. He wore the blue coat and black pants like the movie except one side was all tattered and the other was perfect. Twoface's side was the beast side. His hair was all messed up and he snarled. Harvey's side was the prince side and his hair was smoothed back and he smiled. "I think I look perfect."

"Even in a costume you're a contradiction," Selina remarked.

"It works for me," he replied. "Thanks for the shoes." He walked out of the room and back into Ivy's.

"Those damn cats," Ivy growled taking the shoes from Harvey.

"So is Jack meeting us there or is he coming here?" Harvey asked.

"Meeting us in the parking lot."

"Fantastic," Harvey groaned.

"Remember, he's your new best friend," Ivy joked.

* * *

Ivy, Harvey, Selina, and Joker all walked into the Iceberg Lounge together. Joker made a beeline for the bar and Selina chased after him while Ivy and Harvey grabbed her usual booth.

"I need rum," Joker told Jimmy the bartender for the evening.

"You need boos already?" Selina asked.

"Look at me! I'm wearing a white coat and red pants! I look like a damn fool!" he replied.

"As opposed to any other time when you're in a purple suit?"

"The suit works for me this," he said pointing to the costume, "doesn't."

"Deal with it for tonight," Selina ordered.

"And I don't like you with the blonde hair. It's throwing me off."

"Another thing you'll have to deal with."

Jimmy returned with a glass of rum. "Here you are Mr. Joker."

"That's Prince Joker tonight," Selina cooed locking her arm with Joker's.

Joker forced a smile and started for Ivy's booth. "This will kill me."

"Lighten up clown. Have fun," Ivy said.

Jervis bounced up to the table in his Mad Hatter garb. "Hello."

"Where's Alice?" Ivy asked.

"Getting ready to do her set. Heh, set. I sound all musical," Jervis chirped.

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Don't you look charming?" Jervis joked.

"I'll murder you," Joker replied.

Jervis smiled uneasily.

"Hey kiddies," Alice said as she approached the table. "What up?"

Selina eyed her. Alice wore a blue off the shoulders dress which ended just bellow her bum, a white apron with an obnoxiously large bow in the back, and white fishnet thigh highs. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a black headband and was streaked with blue. Her shoes were black, shiny, and clearly Harley's stripper shoes.

"You look nice," Ivy said.

"Thanks. You all look rad too. Kudos on the Prince Charming costume J-Man," Alice replied.

Joker adopted a confused look and looked to Selina.

"Well I gots to bounce. Finish the set up. See you all later." Alice kissed Jervis hard on the lips and bounced back to the stage.

Selina looked around the table waiting for someone to say something. When no one did she realized it was her job to tell Jervis. "Jervis, I'm saying this as your friend. I don't care how old that girl is on paper she is 16 inside. That makes you a pedophile!"

"She's not 16 inside she's….ok…maybe she is 16 but I love her and I don't care."

"PEDOPHILE!" Selina cried.

"She said kudos and J-Man," Joker added.

"But she's so sophisticated and grown up," Jervis argued.

"Yeah well her vocabulary is high school," Selina interrupted.

Jervis pouted. "Perhaps."

"But if you love her who are we to judge?" Ivy smiled at him and patted his hand.

"Who are you and where is Itchy Ivy?!" Joker exclaimed.

"Shut it Jack," Ivy warned.

"Hi all," Holly called as she and Dick approached the table.

Joker started to howl and bang the table which made Holly blush.

"Quiet you," she told him.

"Woof!" he joked.

"That is some costume," Harvey agreed.

Holly smiled and smoothed out her green skirt which reached the floor and resembled Ariel's fin. She also wore the purple sea shell top and her curly dark blonde hair was straight and red.

"I figured you would've gone with the pink dress or something," Selina commented.

"I thought people wouldn't get it so I went all out."

"I like it," Ivy told her.

"Me too," Dick laughed as they took a seat.

"So where's Harley and Eddie?" Holly asked.

"On their way I'm sure," Ivy replied.

"I can't wait to see her Sleeping Beauty dress. I wonder if she did the pink or blue?"

"She didn't say," Selina said.

"By the way Selina," Dick began.

"Hmm?"

"Bruce is coming," Dick finished.

"Oh how fun!" she replied calmly.

"You're not mad?" Dick asked in disbelief.

"No. I've moved on now," she told him patting Joker's leg.

Joker watched her and tried to ignore the chills running up and down his spine.

"How nice," Dick said faking a smile.

Harvey heard a commotion at the door and looked up to see what all the hub bub was. "Oh my god."

"What?" Ivy asked trying to see over everyone.

"It's Harley and Eddie," he replied. "At least I think it is."

Ivy stood up and looked over the crowd. Her mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. "Wow."

Harley and Eddie walked over to the table. Eddie wore a black suit and his hair was all combed back.

"Doesn't he look handsome," Holly commented.

But Harley was the real spectacle. Her hair was light red and pulled into a curly pile on top of her head. Her gown was white, sparkly, and huge. She looked just like princess Giselle from Enchanted.

"What happened to Aurora?" Ivy asked.

"I just watched Enchanted a few weeks ago and I decided it'd be more fun to wear this," Harley replied spinning a little.

"It looks amazing," Selina admitted.

"It's a wedding dress too so it's even better!" Harley cried.

"Please don't wear that to your wedding," Harvey joked.

Harley rolled her eyes and her and Eddie took their seats. "How does Alice look?"

"Skanky," Holly replied.

"I feel the sisterly love," Joker said.

"I was joking," Holly said elbowing Joker in the rib. "Lighten up Joker."

Harley hid her smile behind her hand.

The music started up and everyone turned their eyes to the stage where Alice sang her heart out.

"I think I'll go say hi to the birthday boy," Harley said as she got up from the table.

"Want me to go with you?" Eddie asked.

"Nah, stay here and have fun."

Harley headed straight for the bar and hugged Penguin who wore his usual black tuxedo.

"You look ravishing," Oswald quacked.

"Thanks Ozzie," Harley replied. "Happy b-day!"

"Thank you Miss Quinn, or should I say Mrs. Nigma?"

"Still Quinn for now," she said looking at the ring on her finger.

"I heard about Miss Kyle and Joker. That must really pull at your heart."

"No, not really." Harley turned around and started to walk to the other side of the bar to get a drink. She didn't want to talk about Joker and Selina. "Diet coke and vodka," she told Jimmy before he could ask.

"Harley?" Bruce asked.

She looked next to her and smiled. "Hiya B!"

"You look nice," Bruce said.

"Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself," she replied eyeing his Prince Charming get up. "What up with the Prince Charming costume?"

"Something I had in my closet from a previous costume party," he lied.

"Here you are Harlz," Jimmy said handing her a drink.

"Why don't you join us at our table? Dick is over there with Holly," Harley told him.

"Sounds good," Bruce replied following her to the table.

"I think you all know Bruce," Harley said as she took her seat.

Bruce took the one next to Harley which put him directly across from Selina. "Hi everyone."

"Brucie!" Joker cried with relief. "Hey! We match!"

"So we do," Bruce agreed.

"Nice choice," Selina said suspiciously.

"Something I had lying around the closet."

"I bet," Selina replied.

* * *

"Man! You have me tired out!" Dick said as he and Holly returned to the table after the hundredth dance.

"Fine we can take a break," she sighed.

"I'm all too happy to get a break," Alice groaned. "How much time I got left?"

"A couple of minutes," Jervis replied looking at his watch. "Enjoy it while you can."

"We should really enjoy it and lock ourselves up in Cobblepot's office," Alice said slyly.

Jervis gulped and smiled.

"Poor guy doesn't stand a chance," Selina whispered to Joker.

Joker laughed.

"Well I'm off to warm up." Alice got up from Jervis's lap and headed back to the stage.

"Oh! I love this song!" Holly cried when the song on the radio changed.

Dick groaned and looked to Eddie fro help.

"Can I steal this dance?" Eddie asked.

"Please, take her," Dick joked.

Eddie got up from the table and led Holly to the dance floor.

"How nice of him," Ivy said.

Selina stopped sipping her drink and jumped up from the table. "Be back." She got two feet from the table and turned around. "Actually I need Ivy to come with me."

Ivy eyed her curiously and then realized Selina had a crazy plan. "Be right back."

They walked over to the stage and grabbed Alice by the arms.

"What the hell?!" Alice cried falling backwards.

"What song are you doing next?" Selina asked.

"I was thinking Candyman by Christina Aguilera why?" Alice said slightly panicked.

"You're doing Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid," Selina told her.

"What why?" Alice asked.

"Because! We'll make Harley and Joker dance and the song will make him want to kiss her and vice versa!" Ivy explained.

"Movie version or Ashley Tisdale version?" Alice asked.

"It doesn't matter."

"Deal!" Alice cried.

"Good!" Ivy and Selina said in unison and headed back to the table.

"Change of plans boys," Alice said hopping back onstage.

Selina and Ivy took their seats at the table with smiles across their faces.

"What are you two up to?" Harvey whispered in Ivy's ear.

"Harley Joker stuff," Ivy whispered back.

Joker eyed them both and looked at Selina who ignored him.

"What happened to Jervis and Dick?" Selina asked.

"Jervis hit the bar and Dick had to take a call," Harvey answered.

"Great," Selina muttered. She leaned closer to Joker and whispered, "When Alice starts singing Ivy and Harvey are going to hit the dance floor followed by me and Bruce I guess since Dick and Jervis left. That leaves you and Harley. Ask her to dance."

Joker eyed her suspiciously.

"Just do it," she sighed.

Alice took the stage and the music started to play.

"Fine if you're going to be that way I'm sure the other Prince Charming will dance with me," Selina said getting up and taking Bruce's hand. "Let's go playboy."

Joker looked at her like she was crazy for a second and then realized what was going on.

"Come on Harv," Ivy said pulling Harvey to the dance floor leaving Harley and Joker at the table alone.

_There you see her, sitting there across the way. She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her. And you don't know why but you're dying to try you wanna kiss the girl._

Joker got up from the table and walked to Harley's side. "Would you like to dance?"

Harley got up and let Joker escort her to the dance floor.

_Yes, you want her. Look at her you know you do. It's possible she wants you too there is one way to ask her. It don't take a word not a single word go on and kiss the girl._

Joker placed his hands on Harley's hips and she placed her arms around Joker's neck and they started to dance.

_Sha la la la la la la my oh my! Looks like the boy's too shy. You gonna kiss the girl? Sha la la la la la ain't that sad? Ain't it a shame too bad? You're gonna miss the girl. Go on and kiss the girl. _

Eddie eyed Harley and Joker and tensed up a bit.

Selina smiled at Ivy and Ivy winked back.

"Keeps your hands in a safe place Bruce," Selina warned.

_Now's your moment floating in a blue lagoon. Boy you better do it soon no time will be better._

Alice placed her hand on her hip and looked Joker square in the eye and he realized everyone was in on this and that scared him.

_She don't say a word and she won't say a word until you kiss the girl. Sha la la la la la la my oh my! Looks like the boy's too shy. You gonna kiss the girl? Sha la la la la la ain't that sad? Ain't it a shame too bad? You're gonna miss the girl. _

Joker looked Harley in the eye and she smiled. Then he dipped her and she laughed.

_Sha la la la la la don't be scared you gotta be prepared go on and kiss the girl. Sha la la la la la don't stop now! Don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss the girl. Go on and kiss the girl._

Alice begged Joker with her eyes and he looked deep into Harley's as the music slowed.

_Ooooh ooohh aaaa ooohhh kiss the girl. La la la la la la la la la la kiss the girl. La la la la la la la la la go on and…_

Joker leaned in close to Harley and she leaned in too.

Eddie took a deep breath and felt his heart begin to break.

Selina held her breath.

Ivy and Harvey stopped dancing and watched.

_Kiss the girl_

Harley and Joker leaned in even closer and then Harley caught sight of Eddie and suddenly her heart felt like it dropped into her stomach. She looked Joker in the eye and let the tears fall before she turned from him and ran.

_Sha la la la la la la my oh my! Looks like the boy's too shy. You gonna kiss the girl? Sha la la la la la ain't that sad? It's such a shame too bad. You're gonna miss the girl!_

Alice looked bewildered and confused and slightly stopped singing. She looked to Selina and shrugged her shoulders.

Selina stopped dancing and gave a panicked look to Ivy who looked over to Joker and mouthed I'm sorry.

Eddie walked into the men's room.

Harley ran outside knocking into Dick along the way.

_La la la la la la la kiss the girl. La la la la la la la kiss the girl._

Alice did stop singing and she looked at Joker. He looked sadly back at her. "Well chase the girl you idiot!" she yelled over the microphone. "God!"

Joker stumbled a bit and chased after Harley.

_Go on and kiss that girl. Kiss the girl. Go on and…kiss the girl._

* * *

"Harley!" Joker called after her.

Harley got into a cab trying to ignore Joker's shouts.

Joker grabbed the on behind it. "Follow that cab!" he ordered.

"Are you kidding?" the driver asked.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Joker snapped.

"Well…"

Joker sighed and pulled out his gun and held it to the driver's head. "How about now?"

"Following the cab sir," the driver said.

"Very good."

The cabs stopped at Robinson Park. Harley got out first and ran.

"Harley!" Joker yelled.

"Please! Just leave me alone!" she yelled back stopping to face him. "I'm not joking,"

"Who's laughing?" Joker asked.

Harley shook her head. "Why can't you just stop?!"

"Stop what?"

"This! Us! Why can't you leave me alone?" she cried.

* * *

"What's going on?" Bruce asked over the walkie talkie.

"She's crying. How did you know she would run here?" Robin asked. He sat up in a tree completely hidden and completely uncomfortable.

"I know her. Is he hurting her?"

"Just emotionally apparently."

Selina walked outside of the Iceberg Lounge and found Bruce talking on his walkie talkie. "Who are you talking to?"

"No one," Bruce replied stuffing it into his jacket.

"I think he might kiss her," Robin said excitedly.

Selina's eyes went wide and she grabbed the walkie talkie from Bruce's jacket. "Where are you?"

"Selina? Hi!" Robin replied.

"Where are you?" she growled.

"Robinson Park," Robin said quickly.

"Harley and Joker are there aren't they?"

"Yes," Bruce admitted.

"And you're having them followed?"

"For her safety," Bruce replied.

Selina snorted and went back to Robin. "Is she all right?"

"She looks ok just shaken up."

"Good."

* * *

"I don't get how you love me one day and the next day you love someone else?" Joker cried.

"I don't get how you can date someone you don't love for umpteen years!" Harley shot back.

Joker ran his hand through his hair and bit his lip.

"Not full wisecracks today? No witty comebacks?" she asked.

"Harley…" he began.

"No Harley! No trying to make me feel sorry for you. I tried. I tried waiting for you to feel something other than lust for me. I thought maybe the wounds from your wife were still healing and then I saw picture of the woman and then I figured your wounds must've been pretty healed up since I look a hell of a lot like her. So then I waited and waited and waited for you but…I can't wait anymore! I want to get married, I want kids, and I want someone to love me!"

"Please…" he tried again.

"Have a nice life Joker. Maybe Selina will make you happy," Harley said turning away from him and heading back toward the street.

"Who said I didn't love you?" he asked not turning to face her.

"Then tell me you do," she replied.

Joker stood there, silent. He couldn't say the words.

"Good night."


	5. CrushCrushCrush

Crushcrushcrush

Crushcrushcrush

**Author's not: **so it's been awhile again. I started working on my old fan fiction and put this one on hold for a bit and then school and work took over so that made it even harder to work on this…but anyway here it is.

It had been a few days since the costume party and things were a little shaky. Harvey and Ivy were in the middle of a squabble because Harvey thought Ivy shouldn't have meddled, Joker was angry with Selina for the whole ordeal, and of course Eddie was completely livid with Harley.

Harley sat on the couch and flipped through the TV. channels lazily. Alice sat next to her and was getting slightly annoyed.

"Care to pick something?" Alice asked.

Harley tossed the remote over to her and sighed.

"Cheer up beautiful. He's bound to get over this," Alice said.

Eddie walked out of the spare bedroom where he had been sleeping for the last few days and headed for the door.

"Where ya goin?" Harley asked hopefully.

"Out," he grunted.

"Are you ever going to talk to me again?"

"I have to go," Eddie replied not looking at her.

Harley jumped up off the couch and threw her arms around him. "You have to forgive me eventually. I love you," Harley told him.

"I'll see you later." He walked out and slammed the door.

"He'll be fine," Alice comforted.

"I don't think he will. I think he's going to ask for the ring back," Harley sighed.

"No way girl, he loves you," she said firmly.

Before Harley could respond the phone began to ring. Harley and Alice both looked at it as if it was a howler monkey.

"You gonna get that?" Alice asked.

"I'm screening," Harley replied.

"Why?" she asked.

Harley handed Alice her cell phone. "Check the miss call log."

Alice flipped the phone open and looked at the missed calls. "Joker, Joker, Joker, Joker…I'm sensing the pattern."

"Exactly," Harley replied.

"He wouldn't call the home phone though. Would he?" Alice asked.

"You've reached Harley and Eddie. You know what to do and when to do it," Eddie's voice said from the answering machine.

"Harley? It's me, Joker. You're not answering your phone," Joker began.

"He wouldn't huh?" Harley asked sarcastically.

"I know you're mad at me but we need to talk. Please, just call me back."

"You gonna call him?" Alice asked.

"Oh yeah, and then I'm going to bleach my eyes," Harley snapped.

"Sorry." Alice sat back on the couch and looked at the TV.

Harley plopped down next to her. "I really hate him."

The phone started to ring again.

"That can't be him again," Alice whined.

"Harley pick up!" Joker yelled through the phone.

Harley looked at Alice who just groaned.

"He'll keep calling," Harley told her.

"What are you going to do?" Alice asked.

Harley walked into her bedroom and walked out with a giant mallet. She walked over to the counter where the answering machine sat and pounded it into oblivion.

"That was a little rash," Alice said a little afraid.

Harley panted and dropped to her knees. "It was the only way."

"You could've unplugged the phone," Alice argued.

"Who does that?" Harley asked with a look of disgust on her face.

"I really did fall down the rabbit hole," Alice sighed.

"Harley's ignoring my calls," Ivy told nobody in particular.

Harvey grunted from behind his newspaper and Selina sipped her coffee.

"Oh Harvey," Ivy muttered.

"I'm sure she'll call back," Selina offered.

"I'm mad at you," Ivy said as she brushed passed Selina.

"Why? What did I do?" Selina asked.

"This was all your idea!" Ivy replied.

"You went along with it," she argued.

"If you can remember, I didn't want to be involved."

"But you eventually agreed!" Selina shot back.

"Only because you kept telling me how Joker was so in love with Harley!" Ivy's voice was rather loud now and she was leaning halfway across the table.

Selina rose up and leaned the rest of the way over the table. "I didn't twist your arm," she growled.

They stared at each other silently, each daring the other to back down first. Harvey cowered behind his newspaper. Two strong women in one house was a very bad idea.

"Ladies…" Harvey began.

"What!?" they yelled.

Before Harvey could say anything more there was a pounding at the door.

"Now what?" Selina hissed.

Harvey, eager to get away from the explosion, jumped up and ran for the door. "Eddie?" Harvey asked in shock.

Edward Nigma pushed passed Harvey and walked right into the kitchen. "You," he said pointing a finger at the girls. "Did you think I wouldn't find out what you were up to?"

"Eddie," Ivy tried.

"NO! No Eddie and no excuses. Why would you do this?" he asked frantically.

"We weren't trying to hurt you," Selina said.

"Funny," he snorted.

"It really wasn't to hurt you," Selina told him as she walked over to his side. "Joker just…he…he convinced me that he loved Harley and I thought he deserved a chance and I forced Ivy into helping."

"No she didn't," Ivy sighed as she took Eddie's other side. "I agreed to help because I believed he deserved a chance too."

"Oh Ivy, you don't have to say that you were willing," Selina said.

"I was willing though. I'm sorry I blamed you."

"No, I'm sorry I forced you into this."

The girls pushed Eddie out of the way and hugged each other. Harvey walked up and patted Eddie on the shoulder.

"What's going on?" Eddie asked.

"No idea, but enjoy the happiness," Harvey told him. "Enjoy the happiness. It'll only last a couple of hours."

"Are those my boots?" Selina asked looking down at Ivy's feet.

"I asked if I could borrow them," Ivy replied.

Selina folded her arms across her chest. "When?"

"Yesterday!" Ivy placed her hands on her hips and scowled.

"When I was sleeping or did you whisper it?" Selina growled.

Ivy snorted.

"Here we go," Harvey whispered to Eddie. "Brace yourself."

Ivy and Selina erupted into a fit of high pitched screams and arm flailing.

"How about I buy you a drink?" Harvey offered.

"I don't care if you buy me a pony ride; let's just get the hell out of here."


	6. Blitzkreig Bop

Blitzkrieg Bop

Blitzkrieg Bop

**Author's Note: **Um…I got nothing.

"You wanna go to the museum today?" Harley asked as she wrapped her arms around Eddie's neck.

Eddie pulled her arms off him and continued reading the paper.

"I know you're still mad," Harley began.

Eddie turned the page of the paper.

"And I know I screwed up."

He sipped his coffee.

"That's why I'm going to give you this," she slipped the ring off her finger and placed it on the table in front of him. "I can get my stuff out tomorrow and you can just call me when you feel you're ready." Harley grabbed her purse off the table and walked out the door.

Eddie picked the ring up off the table and sighed.

Harley stood in front of a Picasso. A year ago she would've broke into the museum that night and stole it but now…well, she just wasn't that girl anymore. Crime didn't give her that high it used to. Now it just made her think of old times, when life was simple.

"Are you a Picasso fan?" a man asked from behind her.

"I'm more of a Warhol kind of girl. How about you Mr. Wayne?" she replied as she turned around to face Bruce Wayne.

"I like the classics. Give me a Rembrandt any day," he joked.

"Classic guy, classic art," Harley laughed.

"So what is a pretty girl like you doing all by her lonesome?" Bruce asked as they walked into the next room.

"I'm mad at my friends and my fiancée is probably dumping me."

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"Don't be. I brought this upon myself," she sighed.

"How so?"

"I should've just made a clean break. But no, I keep him in my cell phone and I let him hangout with my friends."

"He's dating Selina, it's kind of hard not to let him hang out with your friends," Bruce replied.

"True. Very true."

They stopped in front of a group of pictures of a young woman with blond hair and a cigarette.

"I love these pictures," Harley said.

"Why?" Bruce asked.

"I guess it's because I admire the girl."

"Who is she?" he inquired.

"Edie Sedgwick. She was Andy Warhol's superstar," Harley explained. "She was America's answer to Twiggy."

"Why do you like her so much?"

"You're just full of questions aren't you?" she teased. "Well, I guess it's because we're so alike. Both loved men we couldn't ever really have, both have been institutionalized, and we both have a killer sense of style."

"I see," Bruce laughed.

"Anyway, I just always liked her. Growing up I used to wear big earrings and false eyelashes so I looked a bit like her."

"She's pretty."

Harley and Bruce spent the next hour wandering around the museum together talking about art and artists.

"I can't believe you've been to the Louvre!" Harley squealed.

"Why is it so hard to believe?" he laughed.

"I guess it's because I've barely been outside of Gotham. I mean sure I've been to Metropolis but that's hardly traveling."

"You should take a trip."

"Yeah, I'll just pack up and go to Paris for a week," she said sarcastically.

"Why not?"

"Well first off, I don't have the bankroll that you do Mr. Wayne, and secondly, I couldn't go by myself. I would be terribly lonely in Paris without a friend."

"Well then it's settled. I'll take you to Paris," he told her matter of factly.

"That would go over well. Selina would claw my eyes out!"

"Hey, she moved on. I'm free to do what I want."

"Ok, but Eddie wouldn't like it."

"But if he breaks up with you, you'll be free to do what you want. It'll be good for you to get away from everything."

"Are you trying to seduce me Mr. Wayne?" Harley asked playfully.

Bruce blushed and focused twice as hard on the painting before him.

"I'm teasing," she told him.

"I know."

Before Harley could reply there was a commotion in the next gallery.

"What was that?" Bruce asked.

"I don't know," she replied.

There was panicked screaming and a voice that was far too familiar to the both of them.

"That isn't who I think it is, is it?" Bruce asked.

"Well we're not taking any chances." Harley started to dig through her purse and she pulled out a gas mask.

"You just carry those around with you?" he asked in disbelief.

"When you run with my circle of friends you gotta," she replied pushing it into his hands.

Bruce put it on. "What are you doing?" he asked as Harley walked over to a painting.

"Do to Catwoman's constant thievery; the museum installed these nifty steel doors. You pull a painting off the wall and the door comes down sealing the room and alerting the police. The room becomes airtight," Harley explained. She pulled a painting off the wall and sure enough, a steel door started to come down. Harley made a running start and slid under it and Bruce followed her. "What are you doing? I was trying to keep you safe!"

"I'm not letting you go in here by yourself," Bruce argued.

Harley growled in frustration and looked at the scene happening around her. People were panicked and fighting off imaginary demons. "Where's the thin man?" Harley mocked.

"Miss Quinn! How nice of you to join us!" Scarecrow cried from the other side of the room. "And look, you brought a friend."

Harley smiled. "I was trying to have a nice day out and you ruined that."

"I'm just having a bit of fun," he replied walking toward her.

"Get any closer and I'll break you in half," she warned.

Scarecrow stopped walking and smiled evilly. He lifted his skull in the air and let his fear toxins fill the room again.

Bruce clutched the gas mask tighter and Harley dropped to the floor.

"Sorry Miss Quinn, had to be done," Scarecrow scoffed. He loomed over Harley's body and waited.

Harley opened her eyes and popped Crane in the face. She jumped to her feet kicking him in the stomach and he fell back. "Sorry Johnny, toxins don't work on me."

Crane whistled and his goons charged Harley.

"This can still be a fun afternoon," she said as she tossed her purse over to Bruce and broke the arm of one of Scarecrow's men. "Bruce!" she called. "Throw me my pop gun!"

Bruce opened Harley's purse and dug through it until he found the gun. He tossed it over to her and she fired a rubber bullet that took out four men leaving only Scarecrow cowering in the corner.

Harley sauntered up to Jonathan Crane and pulled his mask off. "I can't believe you tried to gas me and then you sent your goons after me. That's not very friendly Johnny," she sneered.

Crane put his hands up in surrender.

Harley smiled wide and turned around.

Scarecrow sighed in relief.

Harley turned back around and punched him in the face breaking his nose and knocking him unconscious.

The doors burst open and the G.C.P.D. walked in.

"Get these people out of here!" Commissioner Gordon ordered.

"Jim," Bruce called walking over to the commissioner.

"Mr. Wayne, glad to see you're alright. What happened here?" Gordon asked.

"Scarecrow attacked the museum and…" he turned to point to Harley but she was gone.

"Was it Batman?" Gordon asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, Batman stopped him," Bruce lied.

"Let's get you out of here," Gordon told him.

Bruce walked out of the museum and tried to avoid the media storm that had already ensued.

"Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne!" the reporters yelled.

Bruce ignored them and walked across the street where a blond woman sat hiding behind a magazine. "There you are," he said tossing the purse into her lap.

Harley threw the magazine into the trash can next to her and smiled. "Thank you. So how's it going in there?"

"Gordon has control of the situation and the media has already arrived."

"You didn't mention me did you?" Harley asked nervously.

"No, they think Batman busted Scarecrow," Bruce replied.

"That bastard, stealing my thunder," she joked.

Bruce laughed and snaked an arm around her shoulders.


	7. White Lies

White Lies

White Lies

**Author's Note:** I wrote 10 new chapters and finished this story….then I deleted them. Sorry. I'm indecisive. Take 2!

At 1:38 am, Harley Quinn woke up. She sat up and looked to her left where Eddie lay curled up in a ball. She smiled. It felt good to have him back in bed with her. Harley looked around the room, she saw nothing but something had woken her up. She crept out of bed and tip toed down the hallway.

Harley looked around the living room, nothing. She wandered into the kitchen and still nothing. She sighed and leaned against the window and that's when she felt it. The same feeling that woke her up. The same feeling she used to get when she was with the Joker. Harley turned around and looked out the window. A shadow, just standing there.

She opened the window and crawled out. "Do you wanna come in?"

"No," the darkness replied.

"I know bats are nocturnal animals, but I'm really not so if we could speed this along…." She joked.

"I heard about the museum," Batman told her.

"Everyone with a TV heard about the museum."

"I know that you were the one to bring the Scarecrow down."

"I'm not looking for a job so you can fly off," Harley replied.

"I wasn't offering."

"Then why the surprise visit?" she asked.

Batman took a step toward her and she backed away until she was up against the wall. There was no room between them and yet he kept getting closer.

Harley took a deep breath, "What are you…." She couldn't finish the sentence. He pressed his lips up against hers, forcefully at first and then relaxed, almost sweet.

Harley Quinn shot up in bed and screamed, knocking Eddie onto the floor.

"Wassat? Wasshappenin?" Eddie asked half asleep.

"I had the worst dream," she cried.

"Tell me what happened," Eddie groaned getting back into bed.

"I dreamed Batman kissed me," she whimpered.

Eddie cringed.

"You kissed Batman? EWWWW!!" Alice squealed.

Harley looked around the Iceberg frantically and shushed Alice desperately. "Knock it off!"

"That's super gross Kitten," Alice giggled.

"I've kissed him in real life but this, this was different. It was weird," she cringed.

"I heard about your nightmare," Selina purred as she approached the table.

"What? Is Eddie running around town telling everyone?" Harley exclaimed.

"No, I heard Alice's outburst," Selina replied.

Harley shot Alice a look.

"Sorry Kitten," Alice muttered.

"Pull up a seat and take a load off," Harley told Selina pulling over a chair.

Selina sat down and placed her drink on the table. "So how's it going at Wedding Central?" she asked.

"I haven't even started planning. At first I was just so excited to be engaged and then Eddie and I were fighting so I didn't want to plan so now I got to start. And before I can plan anything I have to figure out how to get a marriage license without spending time at Arkham!" Harley explained.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Alice comforted.

"What about you? How are you and Jervis doing?" Selina asked.

"We are peachy keen jelly bean."

"It can't all be perfect," Selina pressed.

"Sure it can. We haven't had a fight yet, I get to wake up with him every morning, and the sex…"

Selina held up her hand. "I give. It's perfect."

Alice smiled.

"How are you doing? I feel like we haven't talked in ages," Harley gushed.

"We haven't talked since the costume party," Selina replied.

"Oh yeah, I was mad at you." Harley cocked her eyebrow and then smiled. "Forgive and forget."

"I'm happy you forgive me."

"How can I not? You're my best friend!" Harley threw her arms around Selina.

"I thought Ivy was your best friend," Selina gasped.

"You both are!"

"Another drink Mrs. Nigma?" Holly asked.

"Funny, and yes," Harley replied.

"Anyone else?" Holly asked.

Selina shook her head no and Alice nodded yes.

"No more for you blondie," Holly reprimanded.

"Why not?" Alice whined.

"You've had enough! I've been with you all day and you've had more to drink than Roxy Rocket on New Year's Eve!" Holly fired back.

Alice pouted.

"Get my baby another drink. This can be her last one," Jervis said as he squeezed her from behind.

"Well, if your daddy says it's ok then I guess you can have another one," Holly joked.

"Thank you sugar bear!" Alice crooned.

"You're welcome baby." Jervis kissed her on the forehead and smiled. "Isn't she the best?" He walked back over to the bar where Eddie sat talking to Harvey.

"I'm sorry, is he your boyfriend or your father?" Selina asked.

Alice glared at her.

"You do act like a child," Harley added.

"Nu uh!" Alice whined.

"Who says nu uh after junior high?" Selina asked.

"New subject," Harley interjected. "Where's Red tonight? I see her man but I don't see her."

"It's Ivy's alone time tonight," Selina replied.

"Those roots coming in again?" Harley joked.

Selina laughed. "Her roots?"

"Yeah, hair roots. Her hair isn't normally that red. But you can't ever tell her I told you!"

"I swear to keep her secret until the day I die. And then I'm putting it in my obituary," Selina replied.

Alice and Jervis walked home from the Iceberg Lounge hand in hand. Alice focused on the sidewalk in front of her, every once in awhile she'd glance at Jervis and sigh.

"I know I'm no expert on women, but I've watched Joker and Harley enough to know that when a woman is silent except for sighing then something is on her mind. So, spill it," Jervis told her.

"You'll just think I'm hella lame," Alice replied.

"I could never think that about you…at least, I don't think I could ever think that about you. What does hella lame mean again?"

"Don't worry about it," she said.

They kept walking. Jervis watched Alice watch the sidewalk until he couldn't take it anymore. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Alright." Alice stopped and crossed her arms. "Do you think I'm childish?"

"Well, you do speak like a child and you can act like one when you don't get your way," he admitted.

Alice started to walk again.

"Alice, wait!" Jervis called after her.

She stopped and pouted.

"Forget I said it. You're not childish."

"Whatever. You said I act like a child so you must think I'm childish," she whined.

"The pouting and whining isn't helping," he told her.

Alice stopped pouting and walked a bit ahead of him.

"Now what?"

"Nothing! I'm not pouting, I'm not whining, I'm walking. I better get home. It's past my baby bed time!"

"Then she stomps off down the road yelling about her bed time!" Jervis complained.

"Why are you calling me?" Eddie asked. He rolled over and made sure Harley was still sleeping.

"You're my best friend!"

"Yes but its 2:00 am," Eddie grumbled.

"It's 2:45 actually," Jervis replied.

"I'll kill you. I will. You know I will," Eddie told him.

"I spent an entire day chasing after your car; you can listen to my girl problems."

"There's you problem. You don't have girl problems, you have woman problems. You said you told Alice she acted childish, well treat her like an adult and she'll act like an adult."

"I guess I can try that," Jervis sighed.

"Anything else?" Eddie asked.

"Do you think Harley acts like a child?"

"Honestly? That whole innocent thing is an act. She has me whipped."

"And you like being whipped?" Jervis asked.

"This conversation took a weird turn really fast. Goodnight Jervis." Eddie hung up the phone and tried to go back to sleep.

"Eddie? Are you awake?" Harley asked.

"No," he replied.

"I need a glass of water," she continued.

Eddie made snoring noises.

"Eddie? Please…."

Still no response.

Harley kicked Eddie in the back and he fell out of bed. "Thank you pooh bear."

Eddie stood up and muttered under his breath as he made his way to the kitchen to get the love of his life a glass of water. As he turned the faucet on and tried his damndest not to fall asleep he thought about what Jervis asked. Did he like being whipped? Eddie walked back to the bedroom and sat Harley's glass of water on her nightstand and crawled back into bed.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.

"You're welcome," he replied.

Harley wrapped her arms around him and kissed the back of his neck. "I love you."

That's when Eddie knew, he loved being whipped.

"Somebody's at the door," Harvey grumbled.

"I hear it," Ivy replied rolling over and burying herself into Harvey's arm.

"What time is it?" he asked.

Ivy cracked her eye open and tried to make out the numbers on the clock. "7 ish," she replied.

Harvey opened his eyes and picked the clock up off the table. "It says 9:10," he told her.

She didn't say anything.

"You need glasses woman," he muttered.

"There's still someone at the door," Ivy said ignoring his comment.

As if on cue, Selina opened Ivy's bedroom door and said, "Don't everyone jump up at once."

"You getting it then?" Harvey asked.

"I guess so," she replied as she closed the door.

Selina pulled her robe tighter and opened the door. "Yes?" she asked as she held herself up with the door.

"I need your help," Alice told her.

Selina looked up from the floor and eyed Alice suspiciously. "It's 9 in the morning. Did Bruce send you to torture me?" she asked.

"What? No, I need your help," Alice replied stepping in the apartment.

"Do you need to learn how to tell time?"

"I asked Jervis if he thought I was childish and he said that he did and so now I want to be more mature," Alice explained.

"I know you're new in town but you should know by now, I'm not the most helpful person," Selina told her.

Before Alice could plead with Selina Joker burst through the door. "What's our next course of action?" he asked.

"Now is not the time Jack," Selina hissed.

"Come on, I'm well rested and I'm ready for our next plan," Joker told her.

"Our next plan?" Alice questioned. "What is he talking about?"

"Nothing. He's a nut ball. Drunken sociopaths tell the ugliest lies," Selina said frantically as she tried to push Joker out the door.

"Selina is helping me get Harley back," Joker explained.

"You're not the most helpful person?" Alice asked.

Selina sighed in frustration and plopped onto the couch. "I hate being Mother freaking Theresa."

"What are you trying to get her to do kid?" Joker asked as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Help me be more mature," Alice replied.

An eruption of laughter broke out in the kitchen and Alice pouted.

"Morning kitty cat!" Harley cried as she walked into the apartment.

"Why my life?" Selina asked the ceiling.

"What's he doing here?" Harley asked pointing at the Joker.

"Having breakfast with my girlfriend," he replied through a mouth full of cereal.

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned.

"Go home," Harley ordered.

"You go home," he yelled back.

"Are you gonna help me or not?" Alice asked.

Selina got up from the couch and pulled the blue ribbon Alice was wearing out of her hair. "You want to be more mature? Fine. I'll help. I'll jump in the shower and we'll hit the stores. The first thing you need is a new wardrobe. You!" she said pointing at Harley, "You sit here and watch TV until I'm done showering, you're going to help me and you," she pointed at Joker now, "you go sit in the spare bedroom and watch TV until I come back. Do not leave; do not bother Ivy and Harvey!"

"Do not pass go, do not collect 100 dollars," Joker joked.

Selina narrowed her eyes. "You got ten seconds to get in there."

Joker took his bowl of cereal into the spare bedroom like he was told.

"Anyone else have anything to say?" she asked.

"No sir," Harley replied.

"Give me 15 minutes."

"So what do mature women wear?" Alice asked as she flipped through the clothes rack.

"Shirts without cartoon characters on them," Selina replied.

"I have shirts with cartoon characters on them," Harley said, a little bit offended.

"Alright, it depends on the shirt and where you're wearing it. You can't wear a shirt with Spongebob Squarepants on it to a night out at the Iceberg," Selina explained. "You want to wear your cartoon character shirt to go to the grocery store or to work out then you're fine."

"I see. So what can I wear?" Alice asked.

"Well, what's your style?" Selina asked.

"Um…childish apparently," she replied.

"What celebrities do you like?" Harley asked her.

"Miley Cyrus," she answered.

"No. What celebrity's style do you like?"

"I prefer something classy and sexy, like Audrey Hepburn," Selina told her.

"And I love mod stuff. Very Edie Sedgwick!" Harley squealed.

"Then there's Ivy, the pin-up poster dream," Selina continued.

Alice stood silent and played with her fingers.

Selina sighed. "Alright, we'll decide what would look best."

"Thank you."

Harley and Selina wandered around the store picking out pieces of clothing and then putting them back.

"This is hopeless," Harley muttered.

"It's not hopeless. We just need the right inspiration," Selina replied.

"You ever see that movie The Devil Wears Prada?" Alice asked as she walked over to them with a celebrity magazine in her hand.

"Yeah, why?" Selina answered.

"They're talking about it in this magazine. It's a whole article about Anne Hathaway. Maybe I'll rent it this weekend," Alice explained.

Harley snatched the magazine out of Alice's hands and squealed excitedly.

Selina smiled and grabbed Alice's hand. "Come on. We need to hit the salon."

"I don't think I quite understand the plan," Joker admitted.

"You don't have to. Selina and I just have to understand," Ivy replied.

"I'd like to be let in on what I'm doing."

"I did let you in on. Just because you're stupid and don't get it isn't my fault," Ivy told him as she started on dinner.

"Do you get it?" Joker asked, turning his attention to Harvey.

Harvey peeked out from behind his paper, "I don't have to get it, I'm not really that involved."

"You'll get it…eventually," Ivy assured him.

Joker went to argue but Ivy's phone started to buzz across the table and she answered it.

"Hello," she said.

"What are you guys up to?" Selina asked.

"I'm making dinner, Harvey's reading the paper, and your boyfriend is annoying me," Ivy told her.

"Not my boyfriend!" Selina growled through the phone.

"So, did you fix Alice up?"

"Meet us at the Iceberg and you'll see." Selina hung up.

"I guess we're going to the Iceberg," Ivy told them.

"No sense in making dinner then," Harvey replied getting up from the table to get ready to go out.

"I can still make dinner," Ivy said.

"No baby, save it for another night," Harvey convinced her.

"I wouldn't mind a home cooked meal," Joker added.

Harvey grabbed Joker by the arm and lifted him out of his chair. "We'll eat at the Iceberg. Now come help me pick out a suit."

"Isn't that a little gay?" Joker asked.

"You paint your toe nails, how gay can this be?"

Joker shrugged and followed him down the hallway. "Why can't we eat here?"

"I love Pammy, I love her more than I've loved anyone but her food is…how do I say this? It's rather interesting."

"How so?" Joker questioned.

"Some say it can move all on its own."

Joker shuddered.

"She's no Bree, that's for sure."

"Who the hell is Bree?"

"You know, Bree, from Desperate Housewives," Harvey replied.

"You watch Desperate Housewives?"

"Ivy got me hooked on it. Her and Harley are obsessed with it. And you watch Ugly Betty!" Harvey accused.

"Who told you?!"

"Holly," Harvey replied.

"Damn her!"


	8. Crazy Beautiful

Crazy Beautiful

**Author's Note**: I was thinking about the girl's styles and I never noticed how much they remind me of classic pin-up girls through the ages. Ivy is very Bettie Page and that whole classic pin-up look is very her, Selina is a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn, especially in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Harley makes the perfect modern Edie. That's my random thought for the chapter.

"Where are those girls?" Ivy asked impatiently as she checked her watch for the hundredth time that minute.

"Like I said fifteen seconds ago, I don't know," Harvey grumbled.

Ivy gave Harvey a look and he sulked down into the cushions of the booth.

"I'm rather nervous," Jervis said to no one in particular.

"Why?" Joker questioned. "They made her up and hopefully gave her a normal vocabulary."

"What if she's too good for me now?"

"To be fair, she was too good for you to begin with," Ivy replied.

"God Pammy, why don't you just kick him in the nuts and get it over with?" Harvey growled at her.

"What?!" she roared back. "I was being honest."

Jervis sulked.

"There's a line between honest and being hurtful," Harvey explained.

"Since when do you care?" Joker asked.

Harvey thought for a second. "Damn. I do care. When the hell did that happen?"

Ivy giggled a bit and rested her head on Harvey's shoulder. "Aw…my baby's gone soft."

Harvey rolled his eyes.

"I spot Kittie," Joker said as he averted his eyes from the love fest.

"Where?" Jervis asked excitedly as he jumped up to see over the crowd.

"Here, I'll get you a box," Joker replied sarcastically.

Selina and Harley sauntered over to the table, making sure they hid Alice behind them.

"Lady, gentlemen, and Joker," Selina began.

Joker rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"May we present, the new and improved," Harley continued.

Jervis was practically falling off his seat.

"Alice," they finished.

Alice stepped out from behind them. Her long blonde hair was now chocolate brown, pin straight, with bangs that just touched her eyebrows. She wore a tight black jacket, tight black skinny jeans, and black boots that reached her knees. Under the jacket was a white shirt and she wore silver necklaces around her neck. She smiled shyly with light red lips.

Joker had to slap himself in the face. He expected a difference but this, wow. Even he would go after her.

Jervis sat speechless. He just kept looking Alice up and down.

Alice waved a little. "Hello."

"You look fantastic," Ivy cried from the other side of the table. She got up and stood next to Alice. "This looks amazing! And is that…it is! It's the new Prada bag!"

"Oh, yeah. My mom and dad gave me some money for my birthday and Christmas so I decided to splurge," Alice explained.

"And do you hear that? English we can actually understand," Selina joked as she took a seat next to Joker.

"I'm impressed," Harvey admitted.

Alice sat down next to Jervis and laced her fingers through his. She smiled wide. He looked away.

"So, Harley, where's Eddie tonight?" Jervis asked.

"If he isn't with you then I don't know," Harley admitted as she too took a seat at the table. Harley pulled out her cell phone and flipped through her contacts until she reached Eddie's name.

"Hello," Eddie said through the phone.

"Hiya hun, where are you?" Harley asked.

"I'm on my way to the Iceberg. I made a stop at the store on the way. Be there in two minutes," he replied.

"See you in a bit then." Harley hung up the phone. "Two minutes. He'll be here in two."

"Sure he will," Joker said sarcastically.

"He will," she replied defiantly.

"So where was he?" he asked.

"He stopped at the store."

"That's what they all say when they're cheating on you," Joker said with an evil grin.

Harley looked him dead in the eye. "Then just think of all people I was screwing when I was with you."

"Round one goes to Harley Quinn," Selina mocked.

Instead of blowing up, Joker let loose a wild laugh. "Good one kiddo!"

Harley shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"You're awfully quiet over there," Ivy said to Jervis.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah," he replied in a half mumble.

"It's been two minutes," Joker announced to the table.

"And look who's here," Eddie said. He gave Joker a slight smack upside the head and then kissed Harley.

"He's a like a damn driver for Domino's," Joker muttered under his breath which resulted in a sharp elbow to the ribs from Selina.

"I see some empty glasses, how about I go to the bar and get some drinks? Save Holly the trip," Eddie said.

"Sounds good to me," Harvey replied.

"I'll give you a hand," Harley offered as she got up.

The two walked to the bar, hand in hand.

Selina watched Eddie and Harley laugh and flirt at the bar and even though she was rooting for Joker, she couldn't help but smile.

"They're adorable aren't they?" Alice whispered into Jervis's ear.

He nodded.

"I think we're cuter though," Alice continued.

"Yeah," Jervis replied.

Harley and Eddie walked back to the table with 4 drinks each. They sat the drinks down on the table and Eddie plopped down on a chair, pulling Harley into his lap.

"Took you long enough," Joker grumbled.

"Shut it," Selina warned.

"This is the first couples' night in a long time," Ivy said.

"Couples?" Selina questioned out loud and then she looked next to her and remembered the charade. "Oh yeah."

Joker tossed his arm around Selina's shoulders and smiled at her.

"You guys going to celebrate your anniversary?" Harley asked, sipping on her diet and vodka.

"Anniversary?" Joker asked.

"Yeah, it's coming up in a couple of weeks," Harley replied.

"Hadn't thought about it," Joker admitted.

"Me neither," Selina added.

"We should have a little dinner to celebrate," Harley squealed.

Joker looked at Selina and she shrugged. "Only if we celebrate all our anniversaries," Selina offered.

"Can Holly and Dick come too?" Alice asked excitedly.

"Absolutely."

"Then it's settled," Harley said firmly.

Joker looked at Selina and glared.

"It's dinner and booze, we'll live," Selina whispered.

"I love this song," Selina half slurred.

It had been a couple of hours since they got to the Iceberg and the table was littered with empty glasses. Ivy was practically passed out on Harvey, Harley and Alice were planning the anniversary party, and Jervis was still silent as the grave.

Joker got up from his chair and offered his hand to Selina. "Wanna dance?"

Selina smiled and allowed Joker to lead her to the dance floor where she stumbled into his arms. "Sorry," she mumbled.

Joker gave her a little twirl and the two swayed slowly to the music.

"It had to be you," Selina sang. "It had to be…" then she hummed the rest of the song.

Harley stopped talking with Alice and watched Selina and Joker dance. She felt her cheeks get a little warm and she began to breathe deeply. "I need to use the ladies." Harley got up and grabbed Ivy's arm.

Ivy's eyes fluttered open and she stumbled a bit. "Where are we going?"

"The bathroom."

"I don't have to go," she mumbled.

"I need you to go with me."

Harley continued on to the bathroom, dragging Ivy behind her.

"I'm a little drunk," Selina admitted.

"I can tell," Joker replied.

"You smell nice," she said as she buried her face in his jacket.

"The miracle of the shower," he joked.

"She ran to the bathroom," Selina said as she watched Harley stomp into the ladies' room with Ivy trailing behind.

"Who?"

"Harley."

"Oh. I think I lost the war."

"No, there's still hope."

Joker dipped Selina and she laughed as she about fell over.

"Okay, we're not doing that again," she laughed. Selina looked up at him and realized he was focused on the ladies' room door. "Maybe we should call the coast guard in case she fell in."

"Hmm?" Joker snapped his attention back to Selina. "She's been in there for a bit."

"Why couldn't you be this into her when she was with you?"

"I was, I just never let her know it," Joker answered.

"Oh my god!" Selina exclaimed.

"What?" Joker asked panicked.

"At the bar, it's Bruce."

Joker turned to look and he saw the man in question. He did look like Bruce but he could only see his back. "I can't really tell."

The man started to turn and Selina grabbed Joker by the back of his head and kissed him.

You'd think he'd be used to it by now but he still fought a bit and then relaxed.

Harley walked out of the bathroom and the first thing she saw was Joker and Selina. She wiped the tears from her eyes and walked to the table where she faked a smile and kissed Eddie.

The man turned around and Selina realized it wasn't Bruce Wayne but Dick Grayson. From behind, it was an honest mistake. Selina pulled away from Joker. "Sorry, false alarm."

"Why is it always when in doubt, kiss Joker?" he asked sarcastically.

"Look, you agreed to this whole charade," Selina said as she poked him in the chest.

"Agreed, forced into it, tomato, potato."

"Those are two different words," Selina told him.

"Exactly."

The two stopped dancing and Joker practically carried Selina back to the table. "I think we're calling it a night," he told everyone.

"Us too," Harvey added nodding toward Ivy.

Out front of the Iceberg, Harvey tried to hail a cab without dropping Ivy who was passed out on his shoulder while Joker tried to keep Selina from walking back in to get another drink.

"You guys going to be alright?" Eddie asked.

"Fine," Harvey grunted as he adjusted Ivy again.

"Good night girls, Harvey," Harley called as she and Eddie walked down the road.

"Ouch! You got snubbed," Selina laughed.

Joker glared at her.

"You were quiet tonight," Alice commented as she and Jervis walked home.

"Was I?" Jervis replied nonchalantly.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No."

"Can you say anything else besides no?" she joked.

"Yeah." Jervis cracked a smile and Alice nudged him.

"Tell me what's going on," Alice coaxed.

"What happened to "spill it" and "what it do"?" Jervis asked.

"I upgraded my vocabulary along with my wardrobe," she answered.

"Mmm," he grunted.

"Alright, seriously, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he replied.

Jervis opened the door to apartment and headed straight for bed. Alice trailed behind him like a puppy.

"I got new pajamas today too," she said hopefully.

"Did you?"

"Yeah, at Victoria's Secret. They're very sexy."

"Maybe tomorrow." Jervis quickly changed into his own pajamas and jumped into bed leaving Alice alone and slightly heartbroken.


	9. 7 Things I Hate About You

7 Things I Hate About You

**Author's Note:** Yeah so….I really got nothing to say. I did find some Mountain Dew lip balm. I know you probably don't care but I've been on a Mountain Dew lip balm quest for a year now.

"Hey Ozzie, I've been thinking," Harley said as she took a seat at the bar next to Oswald Cobblepot.

"I'll alert the media," Oswald replied sarcastically.

"Cute. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe you could use an extra set of hands around here. Like another waitress or bartender."

"No, no, no no, no," he replied.

"Why not?" Harley whined.

"Miss Quinn, I like you. Really, I do but you are not the employee type."

"I was a waitress back in my college days, I'm sure I can pick it up pretty quickly," she tried.

"Be that as it may, I don't feel comfortable hiring a criminal," Oswald explained.

"You're a criminal," Harley replied.

"I WAS a criminal," he told her.

"Was my butt."

Ozzie sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why do you need a job anyway?"

"This wedding is gonna cost more than I anticipated and I want everything to be perfect." Harley put on the puppy dog pout and gave Oswald the sad eyes.

"That won't work Miss Quinn."

Harley jumped off the bar stool and stomped off.

"Just a minute," Oswald called.

She turned around and walked back over to him.

"I have a friend in Romania," Oswald told her.

"I'm thrilled for you."

"I'm not done you twit. Anyway, this friend has an interest in a certain painting at the Gotham Museum of Art."

"I'm listening," she replied.

"It's by an artist named Edward Frederick Brewtnall," Oswald went on.

"Goes by the name Sleeping Beauty."

"Precisely."

"Why does he want this painting?" Harley asked.

"He didn't say and I didn't ask. The point is, he wants it, he asked me to find someone to get it, and if you do get it you get the money, minus my small finder's fee of course."

"Finder's fee?" she questioned.

"I found you so I get a cut."

"And how small is your finder's fee?" Harley crossed her arms and cocked her hip.

"Small, very small. Just 40," he replied.

"40 huh? I was expecting you to say 50."

"Well, I'm not the one risking jail time for it."

Harley thought about it for a second. "How much is this going to pay?"

"Your cut? Well, about 300,000. Approximately, of course," Oswald replied.

"Alright, it's helpful so I'm not going to reject it." Harley and Oswald shook hands. "It's a deal Ozzie."

"I'll call you with the details tomorrow."

Harley got up again and headed over to Ivy's table which, like Ivy's apartment, was now Ivy and Harvey's. Harley thought it was cute. Every time she stayed with Ivy it was always Ivy's place. She never shared anything until now.

"Why were you talking to that creep?" Ivy asked.

Harley took a seat. "I was looking for a job."

"Any luck then?"

"Yes, actually." Harley looked around the club. "Selina ain't here tonight?"

Harvey smiled

Selina drummed her fingers on the table. She was having dinner with Dr. Tom Griffin, a pediatrician she met when they both reached for the same cab. This was her first date, well, her first non-pretend date, since she broke up with Bruce. Tom Griffin was gorgeous. He had chestnut eyes, wavy sandy brown hair, and just the right amount of stubble on his face. He was intelligent, articulate, and down to Earth.

"So what do you think?" Tom asked.

"I'm sorry, I missed what you were saying," Selina admitted a bit embarrassed.

Tom chuckled. "It's not important. I was probably boring you."

"No, not at all," she replied. "Honestly, I'm not bored, I'm just preoccupied." Which was the truth. Selina kept eyeing the entrance, waiting for Joker, Harley, or any of the other rogues to walk in.

"Can I ask what's on your mind?" he asked.

It was Selina's turn to laugh. "You don't even want to know."

Todd reached across the table and grabbed Selina's hand. "So, tell me something about you."

"She likes the show Scrubs."

Selina snapped her attention up and faked a smile. The only thing worse than running into the Joker on a date was running into an ex on a date and there stood Bruce Wayne.

"Selina, you look great," Bruce told her.

"Thank you. Oh! Um, Bruce this is Tom Griffin, Dr. Tom Griffin. And Tom this is Bruce Wayne," Selina said.

"The Bruce Wayne? Wow. I can't believe I'm actually meeting you," Tom said shaking Bruce's hand.

"It's a pleasure. Doctor huh? What's your practice?"

"Pediatrics. I like working with kids," Tom replied.

"That's nice."

"So, how do you know Selina?" Tom asked.

"We're old friends. We met at a Wayne Benefit," Selina answered. "You here alone?"

"No, I'm here with Tim. Since Dick floated into town we haven't spent any time together and since Dick's out with Holly I thought tonight would be a good night," Bruce explained.

"So where is Tim?" Selina questioned.

"He ran to the bathroom," Bruce replied.

"Oh, I see."

Bruce smiled wider and then coughed. "Well I should go over to the table and wait for Tim. It was nice seeing you again Selina and nice meeting you Tom." Bruce walked away from the table and Selina sighed in relief.

"So how long did you two date?" Tom asked.

Selina nearly spit out the sip of wine she took. "Excuse me?"

"You and Bruce, how long did you two date?"

"How did you know?" she laughed.

"I'm pretty good at reading people."

"We dated for about a year," Selina replied.

"What happened?"

"He, um, well, he cheated on me," she answered.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried," Tom said.

"No, it's ok. It was months ago. I'm fine," she assured him.

Selina walked through the door of the apartment and kicked her shoes off. She made her way over to the couch and plopped down in between Ivy and Harvey.

"How did it go?" Harvey asked.

"Tom was great. Smart, funny, cute, the perfect guy. Oh, and Bruce showed up," Selina said as she flipped the channel on the TV.

"Awkward?" Ivy asked.

"Yeah, a little."

"Did Tom get angry?" Harvey questioned.

"Nope."

"So, why so down?"

Selina turned off the TV and sighed. "I don't know. Tom is this perfect guy and I was really starting to like him until Bruce showed up. Now I just want to crawl into a hole."

"That sucks," Joker commented from the kitchen.

Selina turned around on the couch and glared. "Why are you here?"

"Hanging out with Harvey and Ivy," he replied.

Harvey shook his head. "It's like he lives here."

Harley walked through the door. "Why is he always here?" she asked pointing at the Joker.

"That's what I was wondering," Harvey replied.

Joker stuck his tongue out at her.

"So mature," she shot back. "Anyway, I'm here to see Selina."

"Why me?" she asked.

"I don't know, but I am tired of being the International House of Rogues," Ivy growled yanking a plate of cookies from Joker's hands. "This is not Arkham!"

"Can I talk to you in your room?" Harley asked.

"Why not?" Selina replied.

Selina and Harley trailed down the hallway and into Selina's bedroom where Selina flopped down onto the bed and Harley took a seat on the leopard print chair in the corner. Selina propped her head up with her hand and looked at Harley, who was sitting quietly taking in the room.

"You wanted to talk?" Selina asked.

"Oh, yeah. I have a business proposal for you," Harley began.

"Business proposal?" she repeated cocking her eyebrow.

"Oswald has a friend in Romania who wants a painting from our museum," Harley explained.

"Ozzie has friends huh?"

"My thoughts exactly. Anyway, the job pays well and Ozzie is only taking 40 but I figured I'd get the painting and contact this guy all on my own."

"You'd really do that to Penguin?" Selina asked.

"Why not? He'd do it to me," Harley replied.

"Fair enough. So what's my role in all this?" Selina questioned.

"I need a partner. I'm sure I could break into the museum all on my own, but in order to get the buyer's information out of Ozzie's office, I'll need help."

"One to distract him and another to steal the information," Selina said.

"Yepperz," Harley answered.

"So, what's my cut of all this?"

"That depends…"

"Depends on what?"

"Are you just going to help me break into Ozzie's office or are you gonna go the whole nine yards and help me get into the museum too?" Harley asked.

"Why would you want me to help you get the painting out of the museum?"

"I can hack the security system, no problem, I'm just not sure of the layout in the museum. I've broken in once or twice, walked around as a civilian, but I've never really paid any attention and I could put in the extra time to map it out but I want this done quick. Plus, I don't want anyone to know this is a Harley Quinn job," she explained.

"Alright, I'm in," Selina replied sitting up.

"Really?"

"You sound surprised," she remarked.

"I honestly thought you'd just help be break into Ozzie's office or say no altogether," Harley admitted.

"Well, I've been out of the game for awhile, I could use a good romp," Selina explained.

"Great!" Harley squealed.

"It's nice of you to meet me Miss Quinn," Oswald quacked as he and Harley took a seat at his table at the Iceberg Lounge.

"It's a Friday night, I probably would have ended up here at some point anyway," she joked.

"Well, my friend is very excited you decided to help him with his deed."

"Yeah, well, it's not a big thing," she replied eyeing Oswald's office door.

Oswald droned on and on about business and whatever else he deemed worthy of conversation. Harley nodded and added a yes or no here and there, but her focus was on Oswald's office. She kept her cell phone out and on her lap in case Selina had a problem. Every five seconds, Harley would glance down at her lap and then look back up, smile at Oswald, and continue nodding and uh huh-ing.

"Oh, I forgot my phone in my office and I'm expecting a call. Excuse me for a second," Oswald said getting up from the table.

Harley snapped her attention onto Oswald and jumped up from the table. "Your office?" she asked trying to keep her smile.

"Yes, I'll be right back," he assured her.

Harley tried to fumble with her phone but it was no use. She followed Oswald as he started for his office.

"I can do this alone Miss Quinn."

"Yeah, but wouldn't you like some company IN YOUR OFFICE OZZIE?" Harley called through the office door.

Meanwhile...

Selina crawled in through Oswald Cobblepot's office window from the alley. She dropped down onto the floor and mocked a gymnast making a landing from a flip. "And she nails it!" she joked. Selina walked behind Oswald's desk, plopped down into his chair, kicked her feet up onto the desk, and leaned back. "I feel like a million bucks."

After a second, she decided she should get to work. Selina started to flip through Oswald's files, papers, and the like. So far, no luck. As Selina opened one of the desk drawers, Oswald's phone started to ring and vibrate across the desk. Selina picked it up and read the caller ID. "Victor Teppes huh? Sounds Romanian to me." After the phone stopped ringing, Selina flipped it open and scrolled through his contacts list until she found Victor Teppes. She wrote down the name and number and shoved the slip of paper into her shirt.

"IN YOUR OFFICE OZZIE?" Harley's voiced called through the door.

Selina jumped up. "Shit," she mumbled. She quickly looked around the room for somewhere to hide but there was no luck. She jumped up for the window just as the door was beginning to open.

"Really Miss Quinn, I am more than capable of doing this on my own," Oswald told her, slightly more annoyed now.

Harley rushed into the room before Oswald could and was surprised to not see Selina anywhere.

"Something the matter Miss Quinn?" Oswald asked as he checked his phone.

"What? Huh? No," Harley replied. She got on her knees and looked under the Oswald's desk.

"What are you looking for?" he grumbled.

"Looking for? Nothing, just admiring the carpet. I always thought you'd have hard wood floors in here," she lied.

"Alright then," he said giving her a look like she was a nut, well, nuttier than usual.

Harley pulled herself up and as she did, she stumbled a bit and happened to look up where Selina was desperately clinging to the ceiling for dear life. Harley dropped her jaw and then quickly pulled herself up. "Maybe we should get back out there and mingle," she said desperately.

"I just have to call our buyer back. Feel free to go back out. I'll meet you," he replied.

"I'll just kick it in here with you then." Harley took a seat on the opposite side of Oswald's desk and glanced up at Selina.

"Get him out of here!" she mouthed.

Harley smiled at Oswald. She had to think fast. "It's a bit hot in here."

"Then go wait at the bar," Oswald growled.

Harley's phone began to vibrate. She looked down and noticed she had a new text message from Ivy.

"Are you coming to the Iceberg tonight?" it read.

"I'm there."

"So am I. Where are you?"

"In Ozzie's office. Who else is here?"

"Me, Harvey, and Joker…of course." Ivy replied.

Harley automatically got a good idea. She started a new message to Joker. "I need your help."

"What do you need?" he replied.

"A loud distraction."

"What do I get in return?"

"What are you doing over there Miss Quinn?" Oswald asked eyeing her suspiciously.

"Texting Alice. That girl just won't shut up," she replied casually.

"What do you want?" Harley texted back.

"A friendly dinner."

"Lunch."

"Dinner. No negotiating."

Harley scrunched up her nose. She looked up at Selina who still had the look of desperation on her face. Harley rolled her eyes. "You owe me," she mouthed.

"Done. Now, quickly!"

Both Harley and Selina awaited the distraction that would get them out of there alive. Harley held her breath as Selina's arms began to shake from the stress being put on them. Just as she was about to let go and crash onto the desk below, a commotion erupted in the bar outside.

"What in blue blazes?!" Oswald hollered. He jumped up from his desk and burst through the door.

Harley caught a glimpse of the scene outside. All she caught was Joker on top of the bar and a small fire around his feet. Selina dropped down from the ceiling and glared at Harley.

"I moved as fast as I could," Harley said in defense.

"Why didn't you warn me you were coming in?!" Selina hissed.

"I yelled through the door."

"Yeah! Ten seconds before you walked in!"

"Sorry. He just jumped up and ran for the office. I got him out of here as fast as I could."

"Speaking of which, how much did that just cost you?" Selina asked.

"A dinner," she replied.

"Not to bad. How much did it cost me?"

"You know that leopard print halter top you never let me borrow?"

Selina folded her arms and cocked her hip. "It's your's whenever you want."

"Thank you. Did you get the info?"

"Yes. Now, let's get the hell out of dodge," Selina said heading for the door.

The two women slowly snuck out of Oswald's office and made their way to Ivy and Harvey's table. They were just in time to watch the bouncers toss Joker out on his bum.

"I don't know what gets into that man," Oswald told one of the frightened waitresses as they walked back to his office.

"I wonder what did get into him," Harvey pondered aloud.

"Looks like women troubles to me," Ivy remarked as she gave Selina and Harley a suspicious glance.

"You're accusing me of something aren't you Red?" Harley asked.

"Feeling guilty?"

"Not particularly," Harley replied with a smile.

"I just saw the bouncers toss Joker out, what went on?" Eddie asked as he walked up to the table.

"He went crazy and lit the bar on fire," Harvey replied.

"Happy I didn't miss anything."

Selina looked over at the bar and there he was, Bruce Wayne. And this time she was positive since Dick was standing next to him. "I need a drink," she said quickly and jumped up from the table. She sauntered over to the bar and gave a little hair flip just as Bruce turned to face her. "Hey Holl, I need a beer." She leaned over the bar and pushed her cleavage up a bit.

"Coming right up doll," Holly replied.

"Hey Selina," Dick said giving her a slight pat on the shoulder. "How's it going?"

"Hi hun. It's been going good. How are things with you?" she asked giving a slight smile at Bruce.

"Great. Um, Bruce, you remember Selina."

"Hey," Bruce mumbled.

"Hi," she replied.

Holly slid Selina's beer onto the bar. "Ok, it's break time for me. Want to step outside?" she asked Dick.

"You kids behave now." Dick and Holly walked out the door and before the doors closed, Dick gave Bruce the wink.

"No doctor tonight?" Bruce asked.

"Nope, I brought my other boyfriend."

"I see. Does he know about Bob?"

"It's Tom, and yes. He does," Selina replied.

"And he doesn't care? That is the most understanding boyfriend," he said sarcastically.

"Shut it," Selina warned.

"No really, you've landed a good one."

"I get the hint. Joker isn't fooling you."

"I'm merely expressing my joy for you," Bruce replied with his cocky little grin.

Selina slammed her beer down onto the bar. "I find it surprising that you can get out of the house with a head that big. You are an arrogant bastard. You think you are just the best thing to happen to Gotham but here's a news flash for you golden boy, you're not as hot as you think you are! You have this whole confident façade and yet you need constant reassurance about how great you are! You can't make up your mind about anything including the woman you want to be with. You called me every second for two months and then all of a sudden you don't want anything to do with me and yet tonight you bust me about my dating choices! What do you want?!" Selina yelled.

Bruce opened his mouth to say something but Selina put her hand up.

"I don't give a damn what you want." Selina stomped away from the bar and slumped into her chair.

"That went well," Ivy commented.

"Shut up," Selina hissed back.

"You started off good but he quickly got the upper hand," Harley told her.

"Shut up!"

"So how'd it go with Selina tonight?" Dick asked as he and Bruce drove home.

"I drove her to the edge and then pushed her," Bruce replied.

Dick shook his head and smacked Bruce on the forehead. "No! Bad! You're supposed to say nice things to her and lure her into being friends with you."

"Yeah, I remember the plan."

"I can't believe you bombed this," Dick laughed.

"How's Barbara?" Bruce asked.

"Shut up."


	10. Fall For You

Fall For You

Fall For You

**Author's Random Thought**: Over the summer I started watching shows I hated cuz there was nothing better on. Now I can't stop reading Gossip Girl fan fictions. I can't help it…I'm in love with Chuck and Blair. Damn. I also have this strange love for House.

Harley sat at a table in a nice restaurant far, far away from the Iceberg Lounge. It was one of the many stipulations she had when she and Joker planned their dinner. He also had to wear full makeup and a sensible black suit. She also decided on a disguise, little black dress and a long, dark blonde, slightly curly wig. Harley opened her compact and checked her reflection in the mirror. She was growing impatient. They had their dinner set for 4:30 pm because she and Selina had to do the museum job tonight. Harley checked her watch, 4:15. Okay, so she got there super early in hopes he'd show up early so she could get the hell out as fast as humanly possible.

"4:16," she sighed. "Great." Harley drummed her fingers on the table top, bit her nails, sipped her water, and then repeated the process. "Why is time moving so slow?!"

"Because you're watching it," Joker replied, taking the chair opposite of her. "I almost didn't recognize you. What's with the getup?"

"I didn't want anyone to recognize me. I mean if word got back to Eddie that I was out on a date with another guy…" she shook her head, "I don't even wanna think about it."

"Date? I thought this was a friendly dinner," he replied with a sly grin.

"Well you and I know that but to someone else it would look like a date," she fumbled.

Joker leaned back and smiled, completely and utterly pleased with himself.

"Shut up," she groaned.

"I didn't say anything."

"I know what you were thinking."

"What was I thinking then?" he asked.

"You know what you were thinking," she fired back.

"Are you two ready to order?" the waiter asked, pen at the ready.

"Hmmm…" Joker flipped open his menu and started reading the names of all the dishes to himself, he'd stop and debate the dish, and then continue reading.

Harley snarled. "I'll have the special tonight," she told the waiter. "And a bottle of wine…please."

Joker continued reading through the menu.

"Today, Jack!" she warned.

"I'll have what she's having," he said to the waiter and then erupted in a fit of laughter. "That movie is a classic."

The waiter rolled his eyes and walked away.

Harley reached across the table and grabbed Joker by his lapels. "You so much as think about faking an orgasm in this restaurant and I'll beat the living snot out of you in the alley out back and leave you on the front steps of Arkham!" she warned.

Joker's eyes went wide and he put his hands up in surrender.

She let him go and watched him sink back into his chair.

"I like my women strong," he joked.

"Back alley, Arkham," she repeated.

They sat silently. Joker watched Harley play with her hair while she stared at a couple at a neighboring table. She glanced back at Joker, smiled, and then looked away again.

"So, how've you been?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Fine. You?"

"Fine."

Harley watched the other couple again. She could feel Joker's eyes watching her. She wondered if the couple could feel her eyes. "Why did you want me to go to dinner with you?"

"I didn't want to eat alone."

"Why not eat with Selina?" she asked.

"I'm tired of spending time with her," he answered.

"Great relationship," she mocked.

"And yet here you are, having dinner with me."

"This is what you wanted for payment," she replied.

"You could have said no," he pointed out.

"You wouldn't have helped me then."

"Yeah, I would have," he told her.

The waiter placed their dinners on the table. "Anything else for the lovely couple?"

"Not at the moment, thank you," Harley said.

He smiled, sat the bottle of wine on the table, and walked away.

"Did you hear that?" Joker asked.

"What?"

"We're a lovely couple."

Harley rolled her eyes but she couldn't hide her smile.

"And do you remember that time Batman slipped on a banana peel?" Joker asked through his hysterical laughter.

Harley nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes. She had to hold her stomach because of the terrible pain but she couldn't stop laughing.

"Can I get another beer?" Joker asked waving his empty glass in the air.

"Sure thing, sir," Holly replied with a wink.

Joker and Harley had moved their dinner to the Iceberg for drinks, and even though they were wearing disguises, they weren't fooling Holly.

"We had some pretty good times," Harley said after her giggles subsided.

"Remember how we used to roll around on Ozzie's desk?" Joker asked with a sly smile and wink.

Harley's cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink. "Heh, yeah." She hid her smile behind her hand.

Joker "accidentally" brushed his hand against her leg. "Sorry," he muttered. As he pulled his hand away from her, she reached out and took it.

Now, Harley wasn't drunk. She had had only a couple of glasses of wine at the restaurant and a bottle of beer at the Iceberg. So when she pulled Joker from the bar and pushed him into Oswald's office, it surprised them both.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Oswald quacked in shock.

Joker popped him one in the face.

Oswald fell back and smacked his head against the wall, knocking him unconscious.

Harley pulled her wig off as Joker started to wiggle her out of her dress. She reached up with one of Oswald's handkerchiefs and wiped away some of the makeup on Joker's face. He lifted her up onto the desk and…well…you get the idea.

Oswald woke up an hour later with a killer headache. He wasn't sure who the couple was that had barged into his office and assaulted him but he was damn sure they'd never set foot into the Iceberg lounge again.

"You're being awfully quiet," Selina commented as she and Harley crawled through the air vents in the Gotham Art Museum later on that night.

"I have my head halfway up your ass, what do you want me to say?" Harley responded.

Selina stopped dead in her tracks and turned, as much as she could, to face Harley. "What happened at dinner?"

"Nothing!" Harley replied far too quickly.

"Something happened," Selina pressed.

"Can we continue this later back at the apartment or at least when we're not in an air vent?"

"Fine." Selina turned back around and continued crawling. "I'll find out eventually."

Harley sighed and continued crawling behind her. "How did you do this night after night?"

"I used to hit other places too," Selina replied. "Here we go." Selina pulled the vent covering off and dropped down onto the floor below. Harley quickly followed. "Tell me again why we look like we should be in the new Charlie's Angels movie."

"I didn't want us to be recognized if we got caught," Harley explained, again, for the hundredth time. She adjusted her black tank top and pulled at her thong which, had taken up permanent residence up her butt. "But the leather pants and high heeled boots may have been a bad idea."

"Mmmhmmm," Selina hummed walking over to the wall where Sleeping Beauty hung. "Now, you're positive you turned the alarm off."

"Yes."

Selina reached up and pulled the painting off the wall. No alarms. "Now we just need to get this thing out of here."

"It isn't fitting in the vent, that's for damn sure."

"We'll walk out the back door since we know the alarm has definitely been disarmed."

"You doubted me?" Harley asked slightly offended.

"No. Not really. Well…" Selina stammered.

Harley huffed and started for the back door. "Come on."

"Oh don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"So what happened at dinner?" Selina asked with a childish grin.

"Nothing."

"Liar. Something happened."

"No it didn't!" Harley argued back.

"Oh come on. I won't get mad. You know Joker and I aren't that serious. I just had a date the other night so come on, tell me what happened," Selina begged.

Harley bit her lip and then kicked the floor. "Fine. We…well we kind of…well you see…oh hell. We had sex." Harley walked faster.

"You had sex with Joker?!" Selina squealed.

"And now I feel really guilty about the whole thing."

"Where?"

"Oswald's office," Harley sighed.

Selina laughed and ran to catch up with Harley. "How was it?"

"Amazing. Can we drop it?"

"Fine."

They walked out of the museum and got in the car.

"So, what are you going to do?" Selina asked.

"That's not dropping it!"

"So, I'm guessing last night went well," Ivy commented as Selina dragged herself to the kitchen table for breakfast the morning after the museum job.

"Without a hitch or bat," Selina replied.

"How much you getting paid?" Joker asked as he munched on his cereal.

"Once again, why is he always here?" Selina asked.

"I'm not the one who let him in," Ivy told her as she pointed to Harvey who was buried behind his paper.

"I'm out numbered, I need reinforcements and Joker is the best I can get," Harvey said in defense.

"Besides, you're supposed to be helping me," Joker added.

"You don't need our help, you did fine all on your own last night," Selina said with a sly grin.

"What are you talking about?" Ivy asked.

"Our little Jack-y boy here took Harley to dinner and gave her the old one two in Oswald's office."

Joker leaned against the counter and went beat red in the face.

"He's so cute when he blushes," Ivy teased.

"Quiet," he grumbled through the mouthful of cereal.

"Now what are you going to do?" Ivy asked.

"I don't know."

Selina shook her head and sighed. "You need to call her."

"Why?"

"First of all, it's polite to call someone after a date and secondly, you want her to know you want to be with her not just do her."

"I see," he replied.

"I'd wait," Harvey said from behind his newspaper.

"Excuse me?" Ivy replied.

"I'd wait to call her. Give it a day or two, play it cool."

Selina and Ivy stood next to each other with their arms firmly crossed across their chests.

"Play it cool?" Ivy asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, you don't want to seem too desperate," he explained.

"You called me five minutes after I left your house on our first date," Ivy said.

Harvey ducked down further behind his paper. "You're different."

Selina glared at him and then turned to Joker. "Look, women get pissed off when you don't call them for two days, especially women like Harley. You need to prove that you are really in it to be with her so you better get up off your butt and call her."

"But it's only 10:00 am," Joker wined.

Selina crossed the kitchen and grabbed him by the shirt. She dragged him into her room, threw him onto the bed, and closed the door. She put her full wait on the door and said, "I'm not moving until I hear you have a conversation with her and I will be checking your phone."

Joker grunted and pouted. Who was she to tell him what to do? He was the Joker! He was lord of the underworld! He was the king of the Rogues. That's when he realized he was whipped by his fake girlfriend. "Crap," he mumbled.

"I don't hear anything," Selina called through the door.

He hurriedly flipped his phone open and dialed Harley's number.

"Hello," Eddie replied through the phone.

"Hi, uh, er, this is Harley's phone right?" he asked.

"Yeah, but she's in the shower. What do you need Joker?" The last five words were laced with acid.

Joker's eyes narrowed. "I need to talk to Harley."

"Why?"

"It's none of your business."

"I'm her fiancée, I'd say it's my business," Eddie replied.

"Damn. Well, it doesn't concern you."

"Still, I want to know why my fiancée's ex-boyfriend is calling her."

"Um…well…" he fumbled. "I'm, a, calling her because I…because I need help buying Selina an anniversary gift!"

Selina whipped the door open and glared at him. "What the hell?" she mouthed.

"Why not ask Ivy?" Eddie questioned.

"I am…two heads are better than one," he laughed.

"Fair enough," Eddie surrendered. "I'll have her call you back." And with that, he hung up.

"That went well," Joker said as he tossed the phone over on the bed.

"What the hell was that?" Selina asked.

"That…was Nigma," he replied.

"Great."

"This still works out in my favor."

"How so?"

"Well, I told him I need Harley to help me pick out a gift for you so now I can have a whole afternoon alone with her," he explained.

"Damn."

"What?" he asked.

"I can't believe I didn't think of that."


	11. Now For Something Completely Diferent

And Now For Something Completely Different…

And Now For Something Completely Different…

**Author's Note**: Something completely different? That's not a song title! Yeah, I'm aware that isn't a song title but this chapter really is completely different. My friend Kittie and I were discussing Harley Quinn being in a Batman movie and somehow it got to Batman 40 years into the future. And this is what came of that conversation…once again; it has nothing to do with the story.

Batman: The Golden Years

Starring….

Adam West as Batman

Ian McKellen as the Joker

Bea Arthur as Catwoman

Betty White as Harley Quinn

Rue McClanahan as Poison Ivy

Paul Newman as Two-Face

Burt Ward as Nightwing

And the rest of the cast is random old people I nabbed from the old folks home down the road.

Synopsis: Batman universe has hit their golden years and are still going at it. It's a late night for our dark hero, around 7:30 pm or so, and he's perched on top of the Gotham Museum waiting for Catwoman to make her appearance…..

"It's cold up here," Nightwing commented as he pulled his jacket tighter.

"What was that?" Batman asked snapping his attention from the shadow on the opposite wall.

"I said, it's cold up here."

"Yes, it is hard to hear," Batman agreed.

"No, I said…ah forget it," Nightwing said a bit frustrated.

"What am I getting?"

Nightwing shook his head.

"I heard something," Batman whispered.

"Sorry, I had broccoli," Nightwing replied, slightly embarrassed.

Suddenly, a loud crash erupted from below them.

"You need to cut back on the vegetable," Batman commented.

"That one wasn't me."

The heroes dropped into the museum below, well…they walked through the roof door and took the elevator to the museum below.

"It's dark in here," Nightwing commented.

"You got your eyes closed," Batman told him.

"Oh, right."

"As sharp as ever," Catwoman hissed from the opposite side of the room.

"Stop right there Catwoman!" Batman ordered.

"Just try and stop…" she was interrupted by a coughing fit, "me." She pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. "I really gotta quit."

"What are you doing here?" Joker grumbled as he entered the room with Harley close behind. "Damn walker got stuck again."

"Joker? What are you doing here?" Batman asked.

"I'm robbing this bank!" he replied.

"For the last time Puddin', this is the museum!" Harley whined.

"Heh? Damn it!" Joker cursed.

"Joker, I'm taking you back to Arkham," Batman told him pointing a finger at him.

"We don't go to Arkham anymore, we go to Shady Pines remember?" Harley asked.

"Oh...right."

"You're not taking me back without a fight," Joker growled shaking his walker in Batman's general direction.

"A little to your left," Batman told him.

"Oh, thanks. I need to get new bifocals," Joker mumbled.

Catwoman started to tiptoe toward the door but Nightwing stepped in front of her.

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

"I gotta get home, American Idol is coming on," she said with a sly smile.

"You're not going…going…damn. I forgot what I was saying," Nightwing cried in frustration.

"You were telling her she wasn't going anywhere," Ivy cooed as she walked in to the room.

"Hiya Red!" Harley called.

"Harley? I thought you were going to Boca," Ivy said slightly confused.

"Me and Puddin' stopped for some money but he got confused and took us to the museum instead of the bank."

"I didn't get confused! The bank was here. They moved it!" he yelled and then went into a coughing fit. "Stupid fluid in my lung."

"It's like a reunion in here," Two-Face said as he wrapped his arm around Ivy which caused her to wobble.

"What are you doing here?" Batman asked.

"I go where she goes…she has my meds," Two-Face explained.

Ivy jabbed him slightly in the foot with her cane. "Meh."

"Well you're all going back to Shady Grove," Batman grumbled.

"Shady Pines!" Joker corrected. "And I am not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Yes I am!" Joker yelled.

"No you're not!"

"Fine! I'll leave then. Send you a postcard from Boca. Come on Haley," Joker said as he pulled Harley toward the door.

"It's Harley, not Haley," she told him.

"I said Harley," he argued.

"You also said this was the bank," she replied.

"I told you! This was the bank! They moved it!" he yelled.

"You've lost it Jack," Catwoman told him.

"I'm calling Gordon and hauling you all in," Batman told them as he pulled out his phone.

"Gordon's been dead for three years," Harvey said. "And he's been retired for 20."

"Gordon's dead? When did that happen?" Batman asked.

"Ten years ago!" Catwoman growled.

"Three!" Two-Face corrected.

"Whatever," she sighed.

"Well, I'm calling the police anyway," Batman said.

"You'll never take me alive!" Joker called as he made a move for the door.

"Are you having another heart attack Puddin'" Harley asked.

"I never had a heart attack, that was Riddler," Joker replied.

"I thought he had a stroke," Ivy commented.

"No, Penguin had a stroke. Riddler had the heart attack," Catwoman replied.

"They both had a stroke," Two-Face told them.

"Who had the heart attack?" Joker asked.

"You did, last year!" Batman barked.

"Why don't I remember?" he asked.

"You have Alzheimer's," Catwoman told him.

"No he doesn't, he has slight memory loss," Harley argued.

"This is neither here nor there. We're all going down town," Batman ordered.

Suddenly, someone's phone started to ring.

"You're phone's ringing Joker," Two-Face pointed out.

"Blast it," he muttered digging through his pockets. Joker pulled out some old tissues, his reading glasses, Harley's denture case, and finally his phone. "Hello."

"Hey grandpa," came a boy's voice from the phone.

"Harley its Sheridan," Joker said handing her the phone.

"Hi Sheridan, its nana," Harley squealed.

"Tell Sheridan I said hello," Ivy cried.

"You're great aunt Ivy says hello."

"Nana, I'm in a bit of a pickle," Sheridan said.

"Oh no! He is not getting anymore money! Let his dead beat dad give him money. I told Billie not to marry that bum," Joker muttered.

"What do you need Sheridan?" she asked. "Huh? Uh huh. Well I don't see why your poppa and I can't buy you pajamas. What? Uh huh. Okay, well we'll send you the money then. Bye Sheridan, nana and poppa love you." Harley closed the phone.

"Pajamas?" Joker asked.

"Yes, he wants some satin pajamas," Harley explained.

"Why does he need satin pajamas?!"

"For those hot summer nights," she told him.

Joker gritted his teeth and muttered under his breath about strangling Sheridan with his satin pajamas. "Why can't he ask his parents?"

"He did but his dad said no," Harley replied.

"Bah!"

"Are you done?" Batman asked.

"Oh quiet you. I bet your grandchildren bother you too," Joker said.

Batman scrunched up his face and grunted.

Catwoman was halfway out the door when Nightwing caught her wrist.

"No way kitty cat," he told her.

Catwoman fought to free her wrist but quickly gave up. "I'm too damn old for this."

Joker hurled his walker in Batman's direction and made a horrible attempt to run for the door. The walker landed a foot from where Joker stood.

"Stop right there!" Batman ordered. He pulled a batarang from his utility and threw it at Joker. It flew too far to the right and clocked Two-Face in the head.

"Ow! What the hell!" he roared.

"Sorry, my aim is all off," Batman apologized.

A fight erupted and eventually the Gotham PD showed up and broke the whole thing up.

"I'm Batman! I don't belong in Shady Pines!" Batman flailed his arms and legs as the GCPD officer pushed him into the police car.

"Sure you are," Joker cackled.

"Quiet you!"


	12. Sex Changes

Sex Changes

Sex Changes

**Author's Note**: So that last chapter was obviously just a random break from the story. Something to clear my head and occupy my hands until Gossip Girl came on. Which gave me a really good idea. wink

Harley walked through the apartment door with shopping bags weighing her down. She smiled at Eddie and threw them onto the couch next to him.

"What the hell is all this?" he asked as he started to pry the shopping bags open.

Harley slapped his hands away. "Nu uh honey, this is for the wedding night."

"All this is lingerie?" he asked in shock.

"No, I got some other fun stuff too," she replied with a sly grin.

Eddie wiggled his eyebrows and pulled Harley onto his lap. "Maybe we should try some of it out," he purred.

Harley pushed herself off him. "No way Jose." She picked up the bags and took them to their bedroom where she hid them in the back of the closet. Harley walked back into the living room while she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She looked at the coffee table where her phone sat. "That's where I left you," she cooed as she picked the phone up.

"Oh, yeah," Eddie sighed. "Joker called."

Harley stopped dead in her tracks on her way to the kitchen. She bit her bottom lip nervously. "Did he? What did he want?" she asked.

"He needs some help picking out an anniversary gift for Selina or something," he replied.

She let out a huge sigh of relief and continued on to the kitchen. "That's all?"

"Yeah." Eddie watched her fumble around the kitchen. It made him suspicious. "What did you think he wanted?"

"With the Joker you never know," she replied calmly.

Eddie nodded. He got up off the couch and made his way to the kitchen. He snaked his arms around Harley's waist and kissed her neck. "I love you."

Harley giggled and turned around in Eddie's arms. "Why so affectionate."

"I just love you, that's all."

"What do you want for your anniversary?" Harley asked as she burst in through the apartment door.

"Hi Selina. How are you today? Me? Oh I'm fine Harley and how are you?" Selina said in mock conversation.

"I have to spend my afternoon shopping for an anniversary present with the Joker for you. My day is going to be an exercise in futility," Harley whined.

"At least Ivy will be there," Selina tried.

"I'm jumping for joy," Harley replied sarcastically. She plopped down onto the couch and dropped her purse onto the floor. She sighed.

"It could be worse."

"How so?"

"You could have fire ants in your pants," Selina offered.

Ivy walked into the room and sneezed on Selina's shoulder. "I'm not going to be able to shop with you and Joker today," she said trying to keep the snot from pouring out her nose.

"Why not?" Harley cried.

"I'm sick. I woke up this morning with the worst cold I've had since I was 12."

Harley groaned and sunk down into the couch.

Joker popped into the room with a huge smile on his face. "Ready to shop till we drop?" Joker asked.

"Is it too late to get those ants?"

"Buck up camper. This is going to be a fun day," Joker said patting Harley on the shoulder.

"Find a gift and let's go," Harley ordered.

"Oh come on. Let's have fun!"

"This is not fun for me!" Harley yelled stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and facing Joker. "This is punishment by the gods for the other night! This is my penance for lying to Eddie, for sleeping with you, and for everything else I have done wrong in my life."

Joker smiled nervously at the people who were staring at them as they walked by. "I think you need to take the volume down a notch. I'm right here."

"No! I won't take it down a notch! Apparently you don't hear me when I'm telling you something so now I'm gonna yell it!"

Joker grabbed her arm and pulled her into the alley next to them. "Will you shut up?"

Harley closed her mouth and folded her arms across her chest.

"Now look, the whole reason I dragged you out today was so we can talk."

"I don't want to talk."

"Even better! Listen!" He sighed. "The other night…"

"The other night didn't happen," she interrupted.

"The other night," he continued, "wasn't just some fluke. We had dinner, we weren't drunk, and yet somehow we ended up sleeping together."

"We didn't sleep together, we had sex," she corrected.

"Regardless, it happened. You still have feelings for me," he said with a smile.

Harley sighed. "You're right. I do still have feelings for you."

Joker stepped closer to her, "Go on."

"Yeah, disgust, contempt, hatred, nausea, and hopefully one day indifference!" she yelled as she poked him in the chest with every word.

"At least it's something," he joked.

Harley screamed and turned to leave.

Joker grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him. "Now where do you think you're going?"

Harley fought against him until she realized it was useless and she gave up.

He smiled down at her and stroked her hair. "You still want me," he whispered in her ear.

"Like a lobotomy," she replied.

Joker laughed. "Maybe you need one."

Harley looked up at him. She gave him a sly grin and kissed him on the lips.

"See, you still want me."

"So, what did he get me?" Selina asked excitedly. She decided to treat Harley to lunch for the trouble she went through earlier that day.

"You'll have to wait and see," Harley replied with a smile.

"No fair!" Selina pouted.

Harley stuck her tongue out and laughed.

"How terrible was it?" she asked.

"It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I mean, I lived through it."

Selina went to say something else but her phone began to vibrate in her pocket. "I wonder who this is." She pulled her phone out. "It's a text message from…" she raised her eyebrow in confusion, "I don't know who it's from. Odd." She flipped the phone open. Her eyes went wide and she dropped her jaw. "Oh my god."

"What?" Harley asked trying to snatch the phone away.

"Nothing," Selina replied pulling the phone away.

"Nothing doesn't warrant that look."

Selina bit her lip.

Harley's phone began to beep. "I have text message too."

Selina snatched the phone from Harley's hand and flipped it open. "You don't need to see this."

"What is going on?" she asked taking the phone back. She laughed and opened the text message. Her smile faded and was replaced with a look of sheer shock and panic. "Oh my god," she cried dropping the phone back onto the table. "What the hell is that?"

"I don't know."

"Who sent it?"

"I don't know the number," Selina admitted looking at the message again. She couldn't believe it.

The message read, "Spotted; Harley Quinn and Joker rekindling their old flame in an alley off Radio Drive. Poor Eddie." And underneath that was a picture of Harley and Joker sharing a kiss in an alley.

Selina closed her phone and smiled sadly at Harley.

"How many people do you think they sent that to?" Harley asked nervously.

"I don't know. Maybe it was just me and you," Selina said hopefully.

"You think?"

She went to reassure her but her phone started to ring. It was Ivy. "Hello sick-y poo."

"Did you get that text message?" Ivy asked.

"You sent that message?" Selina asked.

"What? No! I got it too."

"You got a text with a picture of Harley and Joker kissing?"

"Yeah. Who else do you think got it?"

"Harley did. I don't know about anyone else," Selina replied.

"Well, I…hold on," Ivy said. She pulled the phone away from her ear and turned to Harvey.

Selina couldn't make out what they were saying. She looked at Harley and sighed. "Maybe it was just us three."

"Harvey got it too," Ivy told her.

"Crap. Thanks Ivy. I gotta go." Selina closed her phone. "Okay, so Harvey and Ivy got it."

Harley slammed her head against the table and started to cry. "Why is god punishing me?"

"Okay, let's get out of here and find out who sent this." Selina got up from the table and pulled Harley into the cab with her.

Selina and Harley walked into the Iceberg Lounge and walked over to Joker who was sitting at the bar chatting with Holly.

"Did you send this?" Selina asked shoving her phone in his face.

"How could I take that picture if I'm the one kissing her?" he replied in a hushed voice.

"Ok, that makes since," Selina replied.

"But did you get one too?" Harley asked.

Joker nodded and pointed to Holly.

"You got it too?" Harley cried.

"Me, Alice, Jervis, Oswald, and every waitress here," Holly replied.

"Who is sending this?"

"I don't know for sure but," Holly began.

"But what?" Harley asked.

"Oswald does have a grudge against you and Selina because you went behind his back with that museum job."

"How did he find out?" Selina questioned.

"His friend called him," she replied.

Harley stormed across the bar and pushed Oswald into the wall. "Why would you do this?" she yelled.

"You pushed me!" he argued.

"No! Why would you send this to everyone?"

"Miss Quinn, no matter how mad I was I would never do this. It doesn't just hurt you, it hurts Edward as well," Oswald replied gruffly.

Harley let him go and walked back over to where Selina and Joker were. "It wasn't Ozzie."

"Sorry, I tried," Holly said sadly.

"It's no big."

"There's Alice. I'm going to go see if she knows anything," Selina told them.

"What am I going to do?" Harley asked Joker trying to hold the tears back.

"Maybe he didn't get it," he offered.

"Everyone else did though! He'll find out!"

Joker looked at her. He felt bad but he didn't know what to say. So, he patted her on the shoulder. "Cheer up kiddo. It can't be that bad."

Harley stopped crying. She looked up at Joker and growled. "Not that bad!" She hit him with her purse and stormed off to join Selina and Alice.

"You look pissed off," Alice commented.

"At least I'm not upset anymore," Harley replied.

"Uh oh, here comes Eddie," Selina told them.

Harley started for the bathroom but Eddie saw her before she could open the door.

"What the hell is this?!" he yelled.

"Please, keep your voice down," she whispered.

"NO!" he shouted back. "Why would you do this to me?"

"Eddie I…" Harley tried.

"It's not how it looks Eddie," Joker interrupted.

"Excuse me?"

"I kissed her. She pushed me off right away and slapped me. Nothing really happened and what did was my fault. I'm sorry," Joker explained.

Eddie looked at Harley and smiled a little. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions."

"It's okay," she replied.

"I'll go get us some drinks." Eddie walked over to the bar leaving Harley and Joker alone.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"What?"

"Why did you tell him it was your fault? He would've dumped me and you would've gotten what you wanted."

"It would have been a hollow victory," Joker answered.

"But still, you never do nice things."

"Yeah, well, sex will change you."

"I wonder who sent this text message out," Alice pondered later on that evening as she and Jervis walked home.

"It's the popular topic of conversation this evening, that's for sure," he replied.

"Poor Harley, she's lucky Joker came through for her."

"You don't believe his story?" Jervis asked.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It wouldn't be the first time she lied," Jervis commented.

Alice slipped her fingers through Jervis's. "We haven't really talked in awhile."

"We're talking now," he replied.

"I mean, really talked."

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"I feel like you're mad at me," she told him.

"I'm not."

"Then why the silent treatment?"

"I haven't been giving you the silent treatment," he argued.

"Just like you haven't been avoiding me, you haven't been kissing me, and you haven't been avoiding sex!" she roared.

"I haven't. You're paranoid!"

"Just tell me what the problem is!"

"Alright, the problem is you!" Jervis stomped down the road in the opposite direction.

Alice kicked the sidewalk and beat her fists against the brick building next to her. Life lately just sucked.

"Spotted; Alice and Jervis having a lover's quarrel a couple of blocks from the Iceberg Lounge. It seems their relationship is ending as quickly as it began. Sorry A, maybe you can catch a new guy with your new look."

Selina shook her head and closed her phone. Whoever this tipster was they sure weren't going away any time soon.


	13. Bette Davis Eyes

Bette Davis Eyes

**Author's Random Thought**: I'm watching this show about catacombs but the guy narrating keeps calling them catacooms. I always thought it was pronounced catacomes long o and all that. Have I been pronouncing it wrong or is this guy just an idiot? And for that matter…how do you spell color? I always spelled it like that but now I see colour everywhere. It's a good thing I'm an English Major.

"Ugh! Another text message," Harley whined as she and Selina wandered down Radio Drive together. That morning, Harley woke up and decided she had nothing to wear to the anniversary party that night so she dragged Selina out of bed to go shopping with her.

"Let me guess, it's another news update from the rogue gallery's very own tipster?" Selina asked sarcastically.

"Who else?"

"Alright, I'm curious, who's it about this time?"

"Spotted: Oswald Cobblepot leaving Scarlet's Upper East Side apartment. Are the infamous night club owner and fiery red-headed waitress an item? Or is Miss Scarlet bucking for a raise?" Harley read. "There's a picture of him walking out of the building too."

Selina shook her head. "Did you read the one about Alice last week?"

"Yeah."

"Have you talked to her?" Selina asked.

"She called to say she wasn't coming to the dinner party and then Holly told me she moved in with her. Other than that we haven't spoken. She won't answer her phone," she replied.

"Poor girl."

Harley nodded in agreement and then froze. "Oh crap!" She ducked into a doorway and pulled Selina with her.

"What is it? Is it Joker? Where is he?" Selina asked looking about wildly.

"No, it's much worse," Harley cried.

"What is it?"

Harley took a deep breath. "See that woman across the street at that café? The one with the black hair like Fran Dresher?"

Selina squinted and looked around at the people sipping their lattes on the patio at the café. After a few seconds she spotted the woman in question. "I see her."

"She's my mother," Harley mumbled.

"What's the big deal?" she asked.

"I haven't spoken to my mother since my first stay at Arkham. I tried to call her a couple of times but she never wants to talk."

Selina stepped out from the doorway and started for the café.

"Selina!" Harley hissed but it was no use. Selina was going to the café so Harley quickly left the doorway and followed. "What are you doing?"

"Getting a coffee. You want?" she answered sarcastically.

"We can't! She'll see me!"

"Harley, you haven't been in Arkham for awhile, you dumped the Joker, and you are engaged to a criminal but a nice criminal and she doesn't have to know what he does for a living. I think she would at least say hi and ask how you've been," Selina told her.

Harley stomped her foot and bounced for a second then continued across the street to the café. She walked over toward her mother's table and stopped. "You won't leave me will you?"

"I'll be here the whole time," Selina assured her.

Harley straightened herself up and marched herself to her mother's table. "Nancy?" she asked timidly.

"Yes?" Harley's mom replied looking up. Her jaw dropped and her eyes seemed to bug out of her head. "Harleen?"

"Hi mom."

Nancy looked around the café to see if anyone recognized her daughter other than her and then she looked around again for a member of the police department. "What are you doing here?" she asked finally.

"Saying hi to you," she replied.

"No, I mean what are you doing out of Arkham?" She said the last word so quietly Harley was unsure as to if she said Arkham or arson.

"Um, well, that's a long story. Oh! I almost forgot, this is Selina Kyle, Selina this is my mom Nancy Quinzel," Harley introduced.

"It's actually Nancy Adams," she corrected.

"Nice to meet you," Selina replied.

"Adams?" Harley asked.

"I got married a couple of years ago," she explained.

"Oh. Mind if we have a seat?"

Nancy looked around again and then nodded.

"Thank you Mrs. Adams," Selina said. She felt like a 12 year old meeting her best friend's mom for the first time.

"So, who's this guy you married?" Harley asked.

"His name is Nate Adams and he's a photographer," Nancy told her.

"Harley's actually engaged," Selina blurted out.

Harley nudged Selina in the ribs.

"Are you now? To Jokester?" she asked.

"It's Joker and no," Harley replied.

"Thank god," Nancy muttered.

"His name is Edward Nig…" she began, "Edward Nashton."

Selina raised her eyebrow in suspicion but decided to question it later.

"You'd like him mom, he's a nice guy."

"What does he do for a living?"

"He…well you see he…he's a freelance consultant for big companies. Solves puzzles and all that," she lied.

"Does freelance mean he is in between jobs?" her mother questioned.

"No, not at all. He's his own boss."

"He's even done some work for Wayne Enterprises," Selina added.

"And how did you two meet?"

"Through Selina," Harley replied.

"Really?"

"Yes," Selina continued, "While Eddie was working for Wayne Enterprises I was dating Bruce Wayne and Bruce introduced us. A couple of weeks later we were at a Wayne benefit and I dragged Harley along where I introduced her to Eddie," she explained.

"And you two met where?"

"At a camp," Harley replied.

"Really more of a retreat," Selina added.

"Do you know about Harley's um…problems?"

"Yes I do," Selina answered.

"Well Edward sounds wonderful. I'll have to meet him."

"You really want to meet my fiancée?" Harley asked in disbelief.

"It seems that you've changed your ways. I'd like to be a part of your new life." Nancy pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down her phone number. "I'm not sure if you have my phone number but here it is just in case. Give me a call and me, you, Edward, and Nate will have dinner."

Harley smiled. She couldn't wait to tell Eddie.

Selina and Harley continued their shopping excursion. So far no good.

"I can't believe you can't find one thing to wear tonight," Selina groaned after what felt like the hundredth store.

"Sorry," Harley replied. "Text message!" Harley pulled out her phone and Selina grabbed hers. Sure enough, it was another message from the Rogue Tipster.

"Spotted: Selina and Harley on Radio Drive having coffee with a mystery woman and shopping for, what else? The perfect outfit for the little anniversary dinner they're having tonight. My advice, stay away from lavender Harl, it makes you look chubby," Selina read.

"This is getting downright ridiculous!"

"I know. I can't believe this person," Selina agreed.

"And what's worse is everyone is interested in what they have to say!"

"Gossip is just plain wrong. Everyone should keep to their own business," Selina said.

"I agree. By the way, did you watch Gossip Girl last night?" Harley asked.

"No, Ivy and I were watching the TMZ we recorded earlier," Selina replied.

"Anything of interest?"

"No, not really. Did you catch Extra?"

"Nah, I was reading my People magazine while that was on."

"I can't even imagine Oswald and Scarlet in the throws of passion," Ivy said with a look of revulsion as she, Harley, and Selina prepared the dinner for that night.

"I can't imagine any woman sleeping with Oswald," Selina replied.

"I can't imagine anything with a pulse sleeping with him," Harley added.

"Even fat, annoying, bastards need love," Harvey commented as he stepped into the kitchen and stole a carrot from Selina's cutting board.

Ivy slapped his hand and gave him a threatening gesture with her knife. "What did I say about picking?"

"I'm hungry," he told her.

"It will be ready in an hour or so. I told you to eat lunch earlier."

"I did."

"Well then you can wait for dinner," Ivy replied.

"I'm bored," Harvey whined.

"You have Joker to talk to."

"I don't want to talk to him."

Ivy whipped around and brandished the knife. "I'm warning you, you have five seconds to vacate this kitchen and shut your trap or this will be our last anniversary."

Harvey put his hands up in surrender and returned to the living room where Joker sat on the couch watching cartoons. "What is this crap?"

"It's Chowder," Joker answered.

"Can't we watch real TV?"

"Like what? Desperate Housewives?" he joked.

Harvey rolled his eyes and grunted. He wished Eddie would get his ass in gear and get over there.

"So, I noticed you two were talked about today," Ivy commented as she turned the oven on.

"Oh yeah, we were "Spotted"," Selina answered.

"Who is this mystery woman?" Ivy asked.

"My mom," Harley replied.

"I didn't know your mom lived in Gotham. You've never talked about her," Ivy said.

"She really didn't want anything to do with me for awhile but it looks like we may be able to patch things up. She wants to have dinner with me, Eddie, and her new husband."

"New husband? What happened to your dad?" Ivy asked.

"I was wondering that myself," Selina added.

"He died when I was six," Harley answered like she was telling a bedtime story.

"I'm sorry," Ivy told her.

"It's no big deal. He was in the wrong alley at the wrong time," she explained.

Silence filled the kitchen and it was a bit awkward. Selina couldn't stand it for another second. "My parents died when I was young too."

"Really?" Harley asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad never really got along and one day it got the best of her and she…um…well…you know," Selina explained.

"Sorry to hear that," Harley replied.

"Thanks. My dad followed but he didn't do it himself. The alcohol helped. They weren't much for parents anyway."

"What about you Red? Where are your folks?"

"Victoria and Bernard Isley live in Seattle Washington. My mother is a high school biology teacher and my father is a journalist for a local newspaper there. I call them every Sunday, on holidays, and special occasions."

"Do they know what you do?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"They do."

"And they don't care?" Harley added.

"They were hippies. They're all about radical movements and preserving the environment," Ivy explained.

"Do they know about Harvey?" Selina joked.

Ivy turned a brighter shade of pink. "No, not really."

Harley's jaw dropped. "Red!"

"They know I'm seeing someone and that he's not a normal person but they don't know how serious it is."

"Why haven't you told them?"

"I will. I'm waiting for the right time," Ivy replied.

"When you're married with kids?" Selina asked sarcastically.

Harley nudged Selina in the ribs. "Shh with the kid thing," she whispered.

"It's okay Harley. She doesn't know," Ivy told her.

"Know what?" Selina questioned.

"I can't have children," Ivy answered plainly.

"I'm sorry." Selina felt like an ass.

"It's not a big deal just, don't mention it to Harvey. We haven't brought up kids yet and I don't want him to freak out."

"Deal."

"You are just lying all over the place!" Harley scolded shaking her head.

"I am not lying! I'm just omitting some of the more unpleasant details," Ivy explained.

Harley rolled her eyes.

"A rogue anniversary party?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"It's more like a rogue anniversary dinner," Dick corrected as he changed his shirt for the millionth time. Nothing seemed right for the occasion. "Maybe I should don a purple suit."

"Why are you going?"

"Because Holly wants to and it would be weird if she went alone," he answered.

"Seems crazy," Bruce commented.

"This coming from the guy that was so far down the rabbit hole he had the Joker calling for relationship advice."

"Touché."

"It's not like this is how I want to spend my night. I just want to make Holly happy," Dick told him.

"You really like her huh?"

"She isn't like any girl I've ever dated. I mean, with Barbara I knew everything. I was part of her secrets but with Holly there is so much I don't know about her. It's exciting."

"I'm happy you're happy. Now if we can only get Tim a girlfriend," Bruce said pointing to the lump sitting in Dick's armchair.

"Alice is single," Dick joked.

There was a rude hand gesture from the chair that made Dick laugh. "Alright kid, behave yourself." Dick gave Bruce a smile and made his way for the door.

"Sorry I took so long," Eddie said as he walked through the apartment door with a couple of bags of booze.

"I was wondering what happened to you," Harvey joked as he took of the bags.

"It is such a pain in the ass to get through the liquor store."

Harley bounded from the kitchen and jumped onto Eddie, wrapping her arms and legs around him. "I missed ya!" she cried giving him a big kiss.

Joker shuddered and mumbled to himself about Eddie missing some very important organs.

Eddie smiled, kissed her back, and the lowered her onto the floor. "No Holly yet?" he asked.

"She just called. Her and Dick are stuck in traffic so it'll be awhile. Just as well because dinner still isn't done," Ivy explained from the kitchen.

"She didn't make the entire meal did she?" Eddie whispered in Harley's ear.

Harley giggled and shook her head no.

"Thank god," he replied.

"Harley, have you seen the whisk?" Selina called from the kitchen.

Harley looked in her right hand and sure enough, there it was. "Hold on. Gotta get back to work." She jumped back to the kitchen.

"Look at em, our little housewives making dinner in their little cocktail dresses and stilettos. It's so adorable," Harvey joked.

Ivy hurled a washcloth at his head and he pretended not to notice.

Eddie laughed and peeled the rag off Harvey's head. "It's not a good look for you."

Before Harvey could comment, the downstairs' buzzer went off. "Must be Holly." Harvey started to get up from the couch but Eddie beat him to it.

A second later, Holly and Dick were at the door. "Hey guys," she said cheerfully. "Traffic was a nightmare for some ungodly reason." She threw her arms around Eddie's neck and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

Eddie squeezed her tightly and gave her a quick spin. "Better late than never."

Harley watched the scene from the kitchen. She felt a strange pang in her heart and she had a quick daydream about strangling Holly with her bra strap but she quickly dismissed it. "They're Just friends," she told herself. "Nothing more." But when she saw Eddie's hand ghost over Holly's bottom, Harley crushed her wine glass in her hand.

"So there I am, standing in front of the great Batman with my treasure in one hand and my little smirk on my face, ready to pounce over him and make my escape. I start to move forward and he makes his move for me. I scratch back and that's when I hear it…spandex tearing. And sure enough, I catch my reflection in the mirror and there is a huge split in the back of my costume, and not in the best of places," Selina laughed.

The whole table erupted in a fit of laughter as Selina sipped her wine. At some point, the conversation had turned to what's the most embarrassing thing to happen to you?

"I thought I'd be cocky and do a back flip, boy did I look like an ass when my boob fell out of my costume," Ivy told them.

Dick laughed and thought back to that night. Even if she was the enemy, she was hot.

"Alright Harley, what's your embarrassing moment?" Harvey asked.

"I've never had a wardrobe malfunction per say, but when I was in college I had this little incident. I was running late for class and when I got there the professor had already started his lecture so I ended up disrupting him as I took my seat. I no more sit down and my stomach goes all funky and I realize I have to go to the bathroom and I mean now. I get up and disrupt class again to go and when I get there I don't have to go anymore. Figures right?" She took a quick sip of her wine and continued. "So I Go back to class, once again disrupting the professor. After awhile I get the same sickening feeling in my stomach so I get up again and go to the bathroom. Of course I don't have to go anymore and I would've been damned if I was going back to class so I decided to go home. Halfway there, there's no mistaking it, I have to go. So I start speeding like Joker on the run from GCPD and I told myself if a cop pulls me over I'm screwed. I make it home and I'm telling you, it was a photo finish, I run for the bathroom and on the floor is my wet towel from my shower. I slip on it and smack my head against the bathtub which knocks me out. I wake up a couple of hours later with a splitting headache and sure enough, I shit my pants."

The whole table was laughing so hard Harley was sure they would all be having a similar experience.

"I can't believe you told that story," Eddie said through his laughter.

"If you can't tell your friends, who can you tell?" she joked.

The good times stopped there though. After the laughing died down, everyone's cell phone started to go off to alert them there was a new text. Everyone grabbed their cell phone reluctantly, well, everyone except Dick but he was full aware of what was going on. Harley looked at Eddie, who looked at Holly, who in turn glanced at Harvey, and he nudged Ivy, she gave Selina a look, and Selina looked in Joker's general direction.

"Fine," Joker said as he opened his phone. The smile fell from his face. "Shit."

Harley pulled her pone out and checked the message herself. "Shit is right," she sighed. "Spotted: Jervis Tetch slumming it at the Stacked Deck. Why would such a debonair and sophisticated man be drinking with the mindless slobs at the Stacked Deck? Could it be the blonde beauty on his lap? Sorry Alice, looks like the boy's moved on. I hear Jonathan Crane is single, and he is rather charming. Maybe you should give him a call."

"That sucks," Holly said sadly.

"What do you think she'll do?" Ivy asked.

Holly's phone began to ring before she could answer. "Hello? Alice! Yeah, we did all see it. We're all very sorry honey. Where are you? Ok, I'll be there in a bit. I love you sis. Bye." Holly closed her phone.

While Holly was conversing with her sister, Joker slid his napkin onto Harley's knee. She snatched it up and unfolded it under the table. It read, "After this shin dig, meet me at my place. Please." Harley crumpled it in her hand and went to throw it on the floor but something stopped her. She looked at it again. "Please." He never said please.

"She's sitting at the Iceberg keeping Oswald company. I told her I'd stop by in a bit."

"I'll go with," Dick offered.

"Thanks sweetie."

"We'll all go," Ivy told them.

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty feisty," Selina purred.

"Count me out," Joker replied.

"Why?" Selina cried.

"The boys are restless; they want a job so I'm going to give it to them. Sorry," he lied.

"Taxi!" Ivy yelled as she and Holly flailed their arms to hail, a cab.

"Night kids," Joker called as he walked away from the group.

"Good night, lover!" Selina yelled after him.

Joker shuddered as he made his way down the road.

Ivy and Holly finally got two cabs to stop.

Harley looked down the road at Joker and then at the cabs in front of her.

"Ready honey?" Eddie asked grabbing her hand.

"You know what, I'm kind of tired what with all the shopping today and the party. Plus tomorrow I gotta be up early to shop for my wedding dress and the bridesmaids' dresses. I'm just gonna call it a night," Harley told them.

"Alright then, let's go home," Eddie replied.

"No!" Harley cried.

Eddie cocked his eyebrow.

"I mean, you should go. Have fun. I'll be fine," she explained.

"Okay then. Goodnight."

"Night."

Harley stepped through her front door and kicked off her shoes. When she left her friends she considered going to Joker's. But that thought quickly faded and she decided she wanted to go home after all. She rummaged through her DVDs until she found Gentlemen Prefer Blondes; she popped it into the DVD player, and made her way to the bedroom to throw on her pajamas. She plopped down onto the stool in front of her vanity and pulled her hair out of its bun. She sighed. "What am I doing?" she asked. "I should be at the Iceberg with my friends and my fiancée."

She quickly applied more makeup to her face, pulled her hair back into a messy bun, and changed into her yellow, sleeveless dress, with the black lacey bit at the top. She threw on her black tights underneath and a pair of yellow heels to go with it. Trying to picture it? Think Sienna Miller at the premier of Factory Girl. Harley made her way back to the living room and popped out her DVD. "Sorry Marilyn, not tonight."

Harley hailed a cab in seconds. She slid into the backseat and told the driver, "Iceberg Lounge please."

"Yes ma'am," he replied pulling away from the curb.

Fifteen minutes later, Harley was still in the back of the cab. Traffic really was terrible tonight. She started to play with her ring. This was ridiculous. She looked out the window and realized she was halfway to the Iceberg Lounge and when she looked out the other window she noticed she was halfway to Joker's. She didn't know what came over her, but all of a sudden she was getting out the cab. "Here," she told the driver handing him a wad of money. "Keep the change!" she called as she ran down the street.

As Harley ran, she quickly realized that her outfit was not appropriate for the task at hand. The October air stung her face and arms and her feet were killing her from the heels. She could hear the whispers from the people she passed.

"She's in a hurry!"

"Look at that dress!"

"Where's the fire?"

"Wow! Look at her!"

Harley paid them no attention as she ran. She could feel the welt forming on her side where her purse was striking her repeatedly. She had to stop when she reached a busy intersection. She nearly stumbled from the sudden stop. Harley tried to catch her breath as she checked her watch.

"She's gorgeous," a girl standing behind Harley whispered to her friend.

"I know! She looks really familiar. Where do I know her from?" the other replied.

"Isn't she Bruce Wayne's mystery blonde?"

"She is! She was on the cover of all the papers!" she squealed.

"Isn't she a socialite of some sort?"

"No, I heard she was a model."

"I'd believe it. Look at those legs!"

"She's so chic!"

The traffic stopped and Harley continued running. More people whispered as she passed them. It seemed like the whole world knew she was the girl from the papers.

"It can't be!"

"It is! It's Bruce Wayne's girlfriend!"

"Faye just texted me, she said that the mystery blonde is a super model!"

"I think she was on the cover of the June issue of Vogue."

It started to rain six blocks from Harley's destination. It felt like ice hitting her skin and she shivered a little as she waited for the bus to move out of her way. "Only six blocks," she told herself. As she ran she thought about the situation. If this was a movie, this would be one of the most memorable scenes. It would go down in history along with the famous plane scene in Casablanca and almost any scene in Gone with the Wind. She rounded the corner and had to use the lamp post to keep from falling.

Harley finally reached her destination. Without thinking she burst through the door. He wasn't there. She ran out through the back door and there he was, smoking a cigarette in the rain. He looked classic. Harley paused for only a second before she ran to him. He wrapped his arms around her, letting his cigarette fall to the ground. She threw her arms around his neck, got up on her tip toes, and kissed him, hard, on the mouth. The rain poured down and the wind blew but Harley barely noticed anymore. He pulled her closer to him until there was no space between them. Harley entwined her fingers into his hair. She felt her ring slide against her finger. It bothered her. She pulled it off and slipped it into her purse. It truly was a classic Hollywood movie moment, her foot even popped. No one made Harley's foot pop like Joker.


	14. Hot N Cold

If You Can't Afford Me

**Author's Note: **Did ya like that last chapter? Can you tell I watch too many classic movies? I think every girl needs one of those classic Hollywood moments. Will Ivy and Selina get their Hollywood classic movie moment? Maybe.

"November 29th isn't that far away," Harley commented over breakfast.

"I know," Eddie replied.

"We still haven't figured out how to get a marriage license."

"I'm working on it," he said shortly.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked slightly annoyed by his attitude.

"No, I'm not mad at you I'm just…I'm just stressed out."

"You've been "stressed out" since the anniversary party." At first Harley thought Eddie found out about her and Joker but he never said anything so she quickly dismissed the thought.

"Just all this wedding stuff I guess."

"I didn't force you into marriage," Harley grumbled.

"It's not that!"

Harley got up from the table. "I need to get ready to look for a dress. Be back later." She marched down the hallway, quickly got dressed, and left.

"He's got this bad attitude and he won't tell me why and then he gets all pissy because I ask!" Harley told Ivy and Selina in the bridal shop. It was the millionth one she had been to.

"He's just being a guy. It's getting down to crunch time and he's panicking. He'll be fine," Selina assured her.

"I just hate feeling like I've done something wrong when I haven't," Harley replied.

"Well," Selina said with a smirk.

Harley pushed her. "I'll make your dress a living nightmare. I'm talking pink and puffy."

"I'm quiet as the grave," Selina replied.

"How about this one?" Ivy asked pulling a dress of the rack.

"God no," Harley replied.

"How about this?" Selina held up a white mini dress.

Harley rolled her eyes.

One of the sales people walked over to Harley, a giant smile on her face. "I just got the most exquisite gown in."

Harley smiled. "Really?"

The sales woman pulled the girls into the backroom. "Normally I wouldn't do this but I heard about your wedding dress troubles and I think this will be the one for you." The woman opened the big box and pulled out the most gorgeous dress Harley had ever laid eyes on.

She touched it, softly, almost afraid it would break. "I can't…I mean this…is this what I think it is?"

"It is a replica of the Vivienne Westwood wedding gown in the Sex and The City movie. Now, it is a Vivienne Westwood but it's not exactly the same as the one in the movie but it is very very similar," the saleswoman explained.

Harley stroked the dress again. "I'd love to try it on."

"Not a problem darling," she replied.

Harley followed the woman into a dressing room and quickly pulled the dress on. She practically skipped out to show Ivy and Selina. "It's perfect! I love it!" she squealed.

"It does look amazing," Ivy told her.

"How much?" Harley asked.

"Well…" the saleswoman began.

"Was it a dress or a house?!" Harley cried as she and the girls sat down for lunch. "It figures. I find the perfect gown and I have to take out a loan to buy it!"

"Calm down. I'm sure we'll find another dress you like," Selina replied.

"This whole wedding is turning into a disaster. I still don't even have a marriage license!"

"It isn't a disaster yet," Ivy told her.

"Yet being the operative word," Harley joked.

"We'll find another dress," Ivy comforted.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"So what do you think?" Selina asked giving a little spin in her bridesmaid dress.

"It's purple," Joker replied nonchalantly.

"Yeah, it's my color," she explained. Ivy's dress is green."

"No matching dresses then?"

"Nah, Harley doesn't like the whole matching dress thing."

"Why are you showing me your dress?" he asked as he took a sip of his beer.

"I don't know. Ivy was all excited to go home and show Harvey and it kind of made me want to show off my dress." She smoothed out the front of the long purple gown. It wasn't all that fancy but it was gorgeous. The material was silky and shined in the light. It was a sleeveless halter and pretty much backless except for the lacing that kept the dress on. The bottom was slightly shorter in the front than the back and Selina had gotten sexy black stilettos to go with it. There was a slight bit of altering to be done to it but the saleswoman allowed Selina to take it home anyway. "I like it."

"It does look nice," Joker admitted.

"Anyone ever tell you this place is awfully drab?" Selina asked.

Joker gave her annoyed look. "I like it drab."

Selina laughed. "You could at least get some colored rugs to liven it up."

Joker pushed her and she fell backwards onto the couch.

"Hey! Don't ruin my dress!"

"So, what does the blushing bride's dress look like?" he asked disinterested.

"She didn't get one yet."

"Why not?"

"Well, she found one she really liked but she couldn't afford it," Selina explained.

"Even with all that money she got from pulling that museum job?"

"Yeah, and she still hasn't gotten the marriage license. She's starting to freak out. Luckily she's having the reception at the Iceberg and she found a good church."

"Church?" Joker asked slightly confused.

"You do know what a church is, don't you?"

"I know what a church is. I just didn't think she'd use a church. She always talked about Robinson Park."

"The park? She didn't even mention it."

"She probably grew out of that," Joker replied.

"Was that her dream wedding or something?" Selina asked.

"Yeah, but that was a long time ago."

It was back when Harley was Harleen. Joker had pulled her out for a night on the town to liven up her life. After going dancing they went for a walk in Robinson Park and reached the center where the fountain was. Harley jumped up onto the railing around the fountain and grabbed Joker's shoulders for support.

She squealed as she stumbled forward slightly. "This has been the best night!" she told him.

"Really? Hard to believe."

"It's true," she replied. "It's like the perfect Hollywood moment."

"Hollywood moment?" he asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, the beautiful girl and the handsome man go out for a night on the town. He takes her dancing where everyone watches them because they are such an attractive couple and then he takes her to the park where they walk under the moonlight, and finally they kiss," she explained.

He laughed.

"Don't laugh! It's romantic!" she cried.

"I think it's terribly romantic," he agreed. "So what other Hollywood moments do you have in your head?"

"None I suppose," she replied as she started to walk around the railing, keeping her hand on Joker's shoulder to keep from falling. "I guess my wedding would be a Hollywood moment."

"You have your wedding all planned out?"

"Not really but every little girl dreams about her wedding day," she said.

"Tell me about it."

"I don't want to bore you," she laughed.

"It wouldn't bore me in the least," he replied looking her in the eye.

"Alright, well, I would have it here in the park. Probably over by the water and I would wear Marilyn Monroe's white dress from The Seven Year Itch and the groom would wear a white jacket with his tux, very Casablanca and the reception would be a some swanky jazz club. All very classy, sexy, and retro."

"Sounds lovely," he replied.

"It does sound nice doesn't it?" she said sadly.

Joker pulled her off the fountain railing into his arms and kissed her.

Harley kicked her legs in the air and giggled as he spun her round.

Joker snapped out of his memory and looked at Selina who had taken over his TV. He frowned at her and took the remote back. "My TV."

"Sorry Tarzan."

"It's green," Harvey said plainly.

"It's a pretty green," Ivy replied.

"Why is it green?" he asked.

"Because Harley wanted me and Selina to wear our colors. Her dress is purple," she told him.

"Oh."

"Don't you like it? I think it looks classic."

"It's nice," he replied.

"You don't sound too enthused," she grumbled.

"It's a dress Pammy. They don't thrill me too much. Show me the lingerie underneath," he joked.

Ivy slapped him. She liked the dress. It was a lovely dark green color and made of the same silky material as Selina's. Ivy's too was a halter but her halter strap was thin instead of thick. The back dipped low and had a thick strap towards the top to keep the dress from falling off, the front had a pleated strip across the breast area and hip area, and there was a green and gold broach between the breasts. Ivy bought gold shoes to match the broach. There was a purple one in the store to match but Selina's fun bits didn't quite fit into the dress.

"So, did Harley find a dress?" Harvey asked.

"Yes and no. She found one she liked but there was no way she could buy it," Ivy explained.

"That sucks."

"You found a dress but you can't buy it? That's crappy," Alice said.

"Story of my life," Harley replied as she changed the channel.

Alice plopped down on the couch next to Harley and handed her the popcorn bowl. "Cheer up sweetness. Mythbusters is on."

"I'm not in a Mythbusters mood," Harley sulked.

"Come on, you know Jamie Hyneman makes you happy in the pants," Alice laughed.

Harley hit her with a pillow. "Shut it."

Alice stuffed a handful of popcorn in her face and continued laughing.

"I'm happy you came over. Holly said you were still all mopey about Jervis."

"Yeah, well, his loss," Alice replied.

"And just remember, it is HIS loss."

"And to think, I did all this for him," Alice said pointing to her outfit.

"It looks good though and probably will help you score another man."

"Very true."

Eddie walked through the door with a huge smile on his face. "Guess what I got."

"Personality switch?" Harley asked sarcastically.

"No, funny, but no." He pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Harley.

"It's a blank MARRIAGE LICENSE!!" she squealed jumping up and down on the couch. "Wait…why do you have this?"

"It's our marriage license. Look, you fill out your name and I fill out mine and then we have it notarized and it's all good," he explained.

"How did you get this?" she asked.

"Now, don't get mad," Eddie began.

Harley folded her arms across her chest prepared for the worst.

"I was talking to Harvey about the whole predicament and he mentioned that the mob is rather adept in things of this nature," he continued.

Harley shoved the paper back into his hands and shook her head.

"I paid Thorne a lot for this baby!"

She glared at him.

"It's all legit! I swear. Well, as legit as we can get. I mean in any court it won't hold up because you and I aren't "sane" but it's what we need," he explained.

Harley sighed and looked at Alice. "What's your opinion?"

"It's a license," she replied.

"Alright, I give," she conceded. "Now I just need a dress." She flopped back down onto the couch and stuffed her mouth with popcorn.

"Why would you want to help out Harley and Eddie?" Harvey asked over dinner that night.

"I'm not a monster," Joker replied.

"That's debatable," Selina joked. Her only reply was a piece of broccoli hitting her in the head. "Really mature."

"I thought so," Joker said with a grin.

"Children," Ivy warned.

"Sorry mom," Selina and Joker replied together.

"I swear, the more time you two spend together the more you start to act like siblings," Ivy sighed.

Selina stuck her tongue out at her.

"Anyway, if you wanted to help then why did you tell me to tell Eddie about the mob?" Harvey asked.

"They'd be suspicious if I told them" he replied.

"Smart thinking," Ivy replied.

"So tell me about Harley's dress," Joker told them.

"It's a Vivienne Westwood gown and it looks like the one in the Sex and The City movie," Ivy answered.

"It's like you're speaking Spanish," he replied.

"It's a designer gown and it looks like one in a chick flick," Harvey translated.

"Better."

"Anyway, it's crazy expensive," Selina told him.

"I see," he said.

"Why are you eating dinner here?" Ivy asked.

Joker looked at Selina and smirked. "Wanna field that one kitty cat?"

Selina turned slightly pink. "Well, I accidentally may have lit his kitchen aflame when I tried to make a poptart," she explained.

"How in the hell did you do that?" Harvey asked.

"Um, I put it in the toaster oven and it didn't get warm enough so I cranked up the temperature and it exploded."

"It was an old toaster oven," Joker admitted.

"There's something wrong with you," Ivy told him.

"Spotted: Harvey and Joker walking out of Barnes & Noble together. It seems the duo spent the entire day together. Could they be the underworld's new Harley and Ivy? Wouldn't that be something?" Holly read.

Dick laughed so hard he could barely breathe. "That is too funny."

"There's something wrong with the underworld. It's gone all topsy turvy," she sighed.

"I can see them now, throwing slumber parties, talking about boys," Dick joked.

"Joker does paint his toenails," Holly told him.

"What?"

"It's true, ask Bruce," Holly replied.

Dick cocked his eyebrow and grinned.

Bruce entered the room and was immediately worried when he saw the look on Dick's face. "Hi kids."

"Holly and I were just talking about you," Dick said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, just wondering, what is Joker's preferred nail polish color?"

Bruce turned a prettier shade of pink. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Sure you do."

"Drop it," Bruce warned.

"Come on Bruce, tell the truth," Dick prodded.

"Dick once fell down the stairs at a Wayne benefit and when he reached the bottom his pants were down around his ankles. Guess who goes commando?" Bruce told Holly.

"And now you must die," Dick said calmly.

"That's adorable," Holly laughed.

"She's a keeper," Bruce whispered to Dick. "Don't mess this up."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the confidence."

"You kids have a nice night. I gotta go to work."

"Work? It's a little late to be at the office don't you think?" Holly asked.

"It's some business dinner party thing," Bruce lied. "I like to get there late so I can convince the poor sap to invest while he's drunk."

"Good plan," she laughed.

"Night guys." Bruce gave a little wave as he left the room and made his way to the Batcave.

"He's really nice," Holly said.

"Yeah, he is," Dick replied.

"I don't mean to pry but, you never really talk about him."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything about you two," Holly replied.

"Well, when I was a kid my parents and I were in the circus as an acrobatics act. One day the rope snapped and they died."

"I'm sorry," she told him.

"Thanks. Anyway Bruce took me in and raised me. He's been like a father to me," Dick continued.

"That was really sweet of him."

"It was."

"So, why don't you call him dad or something like that?" Holly asked.

"I don't know, I guess it always felt weird. Tim calls him dad though," he answered.

"Oh yeah, Tim is his adoptive son too. You think he'd like a daughter?" she joked.

Dick pushed her further down on the couch and tickled her. "Not funny!" he cried.

"Stop! Please!" she gasped between laughs.

Dick let up and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You are too cute," she squealed.

Dick leaned down and kissed her.

"Don't mind me guys," Tim said as he entered the room.

Holly pushed Dick off her and sat back up like teenager being caught by her dad. "Hey kiddo."

"What are you guys up to?" he asked.

"Not much now," Dick replied gruffly.

It had been a week since Harley saw the Vivienne Westwood gown she so desperately wanted. A few days after she saw it, she went back to ogle the dress but it was gone and Harley still hadn't found a dress she liked as much or almost as much.

"What if you wore a potato sack?" Alice asked.

"Why would I wear a potato sack?"

"Well, you can't find a dress you like as much as the Vivienne so why not go cheap and wear a potato sack?"

"You are not helpful," Harley replied.

"I never claimed to be," Alice told her.

Harley went to say something but she was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Who the hell?" She got up from the couch and opened the door. "Yeah?"

At the door was a young man in a delivery uniform. "I have a package for a Miss Quinn," he said.

"I'm Miss Quinn," she replied.

"Sign here please. And here you go." He handed her an obnoxiously large box and walked away.

"Who's it from?" Alice asked as Harley sat the box on the coffee table.

"I don't know. The address isn't familiar." Harley ripped the box open. "Tissue paper?"

"There's a note," Alice told her.

Harley opened the piece of paper. "Dear Harley, you deserve to have all your dreams come true. Enjoy. Love, Kittie and Ivy," she read. She looked at Alice.

"You don't think…" she began.

Harley began to rip through the tissue paper with the help of Alice until they reached a white material. "Oh my god!" Harley cried pulling the dress out of the box.

"I can't believe it!" Alice squealed jumping up and down.

"I can't believe they did this." Harley ran to her bedroom and held the Vivienne Westwood wedding gown up in front of her in front of her mirror.

"Yes?" Ivy asked pressing the intercom button.

"Hey Red, it's me! I forgot my key. Can you buzz me up?" Harley asked.

"Sure thing Harl," Ivy replied. She pressed the button and walked back to the kitchen to finish making her sandwich.

Harvey gave Joker a look. "Hey Pammy."

"Yes?"

"If Harley thanks you and Selina for a gift you don't remember buying, go along with it," Harvey told her.

"What did you two do?" she asked.

Selina poked her head out of her room. "I heard my name."

"We bought Harley a gift," Ivy told her.

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure."

Harley knocked on the door and Harvey opened it. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Ivy.

"Hey girl," Ivy gasped.

Selina joined the duo in the kitchen and she was quickly hugged as well.

"I can't believe you guys did that. That dress costed a fortune!"

"Well, you deserve it," Ivy replied.

Harley squealed and hugged her again.

Selina looked over to the couch where Harvey and Joker sat ignoring the scene.

Cut to a week ago when Harvey and Joker were spotted at Barnes & Noble bonding. The two stepped into the bridal shop Selina had told them the dress was at.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" the saleswoman asked. She was slightly taken aback by their appearance but she quickly got over it. She was born in Gotham, nothing shocked her for long.

"The other day my girlfriend and her friends were in here shopping for a wedding dress. The bride was the hyper blonde one who was in love with the Sex and The City dress," Harvey told her.

"Ah yes, I remember them," she replied.

"Yeah, well, do you still have the dress?" Harvey asked.

"I do."

"We'd like to buy it for her," Joker said.

"Are you the groom?" she asked cheerfully.

Joker sighed and fished around his pocket for his cigarette case. "No."

"We're her friends and we want her to have the dress she wants," Harvey explained.

The saleswoman ducked into the back and pulled the dress out. "I haven't even put the dress out for sale yet. I was hoping the young lady would come back." She placed the dress on the counter. "It is a lovely dress."

Joker stroked the dress softly. "Wrap her up and send it to her house."

Harvey snagged a piece of paper from the counter and scrawled out a note and signed it Kittie and Ivy. He placed it in the box on top of the dress.

"You two are really good friends to be doing this," the saleswoman commented.

"Yeah," Joker grumbled throwing a wad of bills onto the counter.

"Your girlfriends must be completely smitten with you."

Joker coughed. "I'm going out for a smoke."

Harvey laughed. "Thank you."

And back to the present.

Harley was still squealing with happiness and hugging Ivy. "I really can't believe you guys would do this for me."

"Really Harl, it was nothing," Selina lied.

Harley's phone began to ring. She pulled it out and checked the caller id. "Oh, it's Eddie. Mind if I use the spare bedroom?"

"Go right ahead," Ivy replied.

Harley bounced down the hallway and closed the door.

"Harvey, I can't believe you," Ivy cried hugging him.

"It wasn't just me," Harvey replied pointing to Joker.

"Joker, I never thought I'd see the day," Selina joked.

"Drop it," he commanded.

"You old softy," Ivy cooed taking a seat next to him, running her hand through his hair, and giving him a pout.

"And we're dropping it," Joker ordered.

Selina plopped down into his lap and gave him a peck on the forehead. "My sweet little baby."

Joker tossed Selina onto the floor and pushed Ivy off him. "You will drop it now!"


	15. I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother

I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother's Heart

I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother's Heart

**Author's Note:** Like Harley's poop her pants story? That's actually a true story! No, it didn't happen to me and believe me, if it did, I'd own up to it cuz it's comedy gold. But it happened to my friend's friend. It was one of those nights where we all sit around telling embarrassing stories and she just whips that one out. Did you honestly think anyone could make that up?

"Why are we having dinner with your mother?" Eddie asked as he fiddled with his tie.

"She's my mother and she wants to meet you," Harley answered from the bathroom.

"I have a feeling this is going to be an awkward night," he sighed.

Harley walked into the bedroom and gave Eddie a glare while she snapped on her silver cuff bracelet.

"Hubba hubba." Eddie gave her a whistle.

"Oh please," she sighed slightly annoyed. Harley stood in front of her mirror and straightened out her tight, shiny, white strapless dress. She gave her a hair a final once over. Her bangs swooped over her eyes and did a slight flip like the rest of her hair. It was like a modern equivalent to Farah Fawcett's Charlie's Angels hair. All she needed was her white strappy stilettos and she'd be ready for the night.

Eddie wrapped his arms around Harley's waist and nuzzled her neck. "Maybe we should have a little alone time before we go to dinner."

"Maybe when we get home," she replied pushing him off.

"What's with you tonight?"

"I'm stressing out about dinner! My mom and I haven't really talked since I was a doctor at Arkham. It's very intimidating," she explained.

"It'll be fine," Eddie assured her.

"Just remember the story and stick to it."

"I know. I'm some business consultant and you and I met through Selina at a Wayne Benefit," he recited.

"Good." Harley took one last look to make sure everything was perfect. She thought about how odd this was. Years ago her dream was to introduce her mother to her fiancée who was a fancy business man that made lots of money. Now she had it…well…almost. "Let's kick it."

Harley and Eddie were the first to arrive at the restaurant, which made Harley even more nervous than she already was. The host seated them and told them he would show the rest of their party to the table when they arrived. While they were waiting, Harley ordered a bottle of wine and immediately downed two glasses to calm her nerves.

"Is your mother a foreign dignitary or a hit man for the mob?" Eddie asked.

"No," Harley replied a little more than confused.

"Then why are you so nervous? I mean, you've lived with the Joker, tangled with the Bat, and your best friend is the goddess of everything green. Your mother should be a walk in the park," he explained.

"You never met my mother."

"How bad can she be?"

"You ever seen The Nanny?" she asked.

"Sure."

"Imagine Sylvia Fine in Fran Fine's body," Harley told him.

"She's a nutty Jewish lady hell bent on you getting married?"

"Bingo! And she already hates you because you're not Jewish," she joked.

"Now Harleen, I'm not that judgmental," Nancy cooed as she and her husband, Nate, approached the table.

"Mom!" Harley cried wrapping her arms around her mother.

"Harleen this is Nate, Nate my daughter Harleen," Nancy introduced.

"Pleasure to meet you. And this is my fiancé Edward Nashton. Eddie, my mom Nancy and her husband Nate."

"It's wonderful to meet you both," Eddie said shaking Nate's hand and giving Nancy a slight hug.

"Oh! I see you already ordered some wine," Nancy commented as they all took their seats.

Harley smiled and gave Eddie a look that said, don't you dare say anything.

Selina walked through Robinson Park alone. She had been so excited when Ivy told her she'd have the apartment to herself. Selina watched TV for an hour when claustrophobia sat in and she had to get out. She walked by a park bench with a familiar figure sulking on it. Selina stopped, walked backwards to the bench, and faced the young man sitting on it. "Tim? What are you doing sitting a park bench alone in the night?" Selina asked.

"Nothing," he mumbled.

Selina sighed and took a seat next to him. "You shouldn't be out here. Does Bruce know where you are?"

"I don't know."

"What did you two fight about?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Are nothing and I don't know the only things you can say?"

"I don't know," he replied.

"Come on…you can tell me what's going on."

"I got grounded because my grades slipped. He said I can't be Robin if I can't do school too."

"That just sounds like the tip of the iceberg," she pressed.

"I'm just tired of him always telling me what to do," he explained.

"He's your dad, he's supposed to tell you what to do."

"You never let him tell you what to do."

"I'm not his kid. I was his girlfriend," she told him.

Tim crossed his arms and pouted.

"You'll have to go home sometime and I'm guessing he'll be pissed when he finds out you were gone."

"Who says I have to go home?" he asked.

"You can't live in the park. Even Ivy couldn't do it for too long," she joked.

"I'll figure it out."

"Normally I'm all for being against dear old Brucie, but in this case I gotta admit, this is just typical teenage rebellion. I had it, Bruce had it, Dick is still having it…"

"Bruce never rode Dick like he does me."

"Oh he rode his ass plenty. Granted, he rides you a little more but that's because there's a big difference between you and Dick."

"Yeah? And what's that?" Tim asked.

"Jason Todd," Selina answered.

Tim didn't say anything.

"Bruce never thought he'd lose Jason and when he did it hurt. He's a typical dad, petrified it'll happen again."

"I'm still not going home."

"Alright, how about you come back to my place and we can watch some TV and chow down on Ivy's ice cream," she suggested.

"Ok."

"Wayne residence," Alfred greeted rather quickly when he picked up the phone.

"Alfred, its Selina."

"Miss Kyle, I hate to be rude but I can't quite talk right now."

"Looking for Tim?" Selina asked.

"Why yes…actually."

"He's fine. I have him. Tell Bruce he can pick him up tomorrow."

Alfred sighed in relief. "Thank you Miss Kyle."

"Oh and Alfred…"

"Yes Miss Kyle?"

"Stop calling me Miss Kyle. It's Selina," she laughed.

"Of course Miss…Selina," he replied.

"Goodbye Alfred." Selina hung up the phone and turned to Tim who shared Joker's love for Chowder. "I don't get this show."

"It's a good show," he replied.

"What is that purple thing anyway?"

"Chowder? He's a cat, bunny, bear, thing," he answered.

"See…that's why I don't get this show."

"Stop your complaining. The movie wasn't that bad," Ivy said as she and Harvey stepped into the apartment. Ivy spotted Tim on the couch. "Oh my god, Harvey, I think Selina kidnapped a child."

"Shut up. This is Tim. Tim, Ivy and Harvey," she said giving Tim a little wink.

"Tim huh? Have we met?" Harvey asked.

"Umm…" Tim fumbled.

"He's Bruce's son. You probably saw him in the papers or something," Selina jumped in.

"That's probably it," Harvey replied.

"Why are you two home so early?" Selina asked.

"We had to stop so Pammy could change her outfit. God forbid she'd wear the dress she wore to dinner to the Iceberg," Harvey grumbled.

"Shut up," Ivy told him.

"I mean, the world would end," Harvey continued.

Ivy started for the bedroom and flipped Harvey off as she went.

"There's a kid here!" Harvey yelled after her.

"I'm not a kid," Tim muttered.

"There's a young man here!" Harvey corrected giving Tim a smile.

"What's going on at the Iceberg tonight?" Selina asked.

"Holly's working, Eddie and Harley are going up there after they're done with her parents, and I guess Alice is going up there after her date."

"Joker dragging his white ass up there?"

"Hell if I know. He's your boyfriend," Harvey grumbled.

Tim chuckled.

"You better be laughing at your cartoon," Selina warned.

"Cartoon? I thought you weren't a kid?"

"I'm not! Chowder is enjoyed by adults and children alike," Tim told him.

"Chowder?! Shit Selina, you should drop him off at Joker's and go to the Iceberg with us," Harvey joked.

"I don't get the joke," Tim admitted.

"Joker is obsessed with this cartoon," Selina explained.

"Alright, I'm ready," Ivy announced grabbing her purse off the couch.

"Is that my outfit?" Selina asked eyeing the white sleeveless vest like shirt, black pants, and black knee high boots.

"Maybe," Ivy replied.

Selina shook her head.

"You should get up off your butt and come out with us," Ivy told her.

"I'm not leaving Tim here by himself."

"Take him too."

"I'm not taking Tim to a bar!"

"Technically it's a lounge," Tim said.

"Oswald is not going to like someone under the age of 21 walking around his bar."

"He won't give a damn. He probably won't even notice and you know Holly isn't going to say anything," Ivy argued.

The truth was, Selina knew Oswald wouldn't care if Tim came as long as he wasn't drinking. Selina was more worried about subjecting Tim to the rogue's gallery. Sure he could face them when he was Robin but this was a whole new playing field. "I really don't know. If Bruce found out, I'd be in big trouble."

"Please Selina," Tim begged.

Selina looked at Tim and he gave her the puppy dog pout. She then looked at Harvey and Ivy who adopted the same look. She sighed in defeat. "Fine! Let me go put something on." She got up, walked to her room, and grabbed the first dress she found, her little black one with the thick black straps. She strapped on a pair of heels and went back to the living room. "Well, let's go kids."

"Hey kids, what'll it be?" Holly asked when Harvey, Ivy, Selina, and Tim approached the bar.

"Beer for me and Pammy's usual," Harvey replied.

"I'll take a beer too and a coke," Selina added.

"A coke?" Holly asked and that's when she noticed Tim. "What are you doing here kid?"

"I'm not a kid, and I'm here with Selina," he answered.

"You're a kid compared to me sweetie," she replied.

"Harley bounced in yet?" Selina asked.

"Nah, not yet. Eddie said he'd give me a shout out when he was on the way," Holly replied.

"Speaking of a shout, my phone is vibrating," Harvey said. He pulled out his phone and groaned. "Shit, it's another tipster update."

Everyone else pulled out their phones too.

"Who's reading it?" Ivy asked.

Selina handed her phone to Tim. "Here, make yourself useful."

Tim flipped open the phone and read the text to himself first and then aloud. "Spotted: Little Alice over on 83rd having dinner with her guitarist at the cutest little outdoor bistro. Seems like Little A has moved on which is for the best since Jervis and his mystery woman were once again spotted at The Stacked Deck."

"Fun fun," Holly sighed.

"You know, Dick has been telling me about this tipster and I was thinking, what if it's not um…one of you but one of the waitresses. Dick said all the waitresses get em and it would be kind of hard to get all their phone numbers," Tim said.

"But how would they get our numbers?" Ivy asked.

"Oswald. He's the only thing in common with the waitresses and you guys," Tim answered.

"He wouldn't just give out our numbers to the waitresses," Selina replied.

"Not knowingly, no. Think, which waitress would be able to get to his phone?" Tim asked.

That's when it hit Selina. "Scarlet."

"Scarlet? Really?" Holly asked.

"Why else would she and Oswald be seeing each other? It's probably been going on for awhile and then to make sure no one thought it was her, she wrote about herself," Selina explained.

"Good theory but it doesn't work," Harley said as she and Eddie walked up to the bar.

"Hey! You were supposed to call me," Holly whined.

"Sorry, I forgot," Eddie admitted.

"Why doesn't the theory work?" Selina asked.

"Look at Scarlet. Oswald's been avoiding her like the plague since the story broke and she can barley focus on anything. She's always giving him the sad eyes and sighing. Believe it or not, the girl is in love with him. Or at least in like," Harley explained.

"In love? With the Penguin?" Tim asked in disbelief.

"Don't argue with her. Harley can read people like you wouldn't believe," Selina told him.

"Who's the kid?" Harley asked.

"I'm not a kid!" Tim groaned.

"This is Tim. He's Bruce's son. I found him in the park and took him home," Selina replied.

"Cool. I'm Harley. This is Eddie."

"Nice to meet you."

"What's it gonna be tonight Harl?" Holly asked.

"Diet Coke and vodka for me, beer for him," she answered.

"Isn't Bruce going to be mad that you have his son in a bar?" Eddie asked.

"We're not going to tell him," Selina replied.

"Kind of hard to do when he's walking in the door," Eddie said.

"Oh shit," Selina cursed.

Sure enough, there was Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson walking into the Iceberg Lounge.

"Don't they ever patrol anymore?" Selina hissed in Tim's ear.

"They still have an hour before they go out," he replied.

Selina grabbed Tim by the arm. "We gotta go."

It was no use. Dick spotted Holly at the bar so he and Bruce were walking Selina's way. She decided to just brace herself for the explosion to come.

"Hey Holl," Dick called. "Guys," Dick greeted the rest of them.

Selina pushed Tim onto a bar stool and stood in front of him in hopes that Bruce wouldn't notice.

"Hello," Bruce said giving everyone a slight wave.

They all said their hellos and exchanged their pleasantries while Selina looked around desperately for a way out.

"What's wrong with you?" Dick asked noticing Selina's odd behavior.

"Nothing," she replied.

"You're acting funny," Bruce added.

"Am I?"

"A little," he continued.

Selina went to say something else but she backed up too far and knocked Tim off his bar stool. Luckily it wasn't too far of a fall.

"Tim?!" Bruce growled.

"Damn it to hell," Selina mumbled.

"What are you doing here? What is he doing here?!"

"I found him in the park. I told Alfred I'd watch him until tomorrow," Selina replied.

"Your idea of watching him is taking him to a bar?" he yelled.

"We should back up," Harley whispered to the group, they all agreed.

"He's fine! It's not like I'm letting him drink," Selina hissed.

"Not yet."

"I wouldn't dream of it!"

"This is really irresponsible of you," Bruce fired back.

"He's safe! I wasn't letting him drink and I was watching him."

"You should have taken him home when you found him."

"He didn't want to go home and gee…I wonder why!" Selina realized that was a bit below the belt but it was too late to do anything now.

"I know. I'm the bad guy. I was acting like the dad and punishing my kid. If you had your way he'd be skipping school all together to come hang out with his friends at the Iceberg Lounge!"

"My way? I'm not his mother!" Selina yelled and once again, the second the words left her lips she realized it wasn't the right thing to say. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Tim make a break for the bathroom. "Oh no. Tim!" she cried running after him with Bruce on her heels.

"Could've fooled me, I thought Selina was me and Tim's mom," Dick joked.

Tim ran into the men's room and Selina stopped outside the door.

"Tim!" she yelled through the door.

"He isn't going to answer," Bruce told her.

"Course not, he's YOUR son. Both your boys are just like you," she grumbled.

Bruce opened the men's room door.

"Where are you going?" Selina asked.

"To talk to my son," Bruce replied.

"And make me out to be the bad guy? Hell no! I'm coming too." They both walked in and immediately found Tim locked in the farthest stall.

"Go away," he growled.

"Tim, come on. Let's go home and talk," Bruce said.

"No."

"Tim," Selina tried.

"Go away," he replied.

"I know how that must've sounded, like I didn't want anything to do with you. Like I was taking pity on you or something."

"Using me to get at Bruce."

"Yeah, or that," she continued. "But I didn't mean it like that. Bruce just gets me so frustrated and angry I say things I don't mean."

The room was silent. Selina slid onto the floor in front in the stall and Bruce followed.

"I know that when Bruce and I were dating it must've felt like I was some kind of mom stand in. I was always around, I played video games with you, we watched TV together, and we even worked out together. I wanted you to like me."

"I did like you."

"Now, I'm not your mother in any way, shape, or form now but I want to still be there. I want you to feel like you can call me or talk to me when you need to. When I dated Bruce I didn't just get a boyfriend, I got a family and I liked that."

"Then why are you two still broken up?" Tim asked.

"At first I was mad at him for cheating on me, and then he stopped calling me and I got mad because I realized I forgave him but now he had no interest. So now when I see him I try to be all I'm fine without you but I quickly screw it up and yell because I still love him," she admitted.

Tim opened the bathroom stall and looked down at Bruce and Selina. Their fingers were intertwined with each other's and they seemed to not even notice. They both looked tired and slightly upset, like real parents.

Selina, Bruce, Tim, and Dick all stood outside the Iceberg Lounge saying their goodbyes. Selina gave Tim a big hug and then Dick demanded one too.

"You're such a dork," she told him.

"Yeah, but you love it," he joked.

Dick and Tim got into the car leaving Bruce and Selina on the curb.

"Can I call you?" Bruce asked looking at his shoes.

"I'd like that," Selina replied.

"Great."

They stared at each other nervously. Unsure as to what they should do now.

"Just kiss her," Dick yelled out the car window.

So that's what Bruce did.

Joker flipped open his phone in disgust. When he found out who this tipster was, he was going to teach them a lesson. "Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne together again!" it read and below it was a picture of Bruce and Selina sharing a kiss on the side of the road. "Well damn! I think I've been dumped!"


	16. Pretty With A Pistol

Pretty With A Pistol

Pretty With A Pistol

**Author's Note:** I wouldn't have all this written and posted if it hadn't been for one man…crazy old guy outside my bank. This random old man came up to me and gave me a ten dollar bill. He said it was because he liked to see pretty girls look extra pretty on gloomy days. I wasn't going to argue with free money. I took it and bought my writing supplies, a pack of Twizzler Pull & Peels, a couple of Cherry Cokes, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's for break times. Thank you crazy old guy.

"You ordered the flowers right?" Harley asked Ivy.

"Yes."

"And you ordered the cake?"

"Yes Harl," Selina replied.

"I can't believe it. In two weeks I will be getting married and everything is done. This can't be happening!" she cried in excitement.

"Well…not everything," Ivy said.

"What did I miss?" she asked.

"Bachelorette party!" Selina answered.

"Oh…I don't know," Harley sighed.

"You have to have a party. Eddie is having one," Ivy replied.

"Eddie isn't having a bachelor party, he's having a poker game."

"Either way, they'll drink, Eddie will have something stupid done to him, and eventually there will be a stripper," Selina explained.

Harley rolled her eyes. "Alright. But you two have to plan it. I just planned a wedding, I'm pooped."

"Deal," they agreed.

"So I've been thinking," Harley started.

"Bout?" Selina asked.

"About being tied down, and I've decided that these last two weeks I'm gonna live it up. Celebrate my last two weeks of being free."

"So what are you going to do?"

"The correct question is, what are we going to do?" she corrected.

"Then what are we going to do?" Selina asked.

"We are going to hit up the town. Forget the Iceberg. We're going to hit all the hottest clubs and just have a regular girls' night out."

"I like the sound of that," Ivy cooed.

"Yay!" Harley cheered.

"I don't like this," Bruce sighed through the phone.

"It's just a girls' night out," Selina replied. She didn't know why she bothered calling him. She knew he'd just whine and complain about everything.

"Still, you're going to end up getting into trouble."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she joked.

"I was hoping you and I could get together tonight."

"We can, after I go out with the girls."

"When you're too drunk to walk?" he laughed.

"Is that a shot at me?"

"No. Never."

"I'm sensing sarcasm," she replied.

"That could be."

Selina stuck her tongue out at her phone and continued putting on her makeup.

"Don't stick your tongue out at me missy."

"How do you know what I'm doing?" she asked.

"I'm the world's greatest detective," he answered.

"Fair enough."

"We've only been seeing each other again for a month and you already need a girls' night out. I feel bad about myself," Bruce said in a fake hurt tone.

"It's nothing to do with you. Ivy and Harvey are always together now a days and Harley has been so busy with wedding stuff I haven't really hung out with her. They both finally got a night without men and we're taking it," Selina explained.

"Still…"

"I'll make it up to you."

"How?" he asked.

"Want to go to Eddie's bachelor party?" she laughed.

"I'm already going to the wedding, don't subject me to the bachelor party too," he pleaded.

"Fair enough. I have to go. I'm running late as it is."

"Fine. Call me later and be careful."

"You too. Bye." Selina hung up the phone and quickly rummaged through her closet for something to wear. She grabbed her favorite pair of black pants and her leopard print halter. "Harley's not going to get this tonight," she told herself. As she slid her top on, she noticed it was snowing outside. "Crap." She grabbed a black shrug from her closet too and slipped it on over her halter.

"You almost ready?" Ivy called through the door.

"Hold on. Just let me slide on my boots." Selina dug through her closet for her boots but she couldn't find them. She walked out of her room and searched the living room.

"Are you ready?" Ivy asked.

"I can't find my boots," she replied.

Ivy quickly ducked into her room and came out carrying Selina's boots.

"You need to stop with my boots," Selina warned. "Where's Harley?"

"She's on her way."

"Then why are you harassing me about being ready?" Selina whined.

Ivy rolled her eyes.

"Is that what you're wearing Pammy?" Harvey asked gesturing toward her tight, black and pink, spaghetti strapped dress.

"No. I'm going to change when Harley get's here," she replied sarcastically. "What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing, it's just snowing outside," he answered.

"I'll take a coat."

"Why not wear a sweater and jeans?" he asked.

"I'm not going to dress like a nun to go out."

"I'm not saying that…I'm just saying you should cover up a bit more," he replied.

Selina took a seat on the couch. This wasn't going to end well.

Harley walked into the apartment and she could feel the tension in the air.

"Sorry Harl, it'll be a second. I have to change my outfit so I don't attract anyone while we're out!" Ivy yelled.

"I'm not saying that damn it!" Harvey fired back.

Ivy marched down the hallway cursing at Harvey under her breath while he followed.

"You look cute," Selina said choosing to ignore the fight happening in the other room.

"Thanks. It was a little nippy out so I decided jeans were a good idea."

"Are those my purple heels?" Selina asked grabbing Harley's foot.

"Yeah," she replied.

"Why does everyone steal my shoes?"

"They're so cute."

"I'm guessing that's my black jacket too."

"Good guess."

"Is the shirt your's or did you steal that from someone too?" Selina asked.

"It's mine. Isn't it pretty?" Harley opened the jacket more so Selina could see the low cut purple top.

"It's adorable," she replied.

"Master Harvey said I can wear this so I guess I'm ready now," Ivy said as she walked back into the living room.

"Damn it woman," he grumbled after her.  
"Do I have a curfew too master?" Ivy asked sarcastically.

"Just shut it," he replied.

Ivy grabbed her coat off the couch and walked out the door with Harley and Selina close behind her.

"He pisses me off," she grumbled as she hailed a cab.

"I don't think he meant anything by it," Selina tried.

"Are you on his side?" Ivy asked with death in her eyes.

"He's a bastard coated bastard with bastard filling," Selina said quickly.

They all got into the cab and sat quietly. Selina had always respected Ivy but never before had she been afraid of her.

"Pull over!" Ivy yelled suddenly.

The driver did as he was told and when he stopped the car Ivy jumped out.

"What are you doing?" Harley asked.

"Stay there. I'll be right back," she ordered.

Harley and Selina did as they were told and waited in the cab for Ivy to emerge.

Twenty minutes later, she did, wearing a pair of black vinyl pants and a white off the shoulders, long sleeved, half shirt. She sauntered back to the cab and got in. "Let's see what Harvey has to say to this."

Selina looked at Harley who only shrugged. Once Ivy sat her mind to something, there was no stopping her. It was always best to just go with the flow.

"So, are you seeing anyone?" a half drunken man at the bar asked Ivy as he bought her another drink.

"No one special," she replied. She had no intention of seeing this man again but for one night she wanted to forget about Harvey and pretend she was someone else. She decided on being Summer Daniels, a single girl who just moved to the big city from a small town in Georgia.

Selina had been keeping a close eye on Ivy from the moment they walked into the club. The last thing she wanted was to explain to Harvey that his girlfriend had been abducted by drunken morons.

"Having fun?" Harley asked as she bounced back from the dance floor.

"Loads."

"Let's dance," she said taking Selina's hand and making a move for Ivy. "Come on Summer, we're dancing."

Ivy jumped off her bar stool and followed Harley to the dance floor. "This place is awesome!" she yelled over the music.

"Awesome? How many drinks have you had?" Selina asked.

Ivy laughed and twirled to the music. Obviously, she had had one too many.

"Maybe we should go get something to eat," Selina told Harley.

"Come on Kittie, loosen up and have fun!" Ivy ordered.

"I can't have fun if I got to baby-sit you all night."

"Party pooper!"

Selina rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I got to pee, can you watch Summer?" she asked Harley.

"Go for it."

Selina made her way to the bathroom in hopes it would be a lot quieter than the rest of the club. She locked herself in one of the stalls and quickly dialed Bruce.

"Bored already?" he asked.

"No. Ivy's drunk and she's trying to prove something to someone. Her and Harley are out on the dance floor but I don't think I can handle the situation anymore."

"Need me to come get you?"

"In the Batmobile or the town car?" she joked.

"Seriously."

"We're fine I guess but if things get any worse I'll call you back."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye." She put her phone back in her pocket and left the bathroom. She walked to the edge of the dance floor and looked for Ivy and Harley. They were near the center doing some rather interesting dance moves that had all the men in the club drooling.

Harley jumped up and waved Selina to join them on the dance floor. Selina shook her head. "Come on Selina!" Harley yelled.

She gave in. She joined the girls on the floor and bumped and grinded with them like they were college. Then they moved the party back to the bar where Selina may have had a couple more drinks than she should have.

By the end of the night, the girls had been to six clubs and could barely walk. Somewhere around club 4, Selina had lost a shoe, Harley had a bra full of phone numbers, and Ivy had forgotten why she was mad at Harvey in the first place.

Selina and Ivy tip toed through the door and by tip toed I mean Ivy opened the apartment door and slid to the floor while Selina giggled like mad and saying shhh. Ivy pulled herself up but only for a second and then she crashed onto the couch with Selina close behind.

"I think…I think…hic…I think I'm drunk," Ivy laughed.

"Me too," Selina agreed.

"I have to make it to the bedroom," Ivy said pointing to the hallway.

"You're going to have to make camp here and continue tomorrow."

"It is tomorrow!"

Selina started snickering and then she fell off the couch. "Help me!"

Ivy pulled Selina up off the floor and the two held onto each other as they made their way over to the hallway. Ivy leaned up against her bedroom door and watched Selina totter to her room. After Selina closed the door Ivy opened hers and stumbled into the room.

"Hey sexy, wake up," she cooed into Harvey's ear.

Harvey opened one eye and looked at her. "You just getting home?"

"Yeah," she replied crawling on top of him and kissing his neck.

"What are you doing? And what are you wearing?" he asked pulling her away for a second.

"I'm trying to be nice to my wonderful, sexy, man."

"Pammy," he laughed.

"Call me Summer," she replied falling onto him.

"You are so drunk."

Ivy tried to pull her shirt off but it wasn't happening without assistance. Harvey got it the rest of the way off for her but when it came time to take off her pants, she rolled off him and quickly fell asleep.

Harvey looked at her. She was snoring a little. He pulled the blankets out from under her and wrapped them around her. "Night beautiful."

Selina practically fell into her room. "Not good," she told herself as she gripped her dresser. She flopped down on to her bed and quickly slid off to the floor. She pulled herself up and crawled to the center of the bed and tried to get her phone out of her pocket. Her pants were so tight that she couldn't wedge her phone out so she did the only thing she could think of, she took her pants off and then pulled out her phone.

She couldn't really read the names in her phone book so she tried to remember who everyone was on her speed dials. She hit eight and hoped for the best.

"Hello?" a very tired and slightly confused Joker answered.

"Hey hot stuff," Selina purred or rather slurred.

"Selina?"

"Uh huh."

"Do you have nay idea what time it is?"

"Nope but I know its tomorrow," she replied.

"Its 4:07 am," he told her.

"Wow it's late or is it early?"

"You're drunk aren't you?"

"Hey! Joker!"

"Yes?"

"I'm gonna grab some beers and come over. I just need to find my pants. Oh no! I can't find my pants!" she cried. "I must have left them in the club. I lost my shoe in the club but the other clubs didn't care. I left my other shoe in the cab," she explained as she hung off her bed looking for her pants. "They were my boots. Ha, boot. That's a funny word. Boooooot. Say it. Booooot."

"That's nice Selina but it's 4 in the morning and you've obviously had enough so why don't you call it a night," Joker said.

"I found my pants! They're on the floor! I should come over."

"No. No you shouldn't," he replied.

"Hey! Let's go to Vegas and gamble."

"No, you should get some sleep."

"Are you in the next room?" she asked.

"No, I'm at home!" he whined.

"I think I gotta puke."

"Then go to the bathroom and do it."

"I'm afraid to get up. I'm gonna barf," she groaned.

"Well, I don't know. Slowly go to the bathroom."

"I have the hic ups," she laughed.

Joker shook his head. This conversation was impossible.

"Hey! I should grab some beers and come over. I just gotta find my pants. Oh no! I lost my pants!"

Joker sighed and looked at the clock. He may be a night owl but this was ridiculous. "They're on the floor Selina."

"Coolio! You're psychic!"

He shook his head and dug the heel of his palm into his eye. "Selina I…wait."

Selina heard him cursing to himself and then a large thump.

"I have to go. Someone is at my door."

"Oh! Is it me?" she asked.

"You better hope not," he growled.

"It's a little early late for someone to be at your door."

"Hence my annoyance. Get some sleep."

"Ok. Love yoooou," she slurred.

"Yeah, ok." Joker snapped his phone closed and opened his door. "Who are you and what do you want?" he grumbled as he opened the door.

Harley stood on his doorstep with half her jacket hanging off her shoulder and her hair in her face. "Hey Puddin' pop," she said as she gripped the door frame for support.

Joker looked up at the sky and shook his fist.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea. You look rather, um…how should I put this? Wasted."

"I'm not!" she argued taking a step toward him and falling into his chest.

Joker grabbed her and pulled her into the house. "Why am I Mr. Popular tonight?" he asked no one in particular. He sat Harley down on the couch and took the seat next to her.

Harley crawled into his lap and started to kiss him.

He could definitely taste beer, some vodka, possible an appletini, and what was that? Oh god, a slight trace of bile. Joker pushed her off him. "You are very drunk."

"You're so hot in your boxers," she giggled crawling toward him again.

Joker got up off the couch. He couldn't believe this was happening. He had the girl he wanted right there willing to do anything with him and he was pushing her away. He couldn't believe it, he had a conscience after all. Damn.

"What's the matter Puddin'?" she asked.

"Hard to believe, I can't do this. Not while you're drunk." He walked over to his coat rack and grabbed his purple trench coat. He wrapped it around Harley's shoulders and pulled her up from the couch. "I'm going to take you home."

"No!" she cried. "I don't wanna go there! I wanna stay her!"

"Harley," Joker sighed.

Her face quickly went from pout to nauseous and she made a break for the bathroom leaving the coat on the floor.

Joker stared after her. He could only imagine the fun Ivy and Selina were having with one toilet. He walked into the bathroom and found Harley sitting on the floor resting against the wall. "Feel better?"

"Not really," she replied.

"Alright, forget home. Let's get you some warm clothes and into bed."

"Can clothes be optional?" she joked and he picked her up off the floor.

"Tell you what. Tomorrow if you still feel the same way, then by all means we will."

"Deal." She smiled at him but the smile faded and she started to wiggle out of his arms. She ducked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Joker heard her heave and thought it best to bring her clothes and some blankets and camp out in the bathroom for the night.

"The cold floor feels so good," she sighed.

"Yes, and you've said that a few times now," he replied as he slipped her arm into one of his button up shirts.

Harley yawned and curled up into a little ball on the floor. Joker lay down beside her. He wanted to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit throughout the night.

"I love you," she whispered.

Joker sighed. He knew in the morning that would all change.


	17. But It's Better If You Do

But It's Better If You Do

But It's Better If You Do

**Author's Note**: That last chapter…based off real events. Now, me and my friends don't go out and get trashed and lose shoes all the time but I definitely picked a few good nights and tied them together to get the girls' night out. Just a little fun fact.

"So, you never told us what happened to you after our girls' night out," Ivy said as she, Harley, and Selina set up the apartment for the Bachelorette party.

"Nothing happened," Harley replied innocently.

"Nothing? You called us the next day and said if anyone asked you had spent the night. So either you slept in the park or you went to you-know-who's," Selina pressed.

"Alright! I went to you-know-who's but nothing happened except I puked in his bathroom and fell asleep on the floor," Harley explained.

"Oh Harl," Ivy sighed.

"Look, tomorrow I'm getting married and he will be completely in the past."

"Can you believe that tomorrow is the day?" Selina asked.

"I can, because the knots in my stomach are killing me slowly," Harley joked.

"Pretend I'm not here. I'll be gone in a second," Harvey said as he ducked behind his newspaper and made a break for the door.

Ivy rolled her eyes. "He's such a dork."

Harvey quickly walked over to Ivy and kissed her. "But I'm your dork."

"Oh, just go!" she laughed.

Harvey opened the door and found a surprised Bruce Wayne, just about to knock. "Hey Bruce."

"Hi, Harvey," he replied stepping into the apartment.

"What are you doing here?" Selina asked excitedly giving Bruce a kiss.

"Dropping this off," he said handing Selina a pack of wine coolers.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"Just supplying more drinks for the party."

"I'm done drinking," Harley groaned.

"She still hasn't gotten over girl's night," Selina explained.

"Hell, me neither," Ivy joked.

"Hey Bruce, what do you have going on tonight?" Harvey asked.

"Um…not much," Bruce replied.

"Great! You're coming to the bachelor party," Harvey said taking Bruce by the arm and pulling him toward the door.

"What? Um…that's probably not a good idea. I mean won't Eddie be mad?" Bruce fumbled.

"Nah…call your kid and tell him to come too."

"My kid?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dick. If he's dating Holly he should be a bigger part of our group."

Bruce gave the "God help me look" to Selina.

"Have fun," she said giving him a wave.

Bruce glared at her as he walked out the door.

"He didn't look too happy to be taken hostage," Ivy told Selina as she popped the wine coolers into the fridge.

"He needs more friends. It'll do him some good," Selina replied.

"Fair enough."

"Door," Harley cried from the bathroom where she was pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"I got it," Selina said. She pressed the button to buzz whoever it was in and she cracked the door open.

"So we have everything right?" Ivy asked.

"As far as I know."

"Did you call a stripper?" she joked.

Selina slapped her in the arm and shook her head. "Knowing my luck, Joker would kidnap the stripper and start taking his clothes off. Then I'd have to kill myself."

"You're the one who told him you loved him," Ivy replied.

"One, I was drunk, and two, how did you find out?"

"You were yelling that night. I could hear everything."

"Damn it. Did you tell Harvey?" she asked.

"No, he heard it himself."

"I was very drunk," she assured her.

"I know. I was joking."

"Hey girlies," Alice called as she and Holly walked through the door.

"Got enough to drink?" Holly asked lifting a 24 pack of beer in the air.

"Hooray!" Selina laughed.

"Once again, I'm done drinking," Ivy told them.

"She says it now but she won't mean it later," Alice replied.

"So where is the bride to be?" Holly asked.

"Right here," Harley cried stepping into the living room.

"Here, we got you a gift." Holly slapped a tiara onto Harley's head that said Bachelorette and had a veil attached.

"Cute."

"Aww…I want one," Ivy joked.

"You're not a Bachelorette," Harley teased.

"Well, she's not now but I think Ivy will be next," Holly said.

"Me?" she asked in disbelief.

"Sure, you and Harvey are going strong. It's only a matter of time before he pops the question," Holly explained.

Ivy laughed nervously and opened a wine cooler.

"Don't scare her," Selina warned.

"Oh come on Ivy. Being married wouldn't be that bad," Holly sighed.

"I don't know, personally I don't want to be married," Selina replied.

"Come on Kittie, if Bruce asked you'd really say no?" Harley asked.

"Probably."

"Right." Harley rolled her eyes.

"For awhile I thought I was going to be married, but that didn't happen," Alice groaned.

"You'll find someone," Selina assured her.

"What about you and Dick? Have either of you even talked about it?" Ivy asked.

"I'm afraid he'd run. He gets all jumpy when someone even says wedding."

They all laughed.

"That's just a typical man," Harley replied.

"Eddie doesn't run from marriage," Holly said.

"Aren't I lucky? I caught one of the good ones."

"I can't believe you're getting married," Jervis muttered as he rearranged his cards.

"I like the idea of being married. I like the whole stability of it," Eddie replied.

"I wouldn't mind being married again," Harvey added.

"I can't even remember being married," Joker sighed.

"What about you Bruce? What's your opinion?" Harvey asked.

"Um…well…I haven't really thought about it," he lied. Secretly, the first time he and Selina dated he thought about popping the question all the time. He even found a ring he kind of liked. Good thing he never bought it.

"Marriage scares me," Dick said still unsure as to why he was there.

"You're young. It's supposed to," Joker replied.

"Alice wanted to get married," Jervis said to no one in particular.

"You dumped her, you don't get to pine," Harvey grumbled.

"I know. She just up and changed all at once. It was like she wasn't my Alice anymore."

"You should have told her instead of dumping her."

"I don't think straight all the time."

"All the time? How about never," Joker laughed.

Jervis threw a peanut at him.

"There are starving people in China that would die for this peanut," Joker told him.

Everyone groaned.

"Just place your bet Jack," Harvey grumbled.

"I will I will, don't push me."

"Aren't you nervous about being married?" Selina asked as she sipped her fourth glass of wine.

"Nah. I'm nervous about the wedding though," Harley replied.

"Afraid Joker will do something stupid?" Ivy asked.

"No, I expect that. I'm afraid I will though."

"If you do something stupid I'll do something dumber and no one will notice you," Selina joked.

"You're going to upstage me at my wedding? You bitch," Harley laughed.

Selina threw a pillow at Harley's head and it knocked her over.

"Hey!" she cried throwing the pillow back.

"Girls, behave," Ivy warned.

"Yes mom," Selina replied.

Ivy threw a pillow at her and laughed.

"Alright! That's enough," Harley laughed. "We should play a game."

"Let's play truth or dare," Alice chirped.

"What are we? Twelve?" Holly asked.

"No, this sounds like fun. Let's play," Ivy said.

"Who goes first?" Harley asked.

"I will, Selina, truth or dare?" Alice asked.

"Truth."

"Who's a better kisser, Bruce or Joker?" she laughed.

Selina shuddered theatrically. "They both suck. It's all about Batman."

"Have all three of you kissed Batman?" Holly asked.

"Oh yeah," Ivy replied.

"What is it about that man?" Alice questioned.

"His abs," all three of them answered together.

"Wrong wrong wrong," Holly laughed.

"Alright, my turn. Ivy, truth or dare?" Selina asked.

"Oh crap…truth."

"Who was the first guy you made it with?" Selina giggled.

"You're sick in the head," Ivy replied. "But his name was Brandon Bigsby, I was 16, and he is now married with three children."

"When was the last time you talked to him?" Selina asked.

"Oh, my mom keeps me updated on all friends from back home."

"I don't even know what my old friends are up to and I just moved out of my home town," Alice said.

"Okay Holly, truth or dare?" Ivy asked.

"Truth. God, we're all so boring," she laughed.

"Do you still have a crush on Eddie?"

"Yeah, I do," she admitted. "Harley truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Joker comes to you on the day of your wedding and tells you he loves you and he can't live without you, what do you do? Marry Eddie or run off with Joker?"

Harley thought, took a swig of her wine cooler, and thought some more. "I honestly don't know. It's one of those in the moment decisions."

"She'd probably die of shock," Ivy added.

Harley laughed. "I would not. But it certainly would be a hard decision."

"It's too romantic, I'd have to run off with the Joker," Alice told them.

"Fine little miss romance, truth or dare?" Harley asked.

"Dare," Alice replied bravely.

Harley got up off the floor and tossed her phone into Alice's lap. "I dare you to call Jervis and tell him you still love him." Then she walked into the bathroom to pee.

Alice sat with the phone in her lap. On the one hand, she was petrified to talk to Jervis and on the other it was a dare and she had to do it. Alice Spungen had never backed down from a dare. She got up off the floor and took the phone to the kitchen. She took a deep breath and dialed the phone.

"Someone's calling me," Jervis said pulling his phone out. "It's Harley."

"You two going to run off together on the night before her wedding?" Dick joked.

"Like she would," he replied. "Hello."

"Jervis," Alice said nervously.

"Alice?" he asked in disbelief.

"I know you're busy so this won't take long."

"Um…go ahead." He looked at Eddie and cocked his eyebrow.

Eddie shrugged in response.

"I just wanted to say that even though we haven't talked and things ended badly, I still love you." The second she said it she panicked and she hung up the phone.

"What did she say?" Harvey asked.

"That she still loved me," Jervis said still unable to believe it.

"What are you going to do?" Joker asked.

Jervis called her back.

"Here Harley, your phone is ringing," Alice said throwing the phone at Harley as she walked back into the living room.

"Hello."

"Harley, put Alice on!" Jervis demanded.

Harley threw the phone back to Alice. "Nice try."

"Hello," Alice mumbled.

"I still love you," Jervis told her and just like Alice, he panicked and hung up.

"He still loves me!" Alice cried.

"Calm down," Holly ordered pulling Alice down onto the floor.

"So now what are you going to do?" Ivy asked.

"I don't know," Alice admitted.

"At least you know he loves you," Selina told her.

"Now what are we going to do?" Holly asked.

"I think its movie time," Harley replied holding up Sid and Nancy.

"So, you both love each other, so what are you going to do about it?" Eddie asked.

"I haven't thought that far ahead yet," Jervis admitted.

"Well, the way I see it, you're kind of stuck," Joker told him.

"Why?"

"Because, if you don't ask her to be your girlfriend then she'll get all pissed and she may kill you, but you said it yourself, she's not your Alice anymore so if you go back to her you'll be miserable," Joker explained.

"Damn it, I hate when you're right," Jervis groaned.

"And it doesn't happen often," Harvey joked.

"I quit. You guys are cleaning me out," Dick whined throwing his cards onto the table and losing for the hundredth time.

"Quit your whining," Harvey told him as he took his money. "I got all this cash, now I need a dancer to give it to."

"Pamela would beat you upside the head with a stripper if you let one give you a lap dance," Joker told him.

"Knowing my luck she'd be some illegitimate daughter I don't know about," Bruce said.

"That's every man's fear. Well that and the stripper being the guy's girlfriend or wife," Eddie added.

"I wonder how often it happens," Dick pondered.

"I heard it happened to Oswald," Harvey chimed in.

"What? When?" Eddie asked.

"Couple of years ago, he was dating that little chippie Bianca. She told him she was some kind of investment banker. Well, he goes out to a strip joint with a couple of his business partners and there she is, up on stage at the Champagne Club. He dumped her right then and there," Harvey explained.

"So that's what happened to Bianca. I always wondered where she went to," Jervis replied.

"What's the deal with Scarlet? Are they really together?" Bruce asked.

"They were but now he's avoiding her because of that damned tipster. Oswald never dates the employees, it looks bad. So now that people found out he did, he's hiding it," Harvey grumbled.

"That's a damn shame since Scarlet is head over heels for him. God only knows why," Eddie said shaking his head.

"Imagine that thing naked," Jervis laughed.

"Come on! I'm drinking a beer damn it!" Harvey grumbled.

"Do you think Oswald will bring Scarlet to the wedding tomorrow?" Harley asked.

"He won't even talk to her. He's been telling me to tell her whatever he has to say," Holly replied.

"That sucks," Ivy said.

"Why is he being a dork about it?" Selina asked.

"Mr. Cobblepot doesn't date the staff, it's unprofessional and believe it or not, Scarlet is the first waitress he broke the rule for. They were sneaking around for awhile before they got caught. Now he's all embarrassed. He thinks people will think the wrong thing or something," Holly explained.

"I should do something about it," Harley sighed.

"Like what? Shoot him in the ass with a cupid arrow?" Ivy joked.

"If that's what it takes," Harley replied.

"I can see it all now and the Arkham visit that follows," Alice laughed.

"I'll think of something and when I do you'll all be shocked."

"And horrified I'm sure," Selina added.

"Why Harley?" Harvey asked folding his hand.

"What do you mean why Harley?" Eddie replied.

"What's the deal with her? You want her, Joker wants her, what's so damn special?"

"Harley's smart, she's funny, and she's just different than most women," Eddie explained.

"Yeah, she's different alright," Joker snorted.

"Got something to say Jack?" Harvey asked.

"Harley's the kind of girl who cheats at poker and denies it even when the aces are falling out of her pocket. When I first met her she told me she was bipolar even though she's obviously borderline personality disorder. She's the kind of girl who leaves condoms out to make you jealous of the men that were there before you and she's also the kind of girl who uses people. She'll ask you to come by on rainy days so you can help catch the dripping water. Eddie was a convenience that somehow worked out."

"So then why do you want her?" Eddie asked slightly angered.

"I didn't say I didn't like it. That's the kind of girl I want," he answered.

"There's something wrong with you," Jervis grunted.

Eddie ignored the rest of the conversation and thought about what Joker said. As much as he hated to say it, Joker was right. He was there when Harley needed someone but not in the way he wanted.


	18. A Sorta Fairy Tale

A Sorta Fairy Tale

A Sorta Fairy Tale

**Author's Note**: Joker's description of Harley in the last chapter was from a song called Dirty Business by The Dresden Dolls. The first time I heard it, it made me think of Harley (terrible huh?) Anyway, it seemed like something Joker would say so there you have it.

"Three hours and 51 minutes until show time!" Alice squealed.

Harley laughed as the woman behind her attempted to curl Harley's hair. "You're more excited than I am."

"I just think that it's romantic. You're telling the whole world that Eddie is the man you love and want to be with forever," she explained.

"I don't get it. You're this big crazy romantic and your sister is all logic. What are your parents like?" Selina asked.

"A big crazy mess," Holly replied.

Selina watched the woman working on her hair carefully. She didn't want to end up with a tower of curls on her head. She didn't know why she agreed to get her hair done professionally. She could do it all on her own perfectly well.

"No," Ivy said firmly when her hair dresser pulled out a curling iron.

"I'm sorry?" she replied.

"No pile of curls. No curling what-so-ever. An up do is fine but no curly nonsense."

The hair dresser looked at Harley who gave a nod of approval. She put the curling iron away and set out to create a straight up do.

"Do I get to object to the curling iron too?" Selina joked.

"Your hair is pretty much curly all the time," Holly told her.

"I call it wavy."

"I'm going to pull it back into a messy bun. You'll have all these gorgeous loose curls, it'll be lovely. Not corny, I swear," her hair dresser assured her.

Alice and Holly giggled.

"Why won't you two let me pay for you to get your hair done?" Harley asked.

"My hair stays down and luscious," Alice replied.

"And my hair stays curly and full," Holly added.

"Guys…" Harley begged.

"Nope," Holly said firmly.

"Alice at least let me pay to have your roots touched up. All your blonde is coming through."

Alice looked in the mirror behind Harley's head. She mussed up her hair and shook it all about. "Alright, you can hook me up. But not with a root touch up."

Spotted: Harley Quinn and company getting their hair done for the big day! It's the wedding of the century with the party guaranteed to be the social event of the millennium. Everyone who's anyone on our side of the world has been invited including your's truly. There will be no pictures today but I will keep you all up to date on the happy couple's activities and those of the bridal party.

"One hour and 13 minutes," Bruce said.

"Good, we're running ahead of schedule," Selina replied as she fixed her makeup.

"Why am I in the bride's dressing room?" he asked.

"Because, we need someone with a watch," Harley answered.

"We also need to get your makeup going," Ivy said pulling out her stash.

Harley took a seat and Ivy took one opposite of her and went to work.

"I don't want to look like a hooker," Harley said firmly.

"I'm not going to make you look like a hooker," Ivy replied with an eye role.

"Has anyone checked to see if the boys are here?" Harley asked.

"I'll check," Alice chimed in.

"Of course you will. You wanna see if Jervy wervy is here," Holly joked.

"Shut up," she shot back. Alice bounced out of the dressing room and ran across the church to find the boys.

"Hey Alice," Harvey said as he passed her in the hallway.

"Hey!"

"Where are you off to?"

"To make sure the boys are here and since you are I'm guessing they are," she replied.

"Continue on anyway, I'm sure Jervis would like to see you," Harvey told her.

"I think I will." Alice started to skip away but Harvey stopped her again.

"Is Ivy busy?"

"Not really."

"Thanks. Good luck with Jervis."

Alice ran down the hall and pounded on the men's door.

Jervis opened the door and smiled. "Hi."

"Hey, I came to say hi," she replied nervously.

"You look nice," he told her.

"Thanks, Holly lent me the dress."

"I see you changed your hair again."

Alice wrapped a golden blonde lock around her finger. "I think this is more me."

"I know I like it like that," he replied shyly.

"You do?" she asked coyly.

Jervis closed the door behind him. "I liked everything about the old you."

Alice straightened his tie and smiled. "Well, I'm back to old me."

He closed the space between them and pulled Alice in.

"Get a room you two," Eddie laughed as he walked out of the room.

Jervis jumped back and rubbed his head nervously.

Alice pulled him back in and kissed him. "I'll see you later."

"Bruce? Why are you with the women?" Harvey asked when Bruce opened the dressing room door.

"I'm afraid to tell Selina no," he answered.

"Sorry. Can I steal Pammy?"

Ivy handed Selina her makeup brush. "Can you finish her?"

"Yeah."

"What do you need?" Ivy asked as she closed the door behind her.

"Come on," he said pulling her out the door and around the back.

"What are you doing?"

"Just follow me," he told her.

So she did until they were behind the church in a little garden.

"What is this?" she asked.

Harvey fished his hand into his pocket and pulled out a little box. Immediately Ivy's heart began to pound. Was Holly right? Was she next?

"Harvey…what…" she stumbled.

"Pammy, I've been thinking," he began.

Ivy took a seat on the little stone bench and took a deep breath.

"I want you to be mine forever." Harvey opened the box and pulled out a silver band.

"It's not a diamond," she said slightly relieved.

"No, it's a silver band. See, I got one for me too. It's like we're married without the spectacle of the wedding," he explained.

Ivy took the ring from Harvey. "It's beautiful."

"Look inside it."

"You're my heaven. P.I. & H.D.," she read. "Oh Harvey!"

"I love you," he whispered.

Spotted: Harvey and Ivy sharing a moment outside the church. Our romantic devil gave Ivy a silver band to promise they'll be together always. How cute! It seems like romance is in the air. Little Alice and Jervis were seen reunited in the hallway outside the men's dressing room. Who's next?

"Joker, I'm surprised you showed up," Oswald quacked. He was standing outside the church mingling with the other guests when he spotted Joker getting out of a cab.

"Well, it is the social event of the millennium," he replied.

"No date?" Oswald asked.

"No, I was going to ask Scarlet but she seems hung up on someone," Joker said cockily.

Oswald glared.

"Lighten up Ozzie."

"I don't see how my personal life is any of your business."

"You're right, it isn't so I'm just going to say one more thing about it, if you find someone who makes you happy, forget everyone else. There isn't enough time to worry about what people think," Joker told him.

Oswald walked away and struck up a conversation with Victor Fries.

"I tried," he mumbled. Joker walked into the church and looked for a clue as to where Harley was.

"This dress is impossible!" Selina whined as she tried to zip Harley up.

"It's not impossible! You're just doing it wrong," Harley groaned.

Selina finally got the zipper up. "There, you are all dressed and ready to go. I'm going to go find my man. He went to the bathroom 10 minutes ago."

"I'll call the coast guard," Harley joked.

"Do you have your phone?" Selina asked.

"Yeah."

"Ok, call if you need anything. I think Holly will be back in a second, but I think Alice is MIA."

"I'll be fine."

"Hello Mr. Cobblepot," Holly said cheerfully.

"Holly, nice to see you outside of work," Oswald replied.

"You haven't seen my boyfriend have you?" she asked.

"No, can't say that I have."

"Damn. He's not answering his phone either." Holly bit her thumb nail and sighed.

"I'm sorry. If I do see him, I'll let him know you're looking," Oswald told her.

"Thank you. Oh!" Holly cried.

"What?"

"Nothing it's just…look at Scarlet. She looks gorgeous."

Oswald turned around and saw Scarlet standing on the curb. Her red hair danced in the breeze along with the bottom of her pink dress. She looked stunning.

"Well, I'm going to continue looking for my man. You have fun Mr. Cobblepot," Holly said giving him a pat on the shoulder as she walked away.

Oswald straightened his jacket and tried to look like he hadn't noticed Scarlet but she had noticed him.

Scarlet walked up the church steps and smiled at Oswald. "Hi."

"Hello."

"You look nice," she said.

"So do you."

"Thank you."

Oswald cleared his throat and Scarlet played with her fingers.

"This is the first conversation we've had in weeks," she joked.

"It is isn't it?"

"I was never using you, you know," Scarlet said quickly.

"I never thought you were."

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

"It's a lot of things," he answered.

Scarlet shook her head and walked into the church.

"Have you seen Dick?" Holly asked Eddie.

"Nope, sorry," he replied.

"Sorry to bother you."

"It's no bother at all. Actually, why don't you come in and sit down?" he asked moving aside so she could come in.

"Alright." Holly plopped down in a chair and Eddie took the one opposite of her. "Felling nervous yet?"

"Not really," he lied.

"I'd be freaking out right now," she admitted.

Eddie laughed. "You? You never freak out."

"Oh yes I do. I freak out all the time. At least 100 times a night at work," she told him.

"Well you hide it well."

"Thank you."

"You look really lovely today."

"You're not looking too bad yourself," she replied.

"Why Miss Holly, are hitting on me?" he asked sarcastically.

"You know it." Holly leaned forward a bit to slap him on the knee and before she could lean back, Eddie grabbed her hand.

Eddie slid his chair closer to Holly's, never letting her hand go.

"Eddie," Holly whispered.

He kissed her softly and she kissed him back, a little more forcefully than he expected.

Dick walked into the church and looked around for Holly. He knew he was running late and he wanted to call but he managed to drop his phone during a scuffle this morning and it smashed into a million pieces. Dick spotted Bruce and Selina so he walked over to them. "Have you seen Holly?"

"She was just looking for you," Bruce replied.

"Do you know where she is?"

"The last time I saw her she was going to ask Eddie if he'd seen you," Selina told him.

"And Eddie is..."

"That way." Selina pointed to the hallway.

Dick took off jogging down the hall and bumped into Holly along the way.

"Hey lover," she squealed.

"Sorry I'm late, I got tied up with something," he said.

"Your other girlfriend?"

"You know it."

Holly laughed even though she had so much guilt running through her body. She and Eddie had just had an intense make out session on his wedding day. She felt bad for Harley and for Dick. But instead of coming clean she said, "I love you."

"Oh my god, I didn't know Harley invited Roxie to the wedding," Ivy commented as she checked out the guests as they filed into the church.

"She invited everyone. Look, even Jonathan is here," Selina replied.

"I'm surprised he showed up," Ivy said.

"I'm surprised Joker hasn't shown up."

"Oh, he has. He's sneaking around the church looking for Harley," Ivy explained.

"And you didn't point him in the right direction because?"

"This is more fun."

"True. Very true."

Harley stood in front of her mirror and played with her veil until it was perfectly centered. She took a deep breath, smiled, and said "I do." Then her smile faded and she clutched her stomach as the butterflies threatened to escape.

"You look lovely," Joker said from the doorway.

Harley jumped and spun around. "Jesus, you scared me."

"Sorry," he replied closing the door.

"So, what is the plan for today? Going to throw my husband into the trunk of a car and drive it into the river?" Harley asked.

"No plan, no tricks, I just came to wish you luck."

"Really? I find that hard to believe."

"I promise you."

"Do you really think I look pretty?" she asked.

"Very."

"Money well spent huh?"

"I'm sorry?" Joker asked as if he had no idea what she was talking about.

"I know you bought the dress. Well, you and Harvey."

"Damn and I thought I was so sneaky," he joked.

"Yeah, well, you would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the pesky bridal shop lady. She's the one that told me."

"I should kill her."

Harley laughed.

"Even though I have no tricks, I do have something to say."

Harley thought about the truth or dare question last night and she began to panic.

"More than anything I want you to be my Harley again but I don't see that happening. But I still want you in my life."

"Really?"

"I would rather be your lover but I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all," he told her.

Harley wrapped her arms around Joker's neck. "I'll always be your friend. Just the kind of friend who keeps her clothes on," she laughed.

"Fair enough. I'll see you kiddo," he said giving her a fake punch to the jaw.

"I'll see you out there."

Joker walked out the door.

Harley looked back in the mirror and smiled even though her eyes were filling up with tears. "Shit."

"I should go get our blushing bride," Ivy commented when she noticed the time.

"I'll go with you," Selina replied.

"What am I supposed to do?" Bruce asked.

"Go pop a squat with Dick and Holly," Selina answered.

Bruce grumbled and did as he was told.

Selina sighed and shook her head. "Come on."

The girls walked to Harley's dressing room and knocked on the door, there was no response.

"Harl?" Ivy called through the door.

Selina opened the door and walked in. "She's not here!"

Ivy and Selina started to run back into the church and looked around to see if she was there.

"We can't look too panicked. The guests will worry," Ivy said calmly.

"We need to find one of the groomsmen and see if they've seen Harley," Selina replied slightly panicked.

Ivy went to say something else but she her thoughts were interrupted. "Was that Joker?"

Selina whipped around just in time to catch Joker walking out the church doors. "I'll go talk to him." She ran down the church steps and caught him on the sidewalk. "Where are you going?"

"Home," he answered.

"Why?"

"I don't really feel like sitting through a wedding."

"There might not be a wedding, I can't find the bride."

"She was in her dressing room a minute ago," he replied.

"Yes, well, now she's gone."

"Sorry, can't help you." Joker started to walk away.

"Will you be at the reception?"

"Sure."

Harley tip toed into Eddie's room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Eddie stood in front of his mirror and adjusted his tie for the millionth time that minute. He sighed.

"Don't be too thrilled now," Harley joked.

Eddie jumped what felt like six feet in the air and spun around to face the intruder. "You scared me half to death!"

"Sorry."

"I'm not supposed to see you before the wedding," he said.

"Well, I had to talk to you before we say "I do"," she replied.

Eddie took and seat. "This doesn't sound good."

"It's nothing too horrible, I swear."

"Go on then."

"Do you love me?" she asked.

"No, I'm marrying you for shits and giggles," he laughed.

"Seriously," she whined taking the chair opposite of him. "Do you really love me?"

"Of course I love you," Eddie replied taking her hands.

"Are you in love with me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, I love Red, and I love Kittie but I'm not in love with them," she explained.

Eddie thought about it. He sighed and let go of her hands.

"I didn't think so," she said sadly.

"When did you some to the realization you weren't in love with me?"

"About two minutes ago."

"What made you figure this out?" he asked.

"Do you really have to ask?"

"I guess not," Eddie laughed.

"I'll alert the guests." Harley got up from her chair and gave Eddie a little hug. "We're still friends right?"

"Of course."

She smiled and walked out of the room. Harley made it three feet down the hall and then bumped into her worried bridesmaids.

"Where the hell have you been?" Selina asked.

"I was talking to Eddie," Harley answered.

"We were looking everywhere for you!" Ivy added.

"I'm sorry."

"What were you talking to Eddie for?" Ivy asked.

"Well, the wedding is off."

"Surprise surprise," Selina joked.

"I can't believe they didn't get married," Harvey sighed as he and Ivy stood in front of the alter after all the guests had left.

"Really? You didn't see this coming at all?" Ivy asked.

"Well, I did but I just figured they'd get married anyway."

Ivy gave him a little push and shook her head. "You're a twit."

"Aren't you happy I don't want another wedding? We can just get straight to being together and starting a family," Harvey said wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Family?" she asked nervously.

"Yeah, you'll be a great mom," he told her.

Ivy clutched her stomach and felt like she was going to be sick.

"We should probably head over to the Iceberg."

"I'll meet you over there. I need to stop home and grab something," Ivy said quickly.

"Want me to go with you?"

"No! It's okay, I'll just meet you," she assured him.

"Alright, I'll see you there."

Ivy waited for Harvey to get in a cab and get around the corner before she hailed her own cab. When she got home she bolted up the stairs and slammed the apartment door behind her. She had to get out of Gotham. She felt claustrophobic, somehow the city had shrunk. She started to throw her clothes into a bag, unsure as to where she was going and not really giving a damn as long as she was gone. Ivy walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water when she noticed a notepad on the counter. The top page said Honolulu, flight 238, 6:30 pm. Ivy didn't know what the note was but Honolulu didn't sound like a bad idea.

"The party's been going on for an hour now and he still isn't here," Harley whined.

"Well, call him again," Selina replied.

Harley pulled out her phone and dialed Joker's phone number once more. "Voicemail again," she sighed. "Joker, its Harley. I'm sitting at the Iceberg and you're still not here! Selina said you left before the wedding so you didn't hear that I didn't get married. I'm going to be at the Iceberg until it closes so come on by or call me." Harley slid her phone back into her purse and looked at Selina sadly.

"He'll call or show up. I know he will," Selina comforted her.

"I hope so."

"Have either of you seen Pammy?" Harvey asked.

"She's not with you?" Harley asked.

"She said she'd meet me here. She had to get something from home first," he explained.

"I haven't seen her since the church," Selina told him.

"Same here," Harley added.

"I'll try calling her again," he said walking away.

"Maybe they ran off together," Selina joked.

Harley kicked her and pouted.

"It was funny," Selina squealed rubbing her leg.

"Oh! My phone! It must be Joker," Harley cried pulling her phone out. "Hey!"

"Hi Harley," Ivy replied.

"Red? Harvey is looking for you, where are you?" Harley asked.

"Gotham airport getting ready to go to Honolulu," she answered.

"What do you mean Honolulu? As in Hawaii!" Harley yelled.

"Yeah."

"Why are you going to Hawaii?"

"Harley I…I'm…I need a vacation," she lied.

"A vacation?" Harley asked in disbelief.

"I left a note for Harvey on the counter. You, Selina, and Harvey are welcomed to keep staying there. I'll be home soon."

"How soon?"

"I don't know yet. When I can I guess. I have to go. I'll call you when I get there. Good Bye Harl." Ivy hung up the phone.

"She's going to Honolulu?" Selina asked.

"Yeah, I guess."

Ivy took her seat on the plane and made sure her phone was off. She sighed and fidgeted with her fingers, she hated flying. Luckily, she had a window seat. It was always easier to fly when she could look out the window.

A man took the seat next to her. He looked vaguely familiar but she couldn't place it. He seemed to be sharing the same feeling.

Ivy smiled at him but he didn't return the gesture. "Perfect, I'm stuck on a flight without a MP3 player and I'm sitting next to a grouch," she thought.

"Why are you here?" the man snapped.

"Excuse me?" she shot back.

"Why are you on my flight?" he asked.

"I didn't realize you owned the plane! And who the hell are you anyway?"

The man gave her a smile and it hit Ivy all at once.

"Joker?!"

"Shush!" he hissed.

"You wrote down the flight information," she laughed.

"I knew I left that somewhere."

"Why are you on this plane?" she asked.

"I'm in need of a vacation and Honolulu was the first flight I could make," Joker explained. "And you?"

"Same," she lied.

"Fan-freaking-tastic."

"Hey Joker, it's me again. The Iceberg is closing and I'm getting ready to go home. I don't know why you didn't call or come over but I wish you would. I hope I'll talk to you tomorrow." Harley closed her phone and walked sadly with Selina home.

"He'll call you tomorrow," Selina told her.

"I hope."

"He will. I know he will."

"What if he doesn't?" Harley asked.

Selina thought for a second. "Then, you'll always have me."

Harley wrapped her arms around Selina and let a tear fall down her cheek.


	19. Against All Odds

That's What You Get

**Author's Note**: I bought The Wizard of Gore remake the other day. It's not as good as the original (they never are) but it was a good movie. And before you say it, I saw the Wizard of Gore long before Juno was a thought in the writer's head. So ha! To sum up this commentary, see the Wizard of Gore. Whether it's the old one or new one, see it.

_Dear Harvey,_

_I'm sorry for taking off so suddenly, I just had to get out of town for awhile. I was feeling like I was being suffocated. But not by you! I swear, this has nothing to do with you, this is all me. I love you, you have to believe that I do. _

_I hope to be back by the end of the month. You're welcomed to stay in the apartment, Harley knows where I keep the rent money. I'll call you and I hope you'll answer. Please, don't hate me. _

_Love,_

_Pamela_

Harvey crumpled the letter in his hands and threw it in the trash. He couldn't help but feel like she was running from him. He poured himself a cup of coffee and stared at the garbage can. As he sipped his coffee, he contemplated calling her. "Damn it." Harvey pulled the letter from the trash, folded it up, and stuffed it into his pocket.

"It's me again, I was hoping you'd answer. Anyway, call me when you get a chance," Harley sighed into the phone. "Bye." She tossed her phone onto her nightstand and crawled back under her covers. She had no intention of getting out of bed today or any other day until Joker called her back.

"Harley, get your cute little butt up!" Selina called through the door. There was no answer so she walked into Harley's room. She sighed as Harley wiggled further under the covers. "I see you."

Harley stuck her head under her pillow like an ostrich.

"Come on! Let's go shopping, I need a new pair of boots," Selina pushed.

She grunted.

"I'll buy you an ice cream cone with Superman ice cream and we can talk about how gay the colors are and how it's code for how gay he is."

"I really just want to spend the day in bed," Harley sighed,

"Fine. Today you can spend the day in bed but tomorrow you and I are going out," Selina told her as she walked out of the room. She strolled into the kitchen where Harvey sat staring at the wall and drinking his coffee. "Did you find her letter?"

"Yeah," he grunted.

"Was it insightful?"

"No, not really."

"I'm sorry." Selina poured herself a cup of coffee and took a seat on the counter. She smiled at Harvey who still focused his attention on the wall. "Harley's spending the day in bed."

"Is she now?"

"Yeah, she's all upset because the Joker hasn't called her back yet," she explained.

"She has to be the only person on the planet that gets upset when Joker doesn't call," Harvey joked.

"She loves him, what can you do?"

Harvey didn't say anything; he just took a sip of his coffee and poured the rest down the drain. "I'm going to bed."

"It's 10:00 in the morning!" Selina cried.

"I know but it doesn't seem like this day is getting any better," he replied walking to his room.

Selina sighed and pulled out her phone. She needed help here.

"Why are you in my hotel?" Ivy growled when she spotted Joker in the lounge.

"I was going to get a room here but it seems the rooms are all taken," he answered.

"That's why I sprung for a suite," she replied.

"What do you need a suite for? There's just one of you!"

"I want a big room to sprawl out it."

"Let me share your suite with you," Joker whined.

"NO!" Ivy cried. "I want to forget about Gotham and I can't do that if you're in my suite! Get your own hotel!"

"I like this hotel"

"Too bad!"

"Come on Red, help out a friend," he said giving her the puppy dog pout.

"I would, if you were my friend," she replied coldly.

"Ouch."

Ivy smirked.

"Look, I'll make it worth your while."

"I highly doubt that," she laughed.

"You'll have your privacy, I promise you that, and I'll pay you extra a night," he offered.

"Not good enough."

"Alright, your privacy, extra a night, and one meal a day."

Ivy thought about it. She didn't want to spend her vacation with the Joker but the deal wasn't too bad. "Fine," she caved.

"Thank you."

"But there's a few ground rules," she warned.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"Rule one, no pestering me about me and Harvey. Rule two, closed door means go away. Finally rule three, when we're out and about you don't know me and I don't know you, got it?"

"Fine by me. And I just one rule of my own, no one knows we're staying together. I don't want anyone to know where I am," he explained.

"Deal," Ivy replied shaking Joker's hand. "Oh and by the way, I have something to tell you about Harley."

Joker reached out and clamped his hand over Ivy's mouth. "Alright, there are two rules, no one knows I'm here and no talking of Harley. I don't care what it is, I don't want to hear it," he growled.

Ivy pulled his hand away, "But…"

Joker grabbed her mouth again. "Not one damn word."

She saw murder in his eyes so Ivy decided it was for the best that she didn't try to tell him again.

Ivy flopped down onto her bed and smiled. This was going to be the best month ever. She closed here eyes and started to let herself fall asleep when her cell phone began to ring. Ivy cursed as she answered her phone. "Hello," she sighed.

"Am I interrupting anything?" Selina asked.

"Just peace and quiet," Ivy replied.

"Sorry."

"Not a big deal. What's going on?"

"Not too much. Harley's all depressed because Joker hasn't called her back so she's decided to spend the day in bed and Harvey's all bummed so he's spending his day in bed too which leaves little old me all by my lonesome," Selina rattled on.

"What about Bruce?" Ivy asked as she glanced at the door half expecting Joker to bust in.

"He's not answering his phone. Probably out with some hussy," Selina joked.

"You're never going to let go of that incident are you?"

"I've let it go…mostly."

"Call Alice or Holly and make them hang out with you."

"It's not that I'm lonely, I can entertain myself, really. I just feel bad about Harley and Harvey I guess. I know Harvey will bounce back tomorrow or the next day but Harley isn't going to get over Joker until he calls her back. I should go over to his place and kick his ass."

"You do that," Ivy replied.

"You sound exhausted, I'll let you go so you can relax."

"Thanks, I'll call you later," she assured her. Ivy tossed her phone back onto the nightstand. "Joker!" she yelled.

Joker poked his head through her door and raised an eyebrow.

"Selina wants to kick your ass. Why won't you answer your phone?"

"I don't have my phone with me. I realized I left it at home when I got to the airport."

"Well, a certain someone is looking for you," Ivy told him.

"Good for that certain someone," he growled.

"Joker can't you just…" Before Ivy could finish, Joker walked out of the room and slammed the door full force. "Never mind."

"Up! Up! Up!" Selina cried as she bounced up and down on Harley's bed.

Harley rolled over and looked up at Selina who dropped down on top of her. "Ugh!"

"You said we'd go shopping today if I let you sleep all day yesterday," Selina whined.

"I'm tired," Harley replied.

"You slept all day yesterday."

"No, I laid in bed all day yesterday, I never slept," she explained.

"Come on, you need to get up and get out in the world," Selina told her.

Harley sat up and tilted her head to the side.

"Look, we'll go shopping all afternoon, we'll get Superman ice cream like I promised, and then we'll do dinner at the Iceberg with Alice and Holly. No boys, just us girls," Selina pressed.

Harley scrunched up her face and shook her head.

Selina grabbed Harley's hands and dragged her out of bed. "Get up!" she laughed.

"It's cold," Harley said as she and Selina stepped out of Macy's.

"It's December, it's supposed to be cold," Selina explained.

"Still," she sighed.

"Will you cheer up? This is supposed to be a girls' day out."

"That's why you've been checking your phone systematically every four minutes," Harley replied.

"I've left Bruce like a hundred messages and he still hasn't called back!" Selina growled.

"Maybe he's working," Harley offered.

"Yeah, maybe."

The girls walked by a small shop with crystal balls and other magical memorabilia in the window. Harley slowed down and eyed the window. She peered inside the store. The shelves were lined with tarot cards, herbs, candles, and books.

"Let's go in," Harley said mesmerized by all the trinkets.

"A witchcraft store?" Selina asked.

"Sure, why not?" she replied walking in.

Selina quickly followed Harley. "What are you going to do? Cast a love spell on Joker?"

Harley glared at Selina and walked over to the glass counter that housed different articles of jewelry. A little old woman dressed in a dark blue dress smiled at her.

"Looking for anything in particular ladies?" she asked.

"No, just browsing," Selina replied with a smile.

"You have such interesting things," Harley told her.

"Thank you," the old woman beamed.

Selina wandered over to one of the bookshelves and plucked a purple leather bound book off it. She slowly flicked the pages. Once upon a time, Selina not only believed in witchcraft, she actually practiced it. But that was long ago, back in her teen years. Now she stayed away from the whole occult world.

"Man troubles?" the old woman asked as she approached Selina.

"Isn't that always the problem?" Selina joked.

"You're worried he's with someone else."

Selina glanced up at the old woman and put the book back on the shelf. She smiled uncomfortably.

"I can assure you, there is no other woman, but if you want him to think about you more often," she began as she walked over to another shelf and grabbed a pouch, "then place this under his pillow." She held the pouch out to Selina.

Selina took the pouch and looked at it suspiciously.

"It's nothing to be frightened of. Just a simple combination of herbs and flowers to make the one you love think about you more often," she explained.

"Thank you," Selina replied.

The old woman walked back over to the jewelry counter and smiled at Harley. "Tell me about your troubles my dear."

"I was with this guy for a long time and then we broke up. Then I was engaged but the day I was supposed to get married I realized I was in love with my ex and now my ex won't answer his phone and no one's seen him," Harley explained. "Now I don't know if I made the right choice not getting married."

The old woman opened the case and pulled out a small, golden, heart pendant on a simple gold chain. "Take this. One day you'll see someone and the necklace will fall off, that will be your true love."

Harley eyed the necklace. "I'll take it."

"Do you really believe that necklace will tell you who your true love is?" Selina asked as she pulled on a pair of black knee high boots.

"You took the herbs," Harley replied.

"I felt obligated to," Selina told her.

"What's in that pouch anyway?"

"I'm not sure."

"How are you going to get it under Bruce's pillow?" Harley asked.

"Who said I was going to put under Bruce's pillow?"

"So you bought it for no reason?"

"Basically," Selina answered.

Later that day, while Harley was locked away in a dressing room, Selina tried, once again, to call Bruce.

"Hey, it's me again. Just wondering where you're at. Wondering if I did something to piss you off. Anyway, call me back or write me an email, maybe even a letter." Selina shoved her phone back into her purse.

"I'm sorry dinner was such a bust," Selina sighed as she and Harley walked into the apartment.

"It wasn't a complete waste. I learned that once again, Alice and Jervis have the perfect relationship, Holly and Eddie made out on my wedding day, and that Tom Blake buys banana hammocks which I really didn't need to know," Harley replied.

"Yeah, I damn that tipster to hell."

"The thought of it was bad enough, I didn't need the picture of Tom Blake standing in front of a mirror with nothing but a banana hammock on," Harley winced.

"Once again, I'm sorry."

Harley waved it off as she walked down the hall to her room. She slipped on her pajamas and hoped against hope she'd be able to fall asleep. But of course, Harley rarely got what she desired so after an hour of tossing and turning, Harley got up and made her way to Selina's room. She opened Selina's door slightly. "Kittie?" she asked timidly.

"Huh?" she replied.

"You asleep?"

"No."

Harley crawled into bed next to Selina and lay down. "Bruce ever call back?"

"No," she answered simply.

"He'll call."

Selina laughed. "If he doesn't, he'll regret it."

Harley giggled and snuggled deeper into the covers.

"Joker call?" Selina asked.

"No," Harley replied sadly.

"He'll call tomorrow," Selina assured her.

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will, I know he will."

"No you don't."

Selina snuggled down next to Harley. "You're right, I don't. But I hope he will. Secretly I want to believe fairy tales come true and there really are happily ever afters and if Joker calls you then I don't have to believe, I'll know," she explained.

Harley looked up at Selina and wrapped her arms around her waist. They fell asleep desperately clinging to their own fairy tales and each other.


	20. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Author's Note**: So I've decided to give you all a look at Holly and Alice. I figure a description is good but a cartoon image is even better. So...enjoy.

"I told you, my phone broke! I had to get a new one and on top of it, I had to get a new phone number! Then I had to look through every damn drawer to find your number! Finally I had the brilliant idea to ask Dick to get your number from Holly and ta da!" Bruce yelled through the phone at Selina.

"It's so convenient, isn't it?" she asked.

"What? What is convenient?"

"Your story," Selina answered.

"I'm not having this fight."

"What fight?"

"The cheating fight," he sighed. "Look Selina, I cheated on you, barely, but I did and I apologized. You either forgive me or dump me, take your pick."

"I did forgive you!"

"Then why are you yelling at me?"

Selina thought about it. "Because I can!" She hung up the phone and hid it in the silverware drawer. She had gone two weeks without speaking to Bruce and their first conversation ended in disaster. It seemed like that was the trend with their love life. Since the moment they met they've been fighting. She hopped up on the counter and dug into a carton of yogurt.

Harvey strolled into the kitchen. He glanced up at Selina, "Rough afternoon?"

"What gave it away?"

"The yogurt. You never eat yogurt unless you've had a rough day," he explained.

"It's my comfort food," she replied.

"Odd choice."

Harley shuffled in next. She reached into the fridge and pulled out her own carton of yogurt. She looked at Selina who handed Harley a spoon. "Rough day?" she asked.

"Sort of, you?"

"Yeah."

Harvey shook his head. "I'll never understand women."

Selina went to retort but stopped when faint music started to emanate from the silverware drawer.

"Damn forks and their phone calls," Harvey joked.

"You should have heard them this morning," Selina replied.

"You gonna get it?"

"Nah, I'll let them take care of it."

"So you two fought again?" Dick asked as he strutted into the library.

"What gave it away?"

"That look on your face," he answered.

Bruce sighed and kicked the table.

"I know, that table pisses me off too," Dick told him.

"Do you always have a smart remark?" Bruce asked.

"Not always but a good portion of the time, yes."

Bruce glared at him.

"Why don't you try calling her back?" Dick offered.

"I tried but she put the phone in the silverware drawer."

"How in the hell do you know that?"

"I know Selina. If there's a chance someone is going to call her back and she doesn't want to answer, she hides the phone, and since she was in the kitchen at the time of the fight I'm pretty sure she chose the silverware drawer," Bruce explained.

"Ok, now do me," he joked.

Bruce pushed by him and locked himself in the Batcave for the rest of the day.

"Christmas is coming up," Harley said to no one in particular.

"Who needs a calendar when Harley Quinn's around," Selina joked.

"We should do something," Harley continued.

"Let's buy a tree and sing Christmas carols around it," Harvey grumbled.

Harley threw a pillow and hit him on the side of the head.

"We should do a little something," Selina chimed in.

"What do we have to celebrate? You and your boyfriend can't have a normal conversation, my girlfriend took off to Hawaii, and Harley's true love won't call her back and is probably dead in the gutter somewhere."

Harley got up from the couch. "I'm going to take a bath," she whimpered as she made her way to the bathroom.

"You should really get that hum bug out of your ass," Selina told him.

"It's the truth."

"Still."

"I'm going for a walk." Harvey slammed the door on his way out.

"I think a little Christmas get together would be nice," Holly chirped setting a tray full of snacks onto the table for Harley, Selina, and Alice.

"Yeah well Harvey went all Scrooge and stomped out," Selina explained.

"Well he doesn't have to come. We'll have the party here!" Alice cried.

"Easy for you to say, this isn't your apartment, it's mine," Holly laughed.

"I'd help," Alice whined.

"I'll probably have to work anyway," Holly continued.

"Too bad for Ozzie. You're getting Christmas Eve off and you're coming to our Christmas party," Harley demanded.

"You tell him," Holly replied.

"We'll have the party at our place, Harvey can go sit at the Iceberg, and you will have the night off. Just leave Ozzie to me," Selina told her.

"Ma'am, yes ma'am," Holly joked.

"So who's all invited to this soiree?" Alice asked.

"You, Holly, Selina, Jervis, Dick, Eddie, and Harvey if he wants to join," Harley listed.

"I say we leave Harvey out," Alice moped.

"We have to invite Harvey. He lives in the apartment. Something tells me he'll know there's a party going on," Selina explained.

"He's a guy, they're oblivious," Alice said.

"Not that oblivious," Holly told her.

"Honey, we're home. You know you are the luckiest man in Gotham. You're living with not one, but two amazingly hot women and what the hell is that?" Selina cried as she and Harley stepped into the apartment.

"It's a Christmas tree," Harvey answered.

"But why?" Harley asked.

"Because it's December and Christmas is only a couple of weeks away."

Harley squealed and grabbed some decorations from the box on the floor. "I can't believe we have a tree!"

"It's not a real tree. I can't even begin to imagine the horror that would transpire if Ivy came home and found a dead tree in her living room," Harvey explained.

"I'm surprised at you. After the display earlier I figured you had a lump of coal up your butt," Selina told him.

Harley giggled as she hung an ornament on the tree.

"What is your fascination with my butt?" Harvey asked.

"It's just so damn cute," Selina said breathily.

"Okay, that's getting a little weird," Harley informed them.

"Well, now we have a tree for our Christmas soiree," Selina said taking an ornament and placing it on a branch.

"Soiree?" Harvey questioned.

"Yeah, we've decided to have a little get together. You know, us three, Holly, Dick, Alice, Jervis, and Eddie," Selina replied.

"No Bruce?" Harvey asked.

"I think it's for the best if Bruce just stays in his circle."

"Selina," Harvey sighed.

"We are two very different people, it's just not going to work," she said.

"No, you two are exactly the same. That's your problem. You're both too damn stubborn and proud to make things work."

"Oh, you got told," Harley snickered.

"Enough from the peanut gallery," Selina hissed.

"Just admit I'm right," Harvey told her.

"I would but, you're completely wrong," Selina replied.

Harvey shook his head. They were like mirror images of each other, the same in everyway, but still backwards somehow.

December seemed to fly by, and before anyone knew it, Christmas Eve was there. Harley and Selina ran around the apartment putting the finishing touches on everything. Even though it was a small group of their friends coming, the duo still had this urge to make everything perfect. Harvey sat in his recliner sipping a rum and eggnog. Ivy had called that morning to tell him she wasn't going to be home, surprise surprise, and that she loved him and hoped he would have fun.

Selina plopped a Santa hat onto Harvey's head. "Cheer up kiddo."

Harvey looked up at her. "I am cheering up. Another couple of these and I'll be the happiest person here," he told her holding up his glass.

Selina shook her head. "Why is it our group can't be pleasant without alcohol?"

"It's not just our group, it's every group," Harley told her.

"What up loves?" Alice asked as she barged into the apartment. "You guys should really lock your doors, there are psychos out there."

"Funny," Harvey replied.

"I'm hilarious, I know," Alice told him.

Jervis followed Alice in, hiding behind her a little.

"And a hello to you too Jervis," Selina laughed.

"What are you doing? Get out from behind me," Alice pushed.

Jervis sighed and stepped out from behind her revealing a hideous red sweater with reindeer dancing across it.

"What on earth are you wearing?" Harley asked.

"My mom sent it to me," he replied.

"Why are you wearing it?" Harvey questioned.

"Because, Alice says it's the nice thing to do."

"And it is!" she cried.

"That is the worst sweater I have ever seen," Selina giggled.

"Leave me alone!"

"Merry Christmas," Ivy said clinking glasses with Joker in the hotel restaurant.

"My first one away from Gotham in I don't know how many years," Joker replied.

"Me too."

"Did you call your man today?" Joker asked.

"Yes, I did. Did you call you know who?"

"No."

"I wish you would," she sighed.

"I wish you'd drop it."

"Oh, that's my phone. Excuse me for a second." Ivy pulled her phone out of her purse. "Merry Christmas, mom. No, I'm still in Hawaii. Yes, I did call my friends and wish them a merry Christmas. Yes, I'm having fun. Tell dad I love him too. I didn't want to spend Christmas in Seattle. It's freezing there and I wanted a warm Christmas that's why I went to Hawaii. It has nothing to do with running away from something. I'm not hiding anything from you!" Ivy rolled her eyes, looked to Joker, and shook her head. "Mom, I really just wanted a change in scenery. I told you. Seattle is freezing in December. It has nothing to do with you or anything in Gotham. Please, do come to town when I get back! Fine, I'll call you tomorrow. I love you too. Bye." Ivy shoved her phone into her purse and sighed.

"That sounded fun."

"What?"

"That whole fight."

"That wasn't a fight. That was just typical holiday conversation," Ivy laughed.

"When your parents come to town, tell me in advance so I can get out," he told her.

"Only if I can go with you."

"Deal. Oh and before I forget," Joker said sliding a medium sized box across the table.

"What is that?"

"A gift. Open it."

"Is it going to explode or spray me with laughing gas?" she asked suspiciously.

"A little of both. Just open it," he ordered.

Ivy unwrapped the box carefully and hesitated a little before opening it. Inside was a ceramic white lily hair ornament. Ivy pulled it out of the box and quickly pinned it in her hair, squealing all the while. "This is too much! I can't possibly accept this!"

"That's why it's in your hair," he replied sarcastically. "Besides, it didn't cost that much."

"I can't believe you did something like this! You have changed so much," she sighed.

"Stop gushing."

"Well, now I'm embarrassed."

"Why?"

"Because, I got you something," she replied pulling a small gift out of her purse. "Here."

Joker unwrapped the gift. It was a silver watch.

"I saw it in a window and I knew I had to buy it for someone, and Harvey has so many watches," she explained. "You like it?"

"I do, thanks." He slid the watch onto his wrist and admired it.

It was 8ish and Harley and Selina's soiree was in full swing. Everyone, at some point, had made fun of Jervis's sweater, Harvey loosened up and actually enjoyed himself, and Eddie and Holly seemed to have an invisible wall between them. Every so often their phones would go off with an update as to what each rogue was doing for the evening. The first one was a picture of Jervis and Alice walking to the party and there was a clever joke about Jervis's sweater. The next text was about Ozzie drinking the holiday away at the Iceberg with Tom Blake and Hugo Strange. No one had any clue as to where Crane was, perhaps he bought a ticket out of town, but there was a picture of Scarlet walking down the snow covered streets with a mystery man. Harley thought the Scarlet picture was rather cruel but then again; Ozzie only had himself to blame.

"This night is going fairly well," Selina chirped as she poured herself another drink.

"And it's about to get even better," Harley replied nodding toward the door.

Selina, completely confused, turned around just in time to see Bruce enter the party. "What is he doing here?" she hissed.

"Don't know, why don't you go find out?" Harley asked giving her a little push.

Selina smoothed out her shirt and started to walk confidently over to Bruce, but with every step she took her confidence wavered until she finally reached him and all she could say was "Uh, hi, hello, hey." She smacked her forehead, looked back to Harley, and then looked back at Bruce. "Hi."

"Merry Christmas," he laughed.

"So…what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I wanted to see you," he replied. "I'm not staying though, I got to, you know."

"Yeah."

"Can we go..."

"Um, yeah, let's go out on the terrace." Selina grabbed his hand and led him outside. "It's a little nippy out here huh?"

"I won't take too long, I promise." Bruce rubbed the back of his head and shuffled his feet. "I don't know how else to say I'm sorry."

"Bruce, don't."

"I am sorry, Selina, and I hope that you can forgive me by the New Year."

"No, I'm sorry. I can't panic every time you don't answer the phone."

"So, can I call you tomorrow?"

"I'd be insulted if you didn't," she joked.

Bruce wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Selina walked Bruce to the door; she couldn't wipe the smile off her face.

"I'll call you tomorrow then," Bruce said.

"If you don't, I'll hunt you down," she assured him.

Harley bounced over to them and smiled. "You two having fun?"

"Yes, and I hate to leave so soon but, I got work to get done. Thanks for inviting me Harley. Talk to you tomorrow."

Selina closed the door behind him and gave Harley an "I can't believe you look".

"What?" she asked.

"You invited him?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you."


	21. Ever Ever After

Ever Ever After

**Author's Note**: Final chapter. It's been a labor of…well…it's been a labor. Ha! Anyway, I'm not going to leave you all hanging so get ready for book three! I find trilogies work best in groups of three.

Ivy rolled over and opened one eye to see what was making such a racket next to her head. She had tried to ignore it, tried to smother it with a pillow, but her phone wasn't going to stop ringing until she answered. Before she flipped her phone open, she peeked at her alarm clock to see the time, 11:00 am. Far too early for phone conversation, well, when you are on vacation it is.

"Hello," she mumbled with her face half buried into her pillow.

"Miss Isley? It's Oswald Cobblepot," came a bird-like voice from her receiver.

"I must be dreaming," she sighed rolling over.

"You sound like you were sleeping," he replied.

"That's because, I was."

"Sorry, but since you are on holiday, I can't very well send you an invitation so, I thought calling you would be best," Oswald explained.

"Invitation to what?" Ivy asked, slightly more awake now.

"My New Year's Eve Ball."

"New Year's Eve Ball?" she repeated.

"Yes, a ball to take place on New Year's Eve."

"I gathered that." Ivy sat up and ran a hand through her hair. She wondered if Joker happened to order food.

"Well, as I said, it is on New Year's Eve and its black tie, so that means gowns for the ladies."

"Fabulous," she said unenthused.

"I hope to see you there."

"Don't hold your breath," she mumbled under her breath.

"Sorry?" he asked.

"Nothing. I have to go, bye." She closed her phone and tossed it onto the bed next to her. A New Year's Eve ball? How ridiculous. She got up out of bed and walked over to her suitcase to find something to wear. "I should've unpacked," she sighed. She pulled out her bridesmaid dress. It was a shame no one ever really got to see her in it.

Ivy scrapped the idea of getting dressed and decided food was more important. She walked into the main room of the suite and found Joker lounging on the couch with the room service cart in front of him. "Oh, you read my mind," she laughed stealing a piece of bacon off his plate.

"There is a whole cart of food right there and you still have to take the bacon off my plate?" he whined.

Ivy stuck her tongue out at him and then nabbed the remote off his leg.

"What the hell?" he cried as she changed the channel.

"Oh shut up."

"First it's my food, then my TV."

"Ok, if you want to get technical, this is my suite, therefore it's my TV and my food," she told him.

Joker stuffed more bacon into his mouth and ignored her comment.

"Yeah you better be silent."

"I'm silent because I choose to be," he replied.

"I bet. So guess who called me."

"So help me God if you say that woman's name I'll kick your ass to Gotham and back," Joker warned.

"I was going to say Oswald."

"Oh. So, what did he want?"

Ivy cocked her eyebrow and shook her head. "You are all kinds of messed up," she told him. "Anyway, apparently our Ozzie is having some kind of New Year's Eve bash. Black tie affair and all that."

"Sounds like a bore."

"My thoughts exactly. Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready to go home yet."

"Do you ever plan on going home?" Joker asked.

"Yeah."

"When?"

Ivy thought about it. She hadn't really set a date to travel back to Gotham. She'd only gotten a one way ticket to Hawaii. Maybe, subconsciously, she never planned on returning to Gotham. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Oswald Cobblepot's New Year's Eve Ball," Selina Kyle read from the invitation. "So what do you think?"

"About what?" Bruce asked.

"The New Year's Eve Ball," she said.

"What do you mean what do I think?"

"Do you want to go with me or should I plan on being Harley's plus one?" Selina explained.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked.

"If you want to."

"Hmmm," he hummed.

"If you don't want to, then don't go. It's not a big deal," she said slightly frustrated by his lack of interest.

"I guess I can squeeze it in," he told her.

"Don't bother," she replied getting up and gathering her purse.

"Where are you going?" Bruce asked.

"I'm going home. I got things to do."

"I'll see you later."

Selina crossed her arms, scowled at him, and then stomped off.

"And then he's all, 'Do you want me to go?' and I said 'If you want to,' and then he hmmed me," Selina told Harley later that day as they walked through Robinson Park with their Starbucks.

Harley sipped her venti, soy, mocha (no whip to keep that little waist of hers slim) and smiled sadly.

"I mean if he doesn't want to go, why can't he just say it? Why does he have to make me feel bad?"

"He's a guy?" Harley offered.

Selina took a swig of her caramel apple spice and the second it hit her tongue, she realized it was a mistake. "Damn it!"

"Look, maybe he wants to go, but he thinks you don't want him to go, so he decided to let you make the decision, but it was all executed poorly," Harley explained.

"Wait…what?"

"I don't think I can explain that again."

"Fair enough. So what should I do?" Selina whined.

"Tell him you want him to go, but if he doesn't want to, it's not a huge deal."

"When did you become so adept in the ways of love?"

"Sometime between Gossip Girl and Privileged," she joked.

"Speaking of Gossip Girl," Selina sighed pulling her phone out. "We have a news update."

Harley pulled her own phone out and looked at her text messages. "Another tidbit about Alice and Jervis," she groaned. "Am I the only one completely tired of hearing about them?"

"Alice and Jervis's love is stronger than ever after the two spent the night in jail. Jervis was supposed to be transferred to Arkham this morning, but the love birds made a daring escape and are now gloating in their hideout. Is Alice the new Harley Quinn?" On the last sentence, Selina's voice wavered. She hid her smile behind her hand and choked her laugh back.

"Did that bitch just compare Alice to me?" Harley growled.

"Oh come on, no one could ever replace you," Selina comforted.

"Hello! Anyone in there?" Dick asked as he waved his hand in front of Holly's face.

Holly snapped her attention back to the man in front of her. "I'm sorry, I must've zoned out. What were we talking about?"

"The ball, and I said I would love to go with you," he laughed.

"Oh, right. Cool."

"Lately you've been somewhere else. Anything wrong?" Dick asked.

"No, I've just had a lot on my mind, what with my sister turning into a criminal and Mr. Cobblepot riding me because he doesn't want to mess with Scarlet."

"What is the deal with those two? Are they still avoiding one another?"

"Yeah, especially after that whole thing about her moving in with some guy. Turns out, he's her brother and she was just helping him get everything in order when he moved to town," Holly explained.

"I knew she wasn't shacking up with some random guy," Dick joked.

"Yeah, she's not like me," Holly replied.

"You're shacking up with some random guy?"

"You mean you haven't noticed him walking around my apartment?" Holly mocked.

"I guess not with all the excitement of us moving in together."

Holly pushed him off her and got up from the couch. "You're terrible." She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of lemonade. For Christmas, since she was short on gift ideas, Holly gave Dick the gift that keeps on giving. She asked him to move in with her. It was clear he wasn't going back to Bludhaven and he spent most of his time in her apartment already. Dick gladly accepted. Plus, it killed her guilt about her and Eddie, who, stopped talking to her altogether after he learned of her new living arrangement. Apparently, Dick was getting the same treatment from his friend Barbara who, Holly had only met once, but could clearly see there was a lot of history between them.

So far, everything was going good. The only real complaint Holly had about Dick was his late night work. He got a transfer to the Gotham Police Department from Bludhaven, and he had been spending many nights out doing his work. Or at least, that's what he told her. Holly had her doubts. She didn't suspect he was cheating on her or anything of that nature, but he was certainly up to something.

"You're gone again," Dick called to her.

Holly turned to face him. "Sorry, thinking again."

"So, you ran out of date ideas and decided to take Alice on a crime spree?" Eddie asked jokingly.

Jervis pouted and took a sip of his beer. "I didn't plan on going to jail. I didn't even plan on stealing anything. She just wanted that damned first edition so much," he sighed.

"You, her, and that stupid book," Eddie grumbled.

"It's a good book," Jervis told him.

"It's a children's story."

"So how's Holly?" Jervis asked.

"Point taken, let's change the subject."

"Fair enough."

"You going to Oswald's ball?" Eddie asked him.

"Yes, Alice is all excited. She's going to buy a new dress and all. Are you going?"

"I don't know. I would feel kind of weird being there alone."

"Get a date," Jervis said.

"Look, I got lucky with Harley. I'm done for the year and maybe even my life," he replied sadly.

"You'll get no sympathy from me."

"When did you grow a pair?" Eddie grumbled.

"Around the time you lost your's," Jervis answered.

"Nice."

"What are you doing?" Joker asked as he watched Ivy primp in the mirror.

"Getting ready for the ball," Ivy told him. "You should put your's on too. You can't get on the plane all white faced."

"I'm not going anywhere, let alone a ball," Joker told her firmly.

"Yes, you are. I bought your ticket. I have my dress in my carryon so I can change on the plane. We'll be a little late but it's not a big deal."

"I thought you weren't going," he hissed.

"I changed my mind. I need to go home sometime and the ball is a perfect opportunity," she explained. "Now, get ready. We leave for the airport in an hour."

Joker turned around and stomped into his room. He began to throw things into bags and he managed to find his black suit which he placed into his carryon like Ivy had told him. He didn't feel like full makeup so he half-assed his face and pulled on some gloves to cover his hands. He would go back to Gotham but he wasn't going to that ball.

"Hey, shouldn't you be getting ready?" Harvey asked when he noticed Harley sitting on the couch in her pajamas.

"I'm not going to the ball," she told him.

"Why not? Pammy is going to be there."

"I'll see Ivy when she gets home. I just don't feel like ringing in the New Year alone," she explained.

"Alright. Well, I told Eddie I'd help him out so I'll see you later I guess," Harvey said as he walked out the door.

She turned off the TV and walked to her room to put on some clothes. She decided some shopping would do her some good.

"We're going to be late," Bruce yelled through the bathroom door.

"Give me two more seconds," Selina called back.

"You said that 30 minutes ago!"

Selina poked her head out the door. "Keep bugging me and I'll take longer."

"What are you doing in there anyway?"

"My makeup," she answered, slightly annoyed.

"You don't need it. You're beautiful as you are," he groaned.

Selina applied her lipstick for the hundredth, and last, time. She tossed her makeup into her little black bag and stomped out of the bathroom.

"Finally! Wait, you're not even dressed?" Bruce asked.

"I had to do my makeup before I put my dress on."

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I'll just slap it on in the car," she told him scooping the dress up and heading for the door. "Tell Alfred we're ready."

Bruce chased Selina down the stairs and grabbed her arm. "Put your dress on!"

Alfred walked over to the staircase, intending to go upstairs and see how far along the couple was, when he found them at the bottom of the stairs. "Are you ready to leave sir?" he asked.

"Yes Alfred, we are," Selina answered taking a step toward him.

Alfred smiled and then he noticed Selina's attire, or lack there of. "Uh, Miss, did you forget something?"

"No Alfred, Selina is making a point by getting dressed in the car," Bruce explained.

"I see," he lied.

"So what car are we taking?" she asked.

Harley walked past the countless shops along the street. She thought shopping would get her mind off things, but in all actuality, she was thinking more about her year. She pulled her coat tighter and wiped the snowflakes off her eyelashes. It was a beautiful day. Harley loved winter.

She started to slow her pace. She was on the same street she got her wedding dress from. Or rather, Joker had gotten her wedding dress from.

Harley's eyes started to water. It was the first time she thought of him all day and it killed her. Since they had met, they spent every New Year's Eve together. This one felt so wrong.

She stopped in front of the bridal shop. The window was littered with sparkling white gowns and paper snowflakes. She couldn't resist, she had to go in.

"Hello," the older lady called from behind the counter. She smiled, and then she realized who had just walked into her shop. "Well hello indeed!"

"Hi," Harley replied.

"How was your wedding dear?" she asked.

"I didn't get married. The groom and I decided we weren't a good fit," Harley explained.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Better than five years down the road."

"So what brings you in today?"

"A walk down memory lane, I suppose," Harley laughed.

"Oh, I see."

Harley lightly touched a pink gown to her left when her phone started to buzz in her purse. She rolled her eyes and pulled it out.

"Oswald's New Year's Eve bash is under way! The Rogues are looking spiffy, and I'm feeling pretty darn good as well. The gangs all here, well, almost. Word is Selina and Bruce are on the way, delayed by a little tiff (shocker), little miss Ivy is on her way, fresh off the plane, and of course, Joker is still no where to be found. Oh! I almost forgot, Harley Quinn isn't here yet. Wonder what's keeping her." The message read.

Harley shoved her phone back into her purse. She didn't need an update on the ball.

"Are you all right dear?" the woman asked.

"I'm fine."

"Do you want to see something really special? I just got it in today," the old woman said walking into the back to retrieve a gown.

Harley leaned against the counter and waited.

"It is one of a kind. A good friend of mine made it specifically for my shop. I even have the shoes to match." She came back from the storage room and hung the dress on a hook next to the fitting room.

Harley slowly walked toward the gown, completely mesmerized. She stopped, not more than an inch, from the dress.

The dress was strapless, and a bright green color. The top of it was fitted like a corset and came down just far enough to cover her bum. It was like Tinker Bell's dress from Peter Pan. But under the Tink part was a sheer, even brighter green, slip that came down to the floor and was covered in sparkles.

She turned the dress around to see the back. The top was indeed corseted. "It's amazing!"

"It is, isn't it? Unfortunately I haven't seen it on anyone yet." The woman paused and smiled at Harley. "Would you like to try it on?"

Harley smiled and shook her head but then thought about it. "What could it hurt?"

"Great, the Tipster is talking about us," Selina groaned snapping her phone shut.

"Well, if you weren't messing around," Bruce started.

"Shut up!"

Bruce poked her in the side and smiled.

"Will you quit it?" she laughed.

"I love you," he said with a puppy dog pout.

"The great defender of Gotham," Selina sighed.

"You know you love me."

"Maybe."

The car stopped and Alfred opened Bruce's door. He got out and quickly went around to Selina's side to help her out.

"Thank you," she said.

"So, do you?"

"Do I what?" she asked.

"Love me?"

Selina stopped walking and faced him. She stroked his face. "Of course I do…not!"

Bruce grabbed her arm and pulled her in. "Liar!"

Selina kissed him, and that's when she heard it. A camera. Not a real camera but the kind on a cell phone. She whirled around to look for the culprit, but she was too late.

Ivy and Joker got off the plane and made a run for the luggage claim.

"Why are we running?" Joker asked.

"We have to get to the ball," Ivy answered.

"I told you, I'm not going."

"Now that we're back in Gotham, I can say this. Harley and Eddie never got married! She realized she loves you and she chased after you but you were gone!" Ivy rambled.

Joker's jaw dropped. "Quickly! Find our bags!"

"It looks lovely on you," the old woman gushed.

"Thank you," Harley replied.

"Oh, dear, I think your phone is ringing."

Harley grabbed her phone out of her purse, another text message. She flipped the phone open and saw a picture of Bruce and Selina kissing. She didn't even bother to read the message.

"It's a shame you don't have an event to go to. This dress needs you," the woman sighed.

"Yeah, it is," Harley replied.

Harley took the dress off and left the shop. She didn't need that dress. She didn't need to go to the ball. She started to walk down the street but she felt like she was being pulled back to the bridal shop.

"Taxi!" Ivy yelled while she waved her arms frantically.

A yellow cab pulled up to the curb and she and Joker slid in.

"Iceberg Lounge, and we're in a bit of a rush," Joker told the driver.

"Yes sir," the driver replied. "Hey, I know you."

Ivy glanced up and smiled. "Hello again."

"This your boyfriend?" he asked.

"Hell no!" Joker cried.

"He's more like my retarded half-brother."

The cab pulled away from the curb and Ivy and Joker started to pull out their clothes for the ball.

"It's a good thing we changed on the plane," Joker said sarcastically.

"How was I supposed to know both bathrooms would be in use the whole time?" Ivy hissed back.

Joker glared at her as he tried to wiggle out of his pants in a way that wouldn't put his wares on display.

"Doing a dance over there?" Ivy joked.

"Shut it!"

Ivy tried not to laugh as she slid her shirt over her head. She pulled her green bridesmaid dress over her head and then wriggled out of her jeans. "Can you zip me?"

Joker tossed his suit pants onto the floor and zipped and tied Ivy. "I can't find my white shirt."

"Here." She handed him a white shirt. "Can you hand me my shoes?"

Joker looked around. He found a pair of heels and handed them to her.

"These are the ones I just took off!"

"Jesus Christ!" he cried. He handed her another pair of shoes and then continued to change. "You're a pain in the ass you know?"

"I'm over it."

"We're here," the driver interjected.

Ivy pulled her new hair clip out of her purse and looked at Joker.

He eyed her suspiciously. "What?"

"Could you?"

He grumbled. "I'll just go in pants less."

"Sexy," she joked.

Joker clipped the lily into her hair and then quickly pulled his pants on before anyone else interrupted him. After another couple of seconds he was ready to go and the duo walked into the Iceberg.

"Harvey!" Ivy squealed running for Harvey.

Harvey scooped her up and hugged her so tight, she thought she might break.

"I missed you," she said.

"Likewise."

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too," Harvey replied. He looked up and dropped Ivy. "Holy crap!" he cried pointing at Joker.

"What?" Joker asked.

"You're alive!"

Joker rolled his eyes. "Where's Harley?"

"Oh, um, she's not coming," Harvey replied.

"What do you mean she's not coming?"

"Taxi!" Harley yelled at the top of her lungs.

The cab whizzed by as if she wasn't there.

Harley stomped her foot and whined. "Please. Taxi!"

The car cruised by again.

She pulled her green wrap around her shoulders tighter. Strapless was not the way to go in the middle of winter. She waved for another cab but it too went by. She was frantic. She had to get to the Iceberg. Harley thought she might have better luck on the other side of the street and that's when she saw the big black car and the familiar younger boy standing next to it.

Harley started to sprint. "Tim!" she called.

Tim Drake snapped his attention toward the blonde woman crossing the street calling his name. "Is that? It is. It's Harley," he said to Alfred through the window.

"Tim, I need a huge favor! I have to get to the Iceberg Lounge and I'm already late and I can't get a taxi," she explained.

"Can we?" Tim asked.

Harley looked to Alfred and put on her best, saddest puppy dog pout.

"Alright. Get in miss," Alfred said.

Harley squealed and slid into the car with Tim close behind.

Holly stood at the bar with Dick at her side. His hand rested on her waist as he talked to Bruce about what he and Holly had been up to.

Holly's attention, however, was across the room on Eddie. She watched as he sat at his usual table chatting away with Scarlet, who was supposed to be working.

Scarlet started to laugh uncontrollably and Holly's heart dropped.

"Isn't that right Holl?" Dick asked.

"Huh? Yeah," she answered, unsure of the conversation. She smoothed out her white gown. Her dress covered her feet and was very form fitting. She pulled nervously at one of the sleeves as her attention drifted back to Eddie.

Selina sauntered up to the bar and kissed Bruce on the cheek. "Hey handsome."

"Hello," he replied.

Selina had decided to wear her purple bridesmaid dress. She didn't feel like going shopping for a new dress. She flagged down the bartender and ordered a diet and vodka. "Having fun you two?" she asked.

"Here or living together?" Dick asked.

"Living together."

"It's great. I was just telling Bruce how great everything was going," Dick told her.

"That's nice," Selina replied.

"You two should try living together," Holly chimed in.

Bruce and Selina broke out into a fit of laughter that drew the attention of everyone at the bar.

"Funny," Selina managed to say through her giggles. "Excuse me." She walked over to Harvey's table where he sat with Alice and Jervis waiting for Ivy. "Holly just said the funniest thing," she said.

"Wondered what all the ruckus was," Jervis joked.

"She suggested Bruce and I should move in together."

Harvey was now clutching his stomach from his laughing fit. "Too good."

"Harvey!" Ivy squealed running for Harvey.

Harvey scooped her up and hugged her so tight, she thought she might break.

"I missed you," she said.

"Likewise."

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too," Harvey replied. He looked up and dropped Ivy. "Holy crap!" he cried pointing at Joker.

"What?" Joker asked.

"You're alive!"

Joker rolled his eyes. "Where's Harley?"

"Oh, um, she's not coming," Harvey replied.

"What do you mean she's not coming?"

"Yeah," Selina jumped in.

"She said she'd rather spend the night alone. She didn't know he'd be here," Harvey replied.

Joker turned around and started for the door.

"Where are you going?" Ivy called after him.

"To find Harley," he answered. Joker was not but ten feet from the table when she walked into the lounge.

Harley walked through the doors and started for Ivy's table. She didn't notice Joker until she was standing right in front of him. Her eyes went wide as if she had seen a ghost. "Joker," she whispered so soft she wasn't sure she had even said it.

Joker stood, frozen. He couldn't believe she was there. "Hi," he managed to say.

"Hhhi," she stuttered. She went to take a step forward when her small gold heart necklace fell from her neck.

Joker snatched it in mid air and handed it back to her.

Harley took the necklace back and started to laugh. "I can't believe this."

"What?"

"Nothing. Can we go somewhere quiet?" she asked.

Joker grabbed her hand and led her out back. "Not the nicest place in the world but, it will do."

"I can't believe you're here," she said.

"Likewise."

"I didn't get married-"

"I know."

"I tried to call but-"

"I know. I was out of town and I left my phone here," he explained.

"Did you enjoy your trip?" she asked.

"Let's not bother ourselves with the small talk," he said.

"Alright."

They stood out in the alley. Neither one sure of what to say. Harley shivered as the snow fell on her skin.

"Want my jacket?" he asked.

"Um, no," she replied.

"You look good," he muttered.

"Thank you."

"Sorry about your necklace."

"Oh, it's not a big deal. Actually I'm rather glad. It means I've found someone special," she explained.

"I see."

"I got it at a witchcraft store."

"Harley I-"

"No, please. I need to say something before I lose my nerve," she interrupted. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I don't care if you ever say you love me or if you ever love me at all. I love you and I want to go back to the way things were. If you could just forgive me, please." Harley's eyes welled up with tears but she choked them back.

"I…I can't do that," Joker told her.

Harley couldn't hold back the tears now. "Okay," she nodded. Harley started for the door. She needed to go home. This whole night was a mistake.

Joker grabbed her. "I can't forgive you because you didn't do anything wrong," he told her.

Harley stopped, turned to face him, and leaned up against the door.

"And we can't go back to the way things were because they were terrible," he went on taking a couple of steps closer to her to close the space between them.

She trembled as he put an arm on either side of her and brought his face close to her ear.

"I love you Harley Quinn," he whispered.

Harley threw her arms around him and cried. "Do you mean it?"

"I love Harley Quinn!" he yelled to the empty alley.

She laughed and kissed him, hard, on the lips. "You're crazy, you know that?"

"I've been told."


End file.
